The Joy Of Polyamory

The following piece is an excerpt from an article published in Archer Magazine, who launch their brand new website today. 

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In my first year at university, I developed a major crush on a man. He didn’t appear to return it.

Seven years later, he was married with children, and I was good friends with him and his wife. He and I had dinner one night and ended up kissing. We weren’t prepared for the torrent of passion that was unleashed by that kiss.

Monogamous wisdom taught me that in order to avoid breaking up his marriage, we should stop seeing each other, and so we did. Over the next five years, I did everything in my power to change the way I felt about him, including marrying someone else. I was determined to control my emotions.

If willpower alone could have done it, I would have succeeded. But I just couldn’t suppress those feelings. Although we never had sex, we did have an emotional affair – the connection between us felt deeper and more authentic than either of our marriages.

My integrity has always been important to me, so I was truly shocked to find that, in spirit at least, I couldn’t keep my marriage vows.

Five years later, after our respective marriages had ended and we finally got together, my attitude to relationships changed. I didn’t want to make any promises I wasn’t sure I could keep. I wanted to allow for sexual and emotional freedom. I wanted to be open to change over time. I didn’t ever want to limit joy for myself or my partner, no matter where that joy was to be found. And so we became polyamorous.

In the beginning, we didn’t have a term for what we were doing – all I knew was that I didn’t want to be monogamous. I wasn’t interested in the forms of non-monogamy I already knew of. I didn’t want to swing: I wasn’t into sex for its own sake. I had no interest in clandestine affairs: I wanted to be honest and open about my intimate liaisons. Neither was I interested in polygamy: I understood it to have religious overtones, and to take the form of a man married to several wives, who were not allowed multiple spouses of their own.

So, we made it up as we went along. It was hard work at first. Along with the glorious freedom from traditional monogamy, there was a commensurate effort to sort out what form we wanted our relationships to take. Our perceived notions of ‘how relationships work’ were inadequate for multiple relationships. We grappled with questions such as “What do you need to know before I start something with someone else?” and “What if a new relationship becomes more important to me than my other ones?”

Where were the other people like us? We kept falling in love with people who were fundamentally monogamous, or who only hooked up with us while they were between ‘serious’ relationships, and then dumped us. A lot of people tried out non-monogamy with us and found it wasn’t for them. All of these situations caused us heartache.

When we finally heard the term ‘polyamory’, we knew we’d found our thing. Fundamentally, polyamory is a claim that the heart is capable of loving more than one person deeply and intimately at the same time. In polyamory, everyone is free to choose multiple lovers, partners and intimates if they wish. Poly relationships are often sexual but may not be, and they may shift in and out of being romantic and sexual.

For me, one of the strongest reasons for being polyamorous is freedom; in particular, the freedom to ask myself deeply and honestly, “What do I want?”

For me, one of the strongest reasons for being polyamorous is freedom; in particular, the freedom to ask myself deeply and honestly, “What do I want?”. For example, I have discovered that I love kissing. I love the sensation and the intimacy. I love the freedom to kiss heaps of luscious people, where everyone is clear that a kiss is just a kiss. Also, I choose to live alone despite having several deep, committed relationships, because I need my own space. These are two needs that wouldn’t have been considered normal or acceptable in my old monogamous circles.

As I peeled off the expectations of the mainstream, I came to realise that there are several kinds of connections we can experience. Friendship is one of the most common: it may be activity- or sport-based; it may be low-key, but still important; it may involve emotional intimacy, in which we share our feelings and experiences deeply and honestly. Then there’s romance: flirting, candlelit dinners, falling in love. These may or may not include sexual intimacy – you can have romance without sex, and sex without romance. Then there’s BDSM play, which is different again.

There are plenty more forms of connection. Two common forms I personally don’t want are co-habiting and co-parenting (I never wanted kids, although I am an enthusiastic aunt). Neither do I have deep financial links with any of my beloveds.

Such connections can be experienced with different levels of involvement. In the monogamous ideal, you are expected to have almost all your needs satisfied by a single relationship, and to maintain them in that way for life. I found that to be an impossibly tall order. If you are poly, you don’t have to have all of your desires met by one person. Nor are you required to meet all of your partner’s desires. I developed chronic fatigue syndrome some years ago and my libido went out the window. It was a relief that my partners had other sexual partners at that time.

With polyamory, you can negotiate the forms and levels of connection you want to explore in each relationship. For example, I know people who have kids together, are happily co-habiting, are financially blended and have a good friendship, but who look to have their sexual, emotional and romantic needs met outside of that relationship.

One happy household I know comprises a married couple, the husband’s same-sex partner, and the wife’s other de facto husband who is monogamous to her. All but one have other lovers and partners outside of that household.

Currently, I live alone. I have one life-partner who lives with another partner in another town, but who stays with me about a third of the time; a same-sex intimate who lives nearby; a ‘platonic boyfriend’ (his term) with whom I can hang out and share practical and emotional support; two interstate intimates; and some friends-with-occasional-benefits. I am on snogging terms with a large number of people. I also have heaps of lovely, long-term intimates within cycling distance.

Many of my relationships don’t have a simple label available to them. For example, I have some beloved intimates with whom I will jump into bed, naked, and talk about absolutely anything. The relationship is way past what most people think of as a friend – there’s no sex, so it’s not a lover; we don’t make life decisions together, so it’s not a partner. There is no term that accurately describes our connection.

Clearly, the possible permutations are complex. The media mostly portrays polyamory as a heterosexual couple with secondary relationships outside the primary one. Perhaps this is closer to the monogamous ideal, and therefore easier for people to understand. In my experience, it is also the most common shape adopted by couples when they first step out of monogamy.

In reality, within the constraints of consent, honesty and intimacy, polyamory seems to be infinitely plastic in form. Over the years, I’ve seen people in polyfidelitous groups, which look like an extension of monogamy: three or more people commit to only engaging sexually, romantically and intimately with each other. I have dear friends who love lots of sex with lots of different people and proudly reclaim the term ‘slut’. They are always clear about what they are offering, they are honest about their other connections, and they express a level of emotional intimacy and care, even in one-night stands. Some people will remember a one-night stand that touched them deeply for the rest of their life.

It’s also worth noting that you can identify as asexual and still have polyamorous romantic and/or intimate relationships. Polyamory can be shaped into whatever works for an individual and their loves.

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To read the rest, head to ArcherMagazine.com.au; pre-order issue three here.

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Feature image by Sarah Mifsud.