Welcome to Junkee’s most pure column: Heartfelt Rants About Extremely Petty Gripes, where very funny people get mildly peeved about something stupid.

Rock, Paper, Scissors aka Scissors, Paper, Rock aka Paper, Scissors, Rock is a game for two players aged 3 and up, created by Hasbro in 1989.

Each player simultaneously forms one of three shapes with their outstretched hand. The players can either arrange their hand into a closed fist:  representing a rock, a flat hand: representing a sheet of paper, or as a fist with index and middle fingers extended into a V shape, which represents scissors.

Note that the V shape should be arranged horizontally so as not to be confused for the peace sign and that the tongue should not be placed into the crook of the V, lest it be misinterpreted as the international sign for cunnilingus.

Fighting games are just Rock Paper Scissors except bad characters only have rock and good characters have a gun.

— Kosoku (cosmic) (@KosokuSmash) November 4, 2018

The game can have two possible outcomes. If both players produce the same symbol then the game is a draw. If the players produce different symbols then one player will be deemed the winner. A player who chooses scissors will defeat a player who chooses paper.

It is well known that scissors are designed for cutting paper and hold a dominant position in that relationship.

Similarly, a player who chooses rock will defeat a player who chooses scissors. Have you ever tried to cut a rock with scissors? You can’t do it and you wreck your scissors if you even try. Give it a go. Give it ten goes, you will wreck ten scissors.

But What The Fuck Is The Deal With Paper?

Sadly this game falls apart when it comes to the relationship between paper and rock. For some ridiculous reason, the game posits that paper is superior to rock.

What
The
Actual
Fuck,
Question Mark?

In what world does paper beat rock? Crazy World, that’s what world.

I was completely on board with this game. The strong narrative structure and complex world building, up until this point, rivalled the combined works of George R.R Martin, J.R.R Tolkien and Roald R.R Dahl. I was fully into the deeply interconnected histories of these noble households. But this ridiculousness, this paper beats rock nonsense completely ruined my immersion.

The purported logic is that paper ‘covers’ rock. That somehow covering the rock defeats the rock.

It does not!

You have now just given the rock the power of disguise. It is now a stealth rock, a secret rock, a surreptitious rock. A Ninja Rock! You are now Odysseus at the gates of Troy, ready to sneak your rock into any unsuspecting venue. Perhaps you might even sneak it into the birthday party of your enemy. It is wrapped after all.

“Oh, Jordan, a gift, I didn’t suspect a gift from my enemy? I shall let my guard down, physically and emotionally. Alas, a rock, I am hurt and disappointed. Our enmity must continue.”

The Rock Is King

I cannot accept the ludicrous proposition that covering a rock with a piece of paper is to the rock’s detriment. In fact, I argue that the rock is, in fact, triumphant in this matchup.

In order for a sheet of paper to encompass a rock, it must be manipulated to the form of the rock — this action contributes to the sheet of papers quality to become diminished in three areas.

The paper becomes dirty. Most rocks are found on the ground. Their natural state is to be covered in all forms of detritus including, soil, faeces and ciggy butts. If a sheet of paper comes into contact with a rock, then particles of this filth will be transferred to the paper, making it pungent, obscuring any text or artwork on the paper or diminishing its capacity to hold text or artwork in the future.

The paper can be torn. Rocks can be rough and/or sharp. Paper is notoriously fragile.

It is not beyond reason to consider that the process of covering a rock with a sheet of paper will result in the paper becoming torn or scratched. And, as we have witnessed in the case of Scissors VS Paper, a sheet of paper which has lost its structural integrity is definitely a fucking loser.

The paper will become crinkled: any attempt to manipulate the shape of a piece of paper will result in that paper become irregularly folded. That sheet will now jam in any printer, photocopier or fax machine, reducing the efficiency of YOUR BUSINESS.

Fax machines are the backbones of the internet. Do you want Skynet? Cause this is how we get Skynet.

It is my suggestion that this game is modified to become rock, scissors, dynamite. The sign for dynamite is an upturned hand with fingers a-wigglin’. Dynamite is famously used to obliterate both rocks and cartoon Coyotes.

Meanwhile,  scissors are famously used for cutting things like hair and the wired connectors between dynamite and a detonator like in season 8 episode 11 of the hit television program 24 starring Kiefer Sutherland.

In summation, rock beats paper. Paper beats nothing. It’s right there, clear as a sheet of untarnished A4.

Shut your mouth and know your role. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?

—

Jordan Raskopoulos is Australia’s premiere rollerskating transexual.