‘The Bachelor’ 2019 Contestants, Ranked By How Much They Scare Us
If you go on reality television, you are automatically very scary!
The Bachelor Australia is back, baby! Another season of televisual approximation of love, another spree of tepid screen relationships and elaborate brand endorsed dates, another couple of months that really drive home how good it is to be single.
We have a new Bachelor, an astrophysicist named Matt. Matt! Matty-A. He seems tiny and nice. He makes a living by looking at the stars for science.
But, most importantly, we’ve got another swarm of love crazed contestants just dying to win the huge novelty-sized cheque that is this season’s Bachelor’s heart. Whomst amongst this yard of blonde girls will abseil impressively enough on television to win Matty’s affections? Who will fight tooth and nail for this tiny star boy? Who will camp out in a mansion amongst 28 of the world’s worst people, just for a shot at television love?
Can’t hardly wait.
But here’s the thing — while I do genuinely believe many of the contestants are the right mixture between hopeful and stupid to ACTUALLY look for love on The Bachelor, I truly believe that many of these contestants are there for ulterior motives. Perhaps they simply want to rocket to mild Instagram fame, or grow their burgeoning vaginal egg business, or even just get invited to Maxim Magazine’s 9th birthday — or maybe it’s far more evil.
So, using the ACTUAL official The Bachelor media pack, let’s read the contestants bios and quotes, and find out just how sinister these ladies all are:
Abbie, 23 — Mildly Wholesome
Abbie’s dealbreaker in a relationship is littering. As she writes:
“I cannot stand intentional littering. I would probably give someone a one time pass, but if it happened twice I couldn’t deal! It’s one of those red flags that shows me who you are if you have such disregard for the environment,” she says.
Abbie was clearly raised correctly on Captain Planet, and this is very good.
Brianna, 24 — Mildly Sinister
Brianna says she likes to be “drama-free”, which is a red flag because the only people who say that are people who have drama flooding their enormous messy veins.
But the biggest issue here is that she lists her secret talent as being able to “talk with water in my mouth”, which clearly shows that she’s been telling lies to mermaids.
Cassandra, 33 — Mildly Sinister
Cassandra says that her dream date is ” being pampered with massages, followed by snorkelling and good food” and it’s just a bit upsetting to imagine someone trying to eat underwater, unless she’s actually stuffing parrotfish and other rare aquatic animals into her mouth while she’s snorkelling.
Chelsie, 28 — VERY Sinister
Chelsie is a chemical engineer — and you know what chemicals basically are? Potions. And you know what people use magic potions for? Love potions. If we see Chelsie with any smoking cauldrons or ominously frothing goblets, we should be very suspicious!
Danush, 34 — Aggressively Neutral
There seems to be nothing to worry about. She’s an accountant. She’s looking for love. She enjoys “the beach”. So aggressively normal, it COULD be suspicious.
Elly, 24 — Pretty Dang Wholesome
Elly seems to only care about one thing: that the Bachelor’s hypothetical dog will get on with her dog.
Emma, 32 — Mildly Suspicious
Emma has two dogs, called Teddy and Bear. I don’t know why, but it makes me feel like they don’t exist?????
Georgie, 32 — Deeply Sinister
Georgie identifies as a “self-confessed whinging pommie” and here’s the thing — self-awareness doesn’t fix the crime!!!! Also, she says she “loves history”, and I’m sorry — 100% of humanity’s greatest tragedies have happened in the past! Probbo.
Hannah, 25 — Incredibly Sinister
Hannah seems great — she says her main plan to win the Bachelor’s heart is with her “massive knockers”, before clarifying that she’s “KIDDING!”. That’s great. However, in the same sentence, she says that she will also attempt to use her “womanly charm” which involves “battering my eyelids”. I hope that’s just a spelling mistake because a beautifully dressed woman with battered eyelids flouncing across the lawn at you is severe cursed language.
Helena, 25 — Sinister?????
At this point, I am scouring Helena’s dating profile for clues and hints of evil motives — she likes quad bikes? She has a ten-year plan? And I realise that this is basically modern dating, that we are all cursed in our search for love. Is she sinister? Or is the entire concept of DATING IN 2019 SINISTER????
