Why breakups still hurt when it’s your decision to split
You’ve probably heard the expression “Life is like a rollercoaster”. But I think this expression is much more relevant for breakups. Breakups truly have the ability to turn your whole world upside down and make your stomach drop. One minute you’re up, sun on your face, and then all of a sudden, you fall.
As a recent instigator of a breakup, I know just how heart breaking it can be. Despite being the one to instigate it, tears a la The Notebook have since flowed and I’ve felt as lonely as a five-year-old who’s just lost their mum in a grocery store.
It’s an unfortunate truth that nothing in life is as simple as black and white, and break-ups are more 50 shades of grey. They’re filled with doubts, uncertainties, love and sadness, all muddled together to make some kind of poisonous cocktail.
But with great love can come great sadness, and if you want to enter into a relationship with someone, there will always be the slight possibility that you may not get your happily ever after. Breakups are a common part of life.
Even when it’s your decision to break up, here’s why it hurts so much.
It's a huge loss
When you fall in love with someone, you go on adventures and make memories. So when it ends there’s a great sense of loss.
“It’s important to recognise it’s a huge adjustment and of course, a significant loss, so therefore it’s normal to feel regretful and in pain,” says Stephanie Mason, a Sydney social worker.
Like any other kind of loss, Mason says it’s vital to give yourself the time to grieve. Instead of pushing the emotions away, you should acknowledge and sit with them.
There is no such thing as the ‘right’ decision
If a relationship involves abuse of any nature or cheating, this is a very valid reason to end a relationship. But what if there wasn’t any abuse and it just isn’t right? When it comes to our feelings, they can change as often as the tide.
I struggled and doubted the decision myself, questioning if it would be the ‘right’ decision. But at the end of the day, are we ever really going to know? Not likely, according to Mason.
“If my work’s taught me anything, it’s that there’s no such thing as a right or wrong decision as you can never know the repercussions of the alternative. It’s all just movement and growth. Just focus on what makes your heart sing.”
So maybe you won’t ever find solace knowing you made the ‘right’ choice. But you need to pay attention to your head and heart and listen to which one sings loudest. And most importantly, have faith in your decision.
It hurts to hurt someone you care about
Breaking up with someone will never be easy, and while society and rom-coms may coin the dumper to be the ‘bad’ guy, I wholeheartedly object, as I truly felt the weight of my decision.
“There will never be a good time,” says Mason. Which is also important to remember. But what you can control is how you behave, to maintain respect and dignity for everyone who’s involved.
Change can be confronting
As humans we fear death and the dark because of our fear of the unknown. After a breakup, change is guaranteed, as your evening plans, holiday ideas and even daily conversations are altered. It grabs your doona cover from right under you, and chucks you into oblivion.
During this time of darkness, my light has been my friends and family. Surround yourself with people who make you feel excited about life and remember how lucky we are.
“Change is the only constant…” says Mason. “Just hold on and give it time.”
It’s you and you only, baby
An inevitable thing about relationships is that by growing together, you begin to depend on each other. Standing on your own two feet again with no one to hold onto will definitely be daunting, but once you let go of your fear of falling, it can be exhilarating.
So if you are on the rollercoaster right now, I wish you luck, as we enter into the unknown.
But that’s the thing about rollercoasters – you never know where you will end up. And somehow that exciting thought trumps the sadness.
Who knows what is around the corner. Just hold on tight, and breathe.
Avril Treasure
Avril studies Journalism at Notre Dame in Sydney. In her spare time she enjoys playing cards with her grandfather, drinking one too many margaritas and pondering hypothetical questions.