An Oral History Of The Cursed ‘Simpsons’ Themed Rock Eisteddfod
Behind the scenes of the 1997 Rock Eisteddfod performance 'The Seven Deadly ̶S̶i̶n̶s̶ doh! Simpsons', is a thrilling tale of teenage lust, homophobia, and broken dreams.
A few days ago I was minding my own business scrolling through Instagram when I was stopped in my tracks, unexpectedly confronted with a cursed post about Rock Eisteddfod.
If you don’t know what Rock Eisteddfod is, it was an annual competition held in Australia from 1980-2012, where schools across the nation would compete against each other with big dance performances.
The performances would be complete with moving sets and a backstage crew, and the overall performance would always have some sort of theme, or message. Schools would compete regionally, and then go to the nationals, which would be shown on TV. It was basically Australia’s version of Glee, except much weirder.
Pandemics suck balls, but do you know what doesn't? A spontaneous outburst of nostalgia for the bloody fkn Rock Eisteddfod, that's what
— Joe Comer (@Jomercoe) August 21, 2020
I’ve been out of high school for a long time but I was immediately thrust back into that time, after an account I follow called @simpsons_smut, that features “Queered up quarantine simpsons reimaginings” posted footage from what they described as a “simpsons via the seven deadloy sins themed 1997 rock eisteddfod extravaganza.”
And that’s exactly right. The high school Rock Eisteddfod performance they had uncovered is called “The Seven Deadly ̶S̶i̶n̶s̶ doh! Simpsons” and was an exploration of how The Simpsons used the 7 deadly sins to get ratings.
Check out how that comes across for yourself.
Freakish Mr Burns, long Bart and Lisa, backflipping Maggie, sexy dancing between multiple high school student Marge and Homer….it’s like some sort of fever dream. No you haven’t taken acid, you’ve simply seen footage from the 1997 Rock Eisteddfod.
Shortly after seeing the initial Instagram post, I saw that news of the full cursed performance had spread to Twitter, and I knew I could no longer remain silent.
I regret to inform you that I have been alerted to the existence of this EXTREMELY cursed Simpsons-themed Rock Eisteddfod from 1997 https://t.co/zVDQYbG4H4
— Spizz (@spizzter) August 20, 2020
Yes, I was a student at Toowoomba’s Harristown State High School in 1997. Yes, I am personally familiar with this performance. Yes, I was in backstage crew. Yes, I helped bring this cursed performance to life. Yes, obviously I was a closeted lesbian.
And yes, I still have the shirt.
Turns out I unfortunately still have this cursed item pic.twitter.com/QpiEcEdkQ1
— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) August 20, 2020
I apologise for my sins.
But as someone who was a bit younger during this performance, and was in backstage crew, I decided we need further context about wtf actually went on.
That’s where my friend Chris comes in. He was in Grade 12 at that same school when this performance happened, and has a bit more insight into the whole thing, and Rock Eisteddfod in general. I chatted to him today.
BEC: Hello! Now we didn’t know each other in high school, we only realised when we met much later that we’d both been at Harristown at the same time. Were you pretending to be straight that entire time as well?
CHRIS: Oh, most definitely. I mean, I wasn’t pretending WELL, I don’t think my insistence on wearing a tank top during all my PE swimming classes helped, and I remember Brad winning a rousing game of Celebrity Head during end-of-term English when he wrote “I AM GAY” on the blackboard above my head, but otherwise yes I was definitely living by the school’s Latin motto, “Recte Crescam”, or “I Shall Grow Straight”.
Tree..money..straight?
BEC: It’s absolutely the most iconic motto for a school that produced maybe two of the gayest people in the entire country. Am i right in remembering that you were only at Harristown for one year — 1997, the year of this very performance?
CHRIS: Yes, I was only there for Year 12. Can I say it was correlation? My last high school had skipped the Rock Eisteddfod and did a musical instead, and it was Bugsy Malone, and it was terrible, so I wanted to upgrade. “Upgrade” lol.
BEC: I think it’s an upgrade, nobody is talking about your other school’s Bugsy Malone musical in 2020.
