Tony Abbott Tries to Appease World Leaders With Koalas; Apparently They Still Care About Climate Change
"OBAMZ, PLEASE SAY WE'RE FRIENDS AGAIN."
It’s been a rough 24 hours for Tony Abbott. He was all set to host this big party for his mates. Everyone sent in their RSVPs and some people were coming from really far away. It was exciting. He asked everyone to be on their best behaviour. He had all his outfits planned out for the weekend. Sure, there was a bit of bad blood between him and Vlad, but he knew it would settle down once they shared a few bevvies and hashed out the feels. Maybe Vlad could come sightseeing with him and Dave. It’d be tops.
But it hasn’t quite gone to plan. First, Obamz and ol’ Xi-Xi pulled a fast one and made a historic agreement on climate change that totally left him out of the loop. It was like they went and changed the iPod before the party even started — Tone had heaps of stellar Barnesy lined up that no one even got to listen to!
Then, once the party did get going, all these blimmin’ gatecrashers rocked up and started chanting things. There was even a guy who was trying to get all the credit for hosting — he wore the same outfit and everything. But that was nothing compared to the ultimate betrayal. His best friend went and started a party of his own. Before even popping in to say hello, President Obama shot off down the street and started getting all these other people excited about things Tone didn’t even care about!
Tone had this awesome set lined up about Medicare, and now everyone wants to talk about climate change and social equality and shit. Life’s tough.
But, this morning he remembered he had one more thing left in his arsenal. Something so universally loved, it was sure to get everyone back on board.
“THEY’RE KISSING. Does that mean we’re friends again?”
“Nah, Vlad. This is all I meant by shirtfront.”
“Yeah Prime Minister Narendra Modi, Obamz loved it. It totally worked.”
“Yup, I’ll just pop this here, President Rousseff. Just smile like you’re not totally dead inside.”
“Me and Matteo are top mates.”
“YES. KOREA LOVED IT.”
“I told you. Everybody likes me.”
Unfortunately for Tone, it seems not everyone was invited, and British PM David Cameron jumped on board Obamz’ party as revenge. “Countries that have so far done the least [about climate change] have to think about what more they can do,” he told Britain’s Sky News this morning. “I hope [Australia will] do everything they can in the coming months to look at what more they can deliver.”
The koala was not asked for comment, but the internal screams seen in its eyes suggest it knew this was a bad idea all along.
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Photos: Andrew Taylor/G20 Australia.