Culture

Herald Columnist Sam de Brito Really, Really Wants You To Know How Good At Sex He Is

Get ready, ladies.

Sam de Brito is the author of two books and a columnist for the Herald, writing regularly on the hot-button issues of our time like “Gen Y Need To Get Off Their Phones” and “Tattoos Just Aren’t What They Used To Be“. According to author and Herald columnist Sam de Brito, he’s also the greatest thing to happen to sex since the evolution of working genitalia, and boy is he here to tell you about it.

In a column that went up yesterday, forebodingly titled “Come together, right now”, de Brito explores the female orgasm and how sexual pleasure owes as much to one’s mental state as to physical stimulus. These are complex, potentially delicate topics, but have no fear: as he is about to tell you in hideous, hideous detail, Sam de Brito is the undisputed heavyweight champion at doin’ sex with the womens. Here’s how he opens:

“Growing up in the ’80s, in the time of Indiana Jones, the Cleo sealed-section had me believe making my partner orgasm was harder than raiding the lost Ark of the Covenant.

“Thanks to the passage of years, either I’ve transformed into Harrison Ford, or women have become so comfortable in their skins, I don’t have to do much in that department. It just happens.”

That’s right, unsatisfied ladies of the world: Sam de Brito and his magical Cock of Infinite Pleasure are here to liberate you from the shackles of your grey, orgasm-less lives. If you ride the Sam Train, there won’t be any gettin’ off until there’s some gettin’ off. Nahmean? Nahmean?! Up top!

“Today, some statistics report a third of women still never experience orgasm, which suggests to me I’ve been very lucky with partners or I’m dating great actresses.

Or that Sam de Brito’s dick, much like a manned space flight, will take you to new heights. What’s up! What’s up!

Alright, I’ll stop. Unlike Sam de Brito in the sack, amirite — okay, legit, I’m stopping now.

Occasionally, even Sam de Brito encounters a woman who, inexplicably, does not achieve orgasm while he is showering them with a pleasure they have never known. Perhaps this is you; maybe your genitals are made of some dense, unyielding material that somehow prevents Sam de Brito from bringing you to orgasm, like rubber or felt. Being as humble as he is bangable, Sam “Fuck Emperor” de Brito won’t take it personal. He knows he’s got the goods.

“There’s certainly been the odd one unable to reach the stars but, being of sunny disposition, I’ve tried not to wallow in culpability. A good tradesman never blames his tools, and all that.”

No doubt you were just rocked by an orgasm of frightening intensity simply from reading that sexy, sexy sentence. Do not be afraid; that is entirely natural when a member of the female species is within ICBM range of Sam de Brito’s “tools”.

“Overall, however, this wholly unsatisfactory experience has been dwarfed by the numbers of women I’ve met who go off like a frog in a sock. There’s even been a few notable occasions when I’ve put in such embarrassingly little effort I’ve asked ‘Do I need to be here?'”

Hey ladies, how is Sam de Brito like someone at the beach who can’t swim? He’s drownin’ in it.

But back to those rare, faded creatures who can’t, for whatever reason, gain admission to Sam de Brito’s sex kingdom. Don’t sweat it, girl! If those daddy issues you got are stopping Big Man Sam’s God-ordained wang from ushering you into his Temple of Endless Delights, he there for you. You his bae. He gonna take it up a notch, and describe it with terrible analogies to his readers later:

“On the few occasions I’ve encountered ladies who get stuck in third gear, it has largely seemed to be a mental issue, often caused or exacerbated by a religious or otherwise sexually-repressed upbringing. Even then, she may often be coaxed to walk the heavens if a man stoops to conquer, so to speak.”

“If a man stoops to conquer” meaning, in this instance, that Sam de Brito is going to conquer your vagina like the hordes of Genghis Khan conquered the vast steppes of Eurasia. He is going to launch an all-out frontal assault on your vagina of the kind that hasn’t been seen since Operation Desert Storm. Your vagina is about to be conquered.

Exhausted at this point, but warmly enveloped in the steamy glow of knowing the global birth rate is going to shoot up like a firecracker in nine month’s time thanks to his efforts, Sam shoots off this last paragraph before slipping blissfully into post-publication slumber:

“It is thus incredibly encouraging so many Aussie women have shrugged off the shroud of sexual timidity, in many cases shredding it, for wear as a bandanna … a new wave of action heroes giving traditional mores the finger … or, perhaps, the thumb?”

“Or, perhaps, the thumb?” I know you like that, girl.

Awwww, yeah.

You can read the whole thing here, if you haven’t had enough Sam de Brito pleasure already today.