Film

Watch The Racist, Deliriously Stupid Trailer For ‘Gods Of Egypt’ And Try Not To Claw Your Eyes Out

The only person who thinks ancient Egyptians were white is Rupert Murdoch. Life tip: do not take your cues from Rupert Murdoch.

by Alex McKinnon  18 November 2015

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Hollywood has form in turning the myths and legends of the ancient world into towering pyres of garbage — 300 and the sequel 300: Rise of an Empire; Clash of the Titans and its follow-up Wrath of the Titans; Exodus: Gods and Kings; Troy. Between the gratuitous T&A, the aggressive, leather-wrapped, Lynx Africa-scented hyper-masculinity, the abysmal Michael Bay-eque special effects and the liberal use of everyone’s favourite trope, White Dudes Playing Brown Characters For Literally No Reason, the sword-and-sandal genre has been a dumping ground for B-grade actors and terrible screenwriting for a good long while.

But even for this maligned corner of the cinematic universe, upcoming Lionsgate production Gods of Egypt looks to be something truly exceptional. Sometimes a movie comes along that’s so profoundly dreadful, so mind-bendingly idiotic, it transcends its own shittiness and becomes a work of art. Think Tommy Wiseau’s car-crash masterpiece The Room, or anything directed by Uwe Boll.

There was a hint something of that calibre was coming when the first promo posters for Gods of Egypt were released a few days ago, featuring Jaime Lannister as dressed by Liberace, Gerard Butler’s Biceps of Fury, and Token Sexy Lady doing Sexy Lady Pose.

come on

What … what HAPPENED here.

Egyptian gods reimagined as frat boys at a racist dress-up party are indicative enough of what kind of movie this is going to be, but it’s the little details in those posters that promise true glory. Take the giant fire-breathing cobra being ridden like a pony on Hathor’s bottom left, or the terrible CGI winged men hovering awkwardly in the background. Something wonderful was on its way, and the world waited with bated breath for a look at the movie that spawned all this lurid nonsense.

Now, the day has arrived. The trailer has dropped, and it is everything that was foretold. If you think you know how stupid this is going to be, revise your expectations upward. Look on Gods of Egypt, ye mighty, and despair.

There is so much to unpack from those 195 seconds. Beyond the obvious ones, like “Why?” and “What crimes did Alex Proyas commit in a past life to go from directing The Crow to this piece of hideous wonder?”, I have so many questions. Here are some points to ponder:

Why is the hero a tiny British boy? Who let this child onto a movie set? Where are his parents? I would ask why every main character has a British accent, but if you’re wondering that you haven’t seen a single crappy sword-and-sandals movie, for which I pity you deeply.

Even HE’S surprised.

Why do things in this movie shatter into bright pixellated squares when they break? Shouldn’t godly shields and weapons be made of some stronger material than sugar glass? Do they make a delightful tinkling sound as they hit the floor, ready to be swept up by the cleaner?

How badly is Game of Thrones underpaying Nicolaj Coster-Waldau that he has to make ends meet as an Egyptian pirate-themed go-go dancer? Like it wasn’t bad enough seeing Jaime Lannister as the douchebag-womaniser antagonist in that godawful First Wives Club ripoff a couple years back. Should we start a GoFundMe to buy him some pants?

And last but not least: why are the only brown people in this movie about ancient Egypt part of a helpless, faceless mass crying out for a white saviour? Even their clothes go beyond the generic-brown-people-in-rags trope Game of Thrones got so panned for; they’re literally all in brown. Who consciously chooses to make their movies and entertainment like this without anticipating the entirely predictable and justified backlash?

That last point has already been noted by plenty of people, because of course it has. This is 2015; you can’t just dress a Scottish guy and a Danish guy up as Egyptians and expect to get away with that shit.

You know the only person who thinks ancient Egyptians were white? Rupert fucking Murdoch, that’s who, and if Rupert Murdoch is writing your diversity strategy you are cooked, fella. The only way I’m seeing this movie is for free, with friends who appreciate terrible movies as much as I do, and very, very drunk.