Two And A Half Men Is Finally Ending; We Can All Breathe Easy Again

I have dreamt of this day. Ever since Charlie Sheen first donned this shitty, ill-fitting shirt he presumably stole from a community bowling league and forced his smarmy #winning #sexpest face back from the brink of obscurity onto my television screen in 2003 I’ve patiently waited for the world to come to its senses. It may have taken 11 years and 12 seasons, but it’s finally happened. The laugh track spitting, eyebrow-raising, Sheen-enabling, ratings-crushing, groan-inducing, giant turd of a show Two and a Half Men has finally been cancelled.

SWEET RELIEF. WE ARE FREE, PEOPLE. FREE!

This life-changing moment of ecstatic bliss will fully be felt on Thursday, February 19. When the series finale airs at 9pm, the show will have shat out 262 episodes over its near-12-year run and it will have significantly marred a large chunk of the best years of my life. Just knowing that it exists has made each of my experiences that little bit less enjoyable.

Despite being objectively The Worst Thing To Ever Air On Television — don’t even bother arguing; anything you say at this point will only work to further fuel my hatred of the show and all its viewers — it’s enjoyed solid ratings for the entirely of its run. Even now, with the guillotine mere moments from slicing off its big obnoxious head, it’s still pulling in over 10 million viewers per episode in the US alone.

Instead, the decision to ruthlessly axe the show into a billion bloody pieces is instead reportedly a result of the rising costs of the show’s stars. After already losing Sheen in 2011 and then more recently the youngest member of the cast Angus T. Jones, things aren’t looking great for this luke-warm televisual Frankenstein. Jones, who was at one point the highest paid child actor in the world, even pleaded with the public to boycott the show. “Please stop watching it,” he said. “Please stop filling your head with filth.”

Though viewers didn’t really listen at the time — instead choosing to sit down and funnel the comedy equivalent of regurgitated truck stop mush directly into their ears and eyeballs — with the cancellation of the show they are now thankfully forced to comply.

February 19 will be one for the history books, people. From here, we must rebuild.