Isabelle, 29 — No, Actually This Is Very Worrying
With my new spirit of forgiveness and understanding, I wanted to give Isabelle the benefit of the doubt. Look at her, she’s dressed like a long Logie and I love that for her — but listen to this???? She says: “Her ideal partner will be book and street smart with a great sense of humour and have the ability to grow facial hair”.
Book AND street smart? The ability to grow facial hair? This sounds less like husband material, and more the requirements for someone to join your Ocean’s 11 style heist? Genuinely concerned here.
Jessica, 30 — Not Sinister
Maybe the whole point of this show is just to trust people! I trust Jessica. She’s wearing a spangly green dress.
Jessie, 30 — Probably a Horse-Riding Time-Traveller
Jessie says that she “doesn’t want to live a mediocre life and is looking for a guy who is on her timeline and ready to take the reins” — ok, so I get this! She’s a time-traveller, carousing through all of human history, past and future, but she’s come back to the present to find “someone on her timeline”. Also, is the horse how she travels through time? A lot of questions, but none that are particularly sinister.
Julia, 28 — Not A Robot
Julia describes herself as: “emotional, driven, creative, loyal and real” — which is EXACTLY how a robot would try to pass themselves off as human. Nice try, Julia!!!
Keely, 27 — A Plant?
“I am very low maintenance, you just need to make sure that I am fed and watered every couple of hours and I will be happy as can be.”
If you’ve ever seen the iconic film Batman & Robin, you would know that plant ladies are no laughing matter! Watch out, her lips are poisonous.
Kristen, 24 — Pretty Suspicious
Kristen lists her job as “China Researcher” and I hate to break it to you — we’re pretty sure China exists by now.
Mary, 31 — Must Go Fast
“The Brazilian mum has a firm rule on dates, that they need to kiss her within the first 30 minutes or it goes no further.”
This isn’t so much suspicious as deeply terrifying. I’m not sure I would have made EYE CONTACT within 30 minutes, let alone smooching.
Monique, 26 — Dangerously Cursed Energy
Every single sentence in Monique’s bio is a flashing siren, a huge warning honk.
“I’m confident, I see myself as a bit of a tomboy, so I have lots of male friends and that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.”
I’m not like other girls!
“I’ve been around guys my whole life, so hopefully everyone can get along. There will be people who don’t get along but I’m sure it will be fine.”
Nichole, 25 — Unfortunately Sinister
Nichole says that she is “outgoing and with no filter” which must be hell for her, with every thought that crosses her mind blurted out to the world, unable to keep secrets.
Nikki, 24 — Vastly Cursed
Clearly cursed.
Rachael, 23 — Distressingly Sinister
“The personal trainer is passionate about fitness and enjoys helping shape people’s bodies.”
This is a FRANKENSTEIN thing to say.
Renee, 25 — Probably Fine
She’s probably fine, but she does love spearfishing, which famously uses a spear… to fish.
Sam, 29 — I Don’t KNOW
There’s just so many contestants. I thought I’d be able to write this article in one morning. It’s been three weeks. I’m so scared for the little Bachelor boy.
Sogand, 30 — Way Too Good For This Show
Sophie, 25 — Thinks Jennifer Lawrence Is “Relatable”
We ALL KNOW THAT JENNIFER LAWRENCE TRIPPED ON PURPOSE, god.
Tara, 25 — We Are All Doomed
Remember who we were before this article started? I’m so tired. I have aged 35 years, the flush of my youth gone. Bury me in a shallow grave.
Tash, 34 — She Has Killed, And Will Kill Again
When asked what her secret talent is, she answers: “If I told you, I’d have to kill you!”
Clearly, her talent is murder!
Vakoo, 23 — Overwhelmingly Wholesome
When asked to describe her dream date, she gives literally the best answer: “The guy will take me to a ball pit that’s full of puppies and we would spend time with the puppies while getting to know each other and then he feeds me after that.”
Perfect.
The Bachelor is on Channel 10, Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping them all. And may god have mercy on our souls.
Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.