Seven Things We Are Forcing You To Remember About Hotdogs

Update 10/08/15: After a full decade on primetime television, Big Brother is now on indefinite hiatus with the show’s iconic house/prison/voyeuristic sex dungeon at Dreamworld being dismantled. Though there’s speculation it could eventually be brought back on another network, Channel Nine have removed all reference of it from their website and confirmed to The Herald Sun the dream is dead.

Here, in a piece from the series’ resumption in 2013, we reflect on a simpler time. This is what we’re missing out on, Australia:

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Well Big Brother‘s definitely back, isn’t it?

We meet the housemates. We learn the twist. The show is still pretty dumb.

But where would it be without season five pioneer, Simon ‘Hotdogs’ Deering’? A real character that made us proud to be part of the global reality TV phenomenon?

Here are seven things you probably already knew but chose to forget about the man, the myth, the arsehole: Hotdogs.

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1. He Sure Is A Jerk When He’s Drunk

Seen here, Hotdogs stumbles around the house verbally and sexually harassing his “house wife” Vesna; he takes his pants off and tries to put his penis on her, called her a whorebag, tried to hump her, grabbed her breast, and pushed her onto a bed. He apologises for his behaviour, but quickly follows it by commenting that she has a large bum.

The whole clip can be viewed here. Needless to say, there’s a whole lot of this face:

No one likes a drunken jerk except for the Network Ten executives, who thought he should have his own show.  

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2. The Up Late Gameshow With Hotdogs

I know it was on really late and not many people watch TV at that time but my god, this has to be one of the lowest forms of television ever to air. And it lasted for two years. TWO FREAKIN’ YEARS!

For around two hours a night we got to watch Hotdogs chat to callers and ask them trivia questions. CUT! PRINT!

Apparently, Hotdogs didn’t even play fair; many contestants claimed that it was impossible to win the big prizes.

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3. Ready, Steady, Hotdogs

Hotdogs even got to guest on my most hated cooking show, Ready Steady Cook. And guess what he made? Dagwood hotdogs. GOOD ONE MAAAAATE! You got your name in there again. You can’t buy that sort of publicity.

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4. Kissing Sounds Are Gross

OOOOOOH SO GROSS. Turn the mics down, Big Brother!

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5. His Junk

They used to show rude bits on Big Brother and our lovable Hotdogs loved to get his wiener out (see what I did there?). Here he can be seen on a nudie run through the house. (Click here for the uncensored version, creep.)

Cleo magazine liked what they saw so much they later asked him to pose nude. Thankfully the internet has not kept a visual record.

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6. That Time He Ran For The Gold Logie

In the tradition of talented stars like Ray Martin and Rove McManus, Hotdogs even had a run at the Gold Logie.

Surprisingly, he didn’t get the nod. I am certain it haunts him to this day.

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7. Oral Sex In Public

During some horrible post-Big Brother club night, where people actually LINE UP to see ex-housemates parade around, Hotdogs snuck off with a fan and was busted and arrested for indecent exposure. He initially claimed he was just urinating, but security camera footage emerged, showing the young fan performing oral sex on Hotdogs in the middle of a round-about. He was charged $1000.

A class act all the way.

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Matt Banham is master and servant at mattbanham.com. He was also awarded most improved player in his primary school footy team four years in a row.