I’d love to know what you think of the performance watching it now. It’s been called things like ‘cursed’ and ‘on one’, but at the time I didn’t give it a second thought.
Don’t go to sleep.
CHRIS: I have to be honest, I first discovered this on YouTube three years ago, and I said NOTHING, because I was mortified. (That said, I did go back and watch it every six months, just to make sure it wasn’t a fever dream.) But I’m the same as you, at the time it seemed normal. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought we were geniuses, mashing up two different source materials. Very Ryan Murphy.
BEC: American High School Horror Story
CHRIS: Season 12: YELLOW.
BEC: Now you were initially cast as a dancer, but ended up appearing in the very important role of Matt Groening, who opens the show. What happened there?
CHRIS: I was supposed to dance, but tragedy struck during early rehearsals when I got some bad grades, and as punishment for not taking my schoolwork seriously my mum made me pull out. A teacher begged my mum to let me back in as a ‘special support role’, so I became Groening, but I still learnt every single step.
Chris giving it everything.
BEC: It’s so funny to me how seriously Rock Eisteddfod was taken, and it was top-down from teachers. Do you think there was a lot of frustrated performers taking out their regrets?
CHRIS: I am almost certain the dance teacher, who from memory did most of the choreography, was living vicariously through us.
BEC: I wasn’t involved in any of the dance stuff, as a simple hard-working backstage crew member, but wasn’t there something around the teachers not wanting gay stuff in the actual show?
CHRIS: Yes! For the ‘Lust’ segment (done to Janet Jackson’s ‘Throb’, an absolutely KILLER track that nonetheless 14-year-olds probably shouldn’t be hip-thrusting to), the bulk of the choreography was made up of Marge and Homer. We suggested that we should also have Smithers and Mr Burns, because CLEARLY Smithers is lusting after Mr Burns at all times.
No.
CHRIS: At first that was a HARD NO, but we eventually argued that this was supposed to be a portrayal of the Seven Deadly Sins, and Marge and Homer are married, so there is no sin to their physical attraction to each other. The THEME was INCOMPLETE. They were powerless to stop us. Adherence to the ethos of the Rock Eisteddfod eclipses homophobia every time.
So they allowed Smithers to fawn after Mr Burns, but only at the very END of the segment, and only from way up the back of the stage, up on the platform, mostly hidden by the power plant backdrop (on the video they’re visible for no more than four seconds)
BEC: The conservative homophobic stuff fits — I rewatched the whole thing and at the end it is revealed in the interview it’s actually about how The Simpsons doesn’t have a good moral message, and parents shouldn’t let their kids watch it. I’m not sure I realised that at the time.
BEC: Do you also remember how Rock Eisteddfod’s entire thing was about how it was DRUG AND ALCOHOL AND CIGARETTE free?
CHRIS: Oh god. You’re right, that was its ENTIRE purpose!!! I had entirely forgotten that.
BEC: It’s entire thing was about having fun without drugs or alcohol — and apparently queerness.
CHRIS: No fags of any kind. (Or drugs or alcohol).
BEC: But if drugs weren’t involved… what explains the fever dream acid trip of munted Mr Burns and horny teenage Marges and Homers? I am actually thrilled this performance has hit the spotlight, and is disturbing people and causing nightmares, they are getting a taste of my high school experience generally. Do you have any final thoughts?
CHRIS: I lament that none of my on-stage time as Ned Flanders appears in the video. I was very proud of the accuracy of my green jumper, and I was always SO VERY STRESSED about getting my yellow make up on, in time. Also, I really could have benefitted from knowing you while at that school, we maybe both would have been a little less miserable? Is that a downer to end on? RECTE CRESCAM.
BEC: RECTE CRESCAM Christopher. Recte Crescam.
So there you have it – there is simply no satisfactory explanation as to why this was created, or why we participated. We are no closer to answers. But it happened, and we all have to live with it. I will leave the final word to my friend Alistair, who messaged me this after seeing the footage.
Doh!
You might as well go watch the entire thing.
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch