OK, I’m calling it. Going out is the absolute worst.

I don’t mean a few cheeky bevvies at the pub that progresses into accidental drunkness. That’s fine. I mean dolling yourself up, paying $25 entry to a hot sauna of human contact and shelling out a weeks wage for the privilege of getting home safe. It’s hell, and I have no idea why we do it to ourselves in the name of “fun”.

Here’s ten very good reasons why I’d opt for a night at home over a night at the clubs any day.

#1 You Can Look Like Trash

We’re not talking, “Oh I forgot to put on make up today and I feel gross” kind of trash. We mean a messy bun with a halo of frizz, a thin film of grease over our faces and a retainer in by 7.30pm. Pair this with a shirt from our Year 5 school musical and a faded pair tracksuit pants that have lost their elasticity. Congrats, homebody. You look like pure filth.

#2 You Can Eat Whatever You Want

Yes, we mean UberEats and MenuLog, but we also mean any sort of disgusting concoction of cheeses and carbs you can haul from the back of your fridge. That icy vanilla ice cream stuck to the side of your freezer, cooking chocolate, frozen chicken nuggets; all the disgusting food stuffs you wouldn’t dare eating in front of company are now fair game.

#3 You Can Catch Up On Terrible TV

Not the latest, critically-acclaimed drama to hit HBO but really dumb stuff like Dance Moms and Catfish – mindless nonsense that you wouldn’t otherwise waste your time on. Better than art!

#4 You Don’t Have To Talk To People

If you have a night in, even if it’s with a bunch of mates, you don’t have to engage in boring conversation all night. All you have to do crack open a pack of chippies and chill the EFF out. Socialise when you’re dead!! (Jk.) (Kind of.)

#5 You Call All The Shots

Is an episode of Stranger Things bumming you out? Flick on over to Ru Paul’s Drag Race, baby! It’s much easier to change the channel, change couches or change hoodies when you’re kicking it at home.

#6 It’s Cheaper Than Therapy

Sweet, sweet alone time is good for the soul. It’ll help you reboot, think deeply, unwind and get some much-needed perspective on your life. And it doesn’t cost anything! The sole purpose of clubbing is to drain your wallet of money. Yeuch, no thank you.

#7 It’s QUIET

God, clubs are oppressively loud. At home, all the noise you’re subjected to the distant dialogue of a TV show and the beep of the microwave after it’s finished heating up mac and cheese. The only sounds worth hearing.

#8 You Can Still Date

Forget that argument about needing to leave the house so you can meet new people. Have you heard of Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, Grindr, etc, etc? They literally exist because people can’t be assed to leave their living room.

#9 Face Masks!!!

Staying home and doing a face mask means you’ll actually wake up prettier, unlike waking up after a big night with considerably darker under-eye bags and soul-crushing regret. That shit’ll age you.

#10 Pets Can’t Club

And I’m gonna leave it at that.

(Lead image: Inside Amy Schumer/Comedy Central)