Well, dear reader, I was wrong. Last week, I predicted, nay prayed, that the returning 14th queen would be ChiChi DeVayne. Now it seems the only thing worse than incorrectly predicting ChiChi’s return would be correctly predicting that the comeback queen was indeed Cynthia Lee Fontaine.

I mean, sure. Cynthia has had a real heartstring tug-tug-tugger of a journey since being booted off Season 8 for a truly terrible roller disco outfit, and a rollerskate lip sync slaughter at the hands of Robbie “Zachary Quint-ugh” Turnt-ter. After her elimination, Cynthia discovered she had stage one liver cancer, which she beat, and went on to win Miss Congeniality.

During her season, Cynthia was the “wacky” one, defined by her characteristic “cucu” behind, and also the unfortunate butt (GONG) of a lot of jokes about her English language skills. Puerto Rican and other ESL queens are often thrown into the deep end with acting and presenting challenges that require perspicacity, a sharp turn of phrase, and quick wit.

A year in the spotlight means Cynthia’s language skills have dramatically improved, as has her wardrobe budget. What has not changed is her relying on her body… specifically, her damn cucu. Cynthia said her already-tired catchphrase 10 times in the first ten minutes alone.

We’re so ready for your Cucu again! Welcome back @lee_fontaine! ?? #DragRace pic.twitter.com/Bxpp7W2dMF

— RuPaul's Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) April 1, 2017

If she said cucu one more time, I might have cu-mmit a murder.

The Setup

Last week felt more like episode zero than episode one: no one went home, we got to see flashes of the queens’ style and personality, and everything revolved around Gaga. This week, we were also treated to a super-famous, ultra-talented blonde guest in the workroom thanks to an adorably brief cameo from Lisa Kudrow, who literally just wandered through the queen’s workroom, stopped off to say hello, and reminded thousands of gays around the world to rent The Comeback on iTunes.

Episode two puts everything in the Ru-niverse back on its formulaic track (although, given the amount of screen time needed for a maxi-challenge and runway with 14 queens, there was no mini-challenge this week). Ru split the queens up into two teams, headed by last week’s winner Nina Bo’nina Banana Fofana Osama Bin Laden Brown (full name). This week the ladies had to perform as two competing cheerleader squads: one Team Ru and the other Team B-52 (in honour of this week’s guests judges, The B-52s).

Picking teams is where RPDR queens shine their high school best. No one likes being picked last, but someone always has to. Worse than being picked last is when someone makes a point of not picking you last and announcing it, which is what happened to the ol’ puppeteer himself Jaymes “Jaypetto” Mansfield.

Since walking into the workroom, puppet first, last week, Jaymes has been painted as uneasy, overshadowed, and quirky-in-a-Kathy-Bates-in-Misery sort of way. That level of foreshadowing might lead one to think Jaymes is en route for a surprise winner storyline this week.

Then the gorgeous Valentina got picked last, and the overly-confident, overly-verbose Eureka was all “Valentina’s only been doing drag for ten months, she’s not experienced enough.”

CUE SURPRISE WINNER STORYLINE.

The Challenge

Last season’s group competing performance challenge, Bitch Perfect, was going to be hard to beat, and even diving back into the campy millennium chick flicks with this week’s Bring It On inspired challenge couldn’t top last year.

The group performance challenges this early in the season are always tricky to call, with this many queens in the mix. Unless someone is a spectacular failure you’re usually relying on editing and the judges’ critiques to help pick the winner.

What we do get this episode is confirmation that Kimora Blac is shaping up to be the Gia Gunn of this season: hot, sharp, but ultimately immature and not ready for the crown. The kind, bratty attitude may work when you’re Violet Chachki turning out editorial looks every week, but Kimora showed us in the workroom that she’s not here to be challenged.

We also got a heartstring-tugging moment from Peppermint, who told the story of her cheerleader career in high school that ended with her revealing she was beaten up by one of the basketball players, in front of the entire team.

Peppermint is giving great cutaways thus far, which either means she is going to stick around, OR they are using up her material now because she gets eliminated in the first few episodes.

Get ready, @peppermint247!! ? #DragRace pic.twitter.com/37CFxAHxTV

— RuPaul's Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) April 1, 2017

The cheerleader challenge relied on a fucktonne of acrobatics, stunt moves, and pep. It was okay, as a challenge, but was made all the more entertaining thanks to judge Ross Matthews delivering trademark puns with a cute cutaway. How did we go so many seasons without him?

The Runway

This week’s runway theme was inspired by Pauline Hanson’s One Nation, AKA a White Party. The level of detail and precision in the queen’s outfits thus far have been pre-tty spectacular, which is now par for the course. If you’re coming on RPDR anytime after season six, you are spending money or getting creative.

Based on the runway and her performance, Valentina was this week’s rightful winner. Plus, her cute-as prayer to the Our Lady of Guadalupe (who acts as her adjunct drag mother) probably helped. Valentina is winning hearts for a reason.

The only obvious runway fail was Kimora Bla(n)c, who put the white in seamen this week with her slutty, navy inspired look.

That look landed her in the bottom two with Jaymes Mansfield, who by now had been earmarked as such an underdog I’m amazed he hadn’t just disappeared mid-ep, with Ru telling the others he had “gone off to live on a big, nice farm somewhere”.

The Lip Sync

Any lip sync by an artist who is also judging would be intimidating. This week’s lip sync for your life was the ICONIC ‘Love Shack’ by the B-52s, who were sitting right there. That kind of pressure, teamed with such a camp, fun song should have pushed Jaymes and Kimora to deliver.

What we got instead was this sort of awkward performance where they hovered around each other, like two recently divorced mums hitting the dancefloor of a Gold Coast nightclub.

TBH by this stage I am sort of Ru-ting for Jaymes only because Kimora has shown her hand so early and her spot-on Sharon Stone lip sync is freaking me out. Ru, on the other hand, seems rather ambivalent about the whole thing.

The song came to an end so Ru and the producers flipped a coin, making Jaymes the first queen to go home, probably because Kimora will keep delivering bitchy content in the workroom.

So Jaymes packed her puppet and got out of there. Any gay knows, the best kind of fun has no strings attached.

This Week’s Real Winner

Soda water. All those white outfits versus all that makeup under hot lights? More like RuPaul’s Dab Race.

Actually, stop the music! This week’s real winner is Jaymes Manfield, whose final words after being the first queen eliminated were a simple “be kind,” reminding us that going on RPDR is more than just making it through the episodes. Every queen is now thrust into a complex, cruel world of vicious fandom, social media trolling and… loving-yet-critical recaps.

See you next week, Racers!

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RuPaul’s Drag Race is fast-tracked from the US each Saturday on Stan. Read more Drag Race recaps here.

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Nic Holas has written for The Guardian, Sydney Morning Herald, Archer Magazine, and Hello Mr. You can find him on Twitter @nicheholas, or in his role as co-founder of HIV movement The Institute of Many.