When you are a student, your spending habits are bound to change. Suddenly, you’re spending at a rate that is almost astronomical, and then you wake up and all you’re left with is 70 cents and a deep regret for your future self.

Here are some other feels that you may encounter on this troubling financial journey when you’re not sure where your money actually goes.

Sleeping Becomes A Very Tempting And Cheap Hobby

Good news! Sleeping is free! It’s like being a coma, away from dismal bank balance, and you don’t have to pay interest! If you are stuck for something to do on a weekend, and your bank app is reading -0.15 cents, just go home, lay down, and forget about it for 10 hours.*

*Then remember it literally as soon as you wake up.

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Suddenly You’re On A Very Strange Diet

There is an element of justification to your habits when you have literally no self-control. You can spend $80 on a pair of sparkly gold boots, but then you have to eat crackers for lunch (literally just crackers, not even hummus).

You try to say that these things are FINE and that you are FINE and it’s actually good to just eat garlic bread for a week? It’s a cleanse? Heard of it? But really, you are just full of carbs and loathing. Unhealthy, in every possible way.

 

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Staying Home, Watching TV And Crying

When you’re someone who can’t manage their minimal finances, you suddenly become very interested in free-to-air TV. I know this because I consider watching quiz shows now both a form of study and a treat. That is because I spend my money on things like succulents and not on things like going to the movies, and I haven’t looked at my bank app for weeks.

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Denying That You Have A Problem To Your Nearest And Dearest

“Mum, seriously. It’s fine. Yes, my card was declined for a $1.50 coffee today. Yes, I pretended that the chip on my card was just broken. YES, I KNOW THAT I HAVEN’T EATEN A VEGETABLE IN THREE WEEKS. There is nothing wrong with that! I’m still young and fun! I have time to SAVE!”

 

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Being That Friend Who Always Suggests Doing Something Free

While your friends are busy drinking cocktails the price of your rent, you’re the guy suggesting a “picnic” and hoping that everyone else brings some food (and a blanket, and a speaker… OK, just everything, you have nothing).

You’re the one who is all like “why don’t we all just go for a run together?” while your mates busily begin to plan an intervention.

 

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Eating The Most Ridiculous Feast On Payday

We have established that you’re someone who is convinced that your money is just vanishing into thin air, so when you finally get some, you’re pretty stoked.

You start splashing out on ridiculous stuff: truffle oil? Throw it in. Another kilo of free trade coffee beans? Add to cart. Organic avocados for $8 a pop? Why not?!

And then, somehow, your money is gone, and you’re back to square one.

 

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Splashing Out = Maybe Getting Whipped Cream On Your Iced Coffee

You know it’s a worrying time for you when you re-evaluate ‘treats’. How bizarre was it when you were younger and bought new clothes for yourself? Nowadays, you weep when you buy socks. You reward yourself with an extra piece of toast. I have even started considering listening to music as a gift because I DON’T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT (when I am using someone else’s account, obviously).

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Constantly Worrying That You Have Been Hacked

Have you ever actually, GENUINELY been convinced that someone’s been messing around with your account? Surely it wasn’t you who ordered four doughnuts to be delivered at 12.30am because you were rewarding yourself for going to work on a Monday?

But it was. It was allllllllll you. It’s all there, in your history. You can’t run.

 

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Shame-Eating A Sandwich That You Brought From Home

“Here’s something that I prepared earlier,” you say sadly, as you unwrap a warped, cling-wrapped atrocity that you slapped together at 7.35am that morning. Everyone around you smirks while eating wholesome, immaculate kale salads. You are alone and in hell. You need urgent financial intervention, immediately.

 

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Stressing About Where Your Money Goes Before You Even Have It

So, if you put aside money for rent, and then some bills, and then about half of the rest for food, and then another smaller segment of that food chunk for more ridiculous food, and then also some for Uber, and then maybe… Oh, I have $2.60 left? Guess that is going to savings.

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(Lead image: The Simpsons/20th Century Fox)

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