The Government’s Taking Nominations For Places To Host A Radioactive Waste Dump, In Case You’re Interested

It could be YOU!

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In joyous news for mad scientists and post-Apocalyptic genre fiction enthusiasts everywhere, the government is looking for a prime piece of land on which to build a nuclear waste dump, and has put out a call asking anyone who knows a plum spot to get in touch for their chance to win a lifetime’s supply of three-eyed fish and subtly devastating medical problems.

The ad, which appeared in The Age over the weekend on behalf of Industry and Science Minister Ian Macfarlane, calls for people to get in touch to nominate potential sites on which the government could host a “national radioactive waste management facility”. Land in all states and territories is eligible, giving every average Australian landowner the chance of a lifetime to become a tiny Mr Burns, or failing that, Waylon Smithers to the government’s Mr Burns. Potential applicants are directed to more information on the government’s special website, which is called, I kid you not, “” That seems like the aspect you’d want to play up the least, but hey, maybe the nuclear waste-enthusiast target demographic loves that kind of up-front straight talk.

On one hand, it seems pretty unlikely that anyone’s going to stick their hand up to play host to their own private Fukushima. On the other, it’s nice that the government is actually asking people for once, instead of just trying to dump it on Aboriginal land like they usually do. Unfortunately, precisely which land can make the cut is subject to eligibility criteria, making this yet another example of wasteful green tape getting in the way of a hardworking farmer’s dream to grow and harvest nuclear — dah, I mean, “nucular” waste. Nucular.

If your farm or backyard doesn’t meet those requirements, don’t worry — coal-seam gas companies have the right to explore and drill on your land whether you give them permission or not, so you can still look forward to the prospect of your local river turning into a funky gas-filled bubble bath. Yee-haw!