Your Facial Scrub Is Ruining The Planet, And Australia Might Be About To Ban It

You know those facial cleansers you get with the teeny-tiny little beads in them that are meant to scrape your face extra-clean? Turns out those little beads are itty-bitty shards of plastic that wash down the drain and out into the ocean where they do all sorts of bad nonsense to the environment, especially to the worms and, eventually, fish who inadvertantly end up eating a pile of them.

The secretly evil lives of these beads has been noted with concern for a while, but people are really starting to wake up to it; scientists who scraped the bottom of Sydney Harbour and other sites found that Sydney’s water is just lousy with these little buggers, with up to 60 microplastics found per 100 milligrams of sediment. It’s an environmental catastrophe-in-the-making that, for once, has prompted a swift and decisive response from politicians. The NSW state government has just called for a national ban on the sale of products containing microplastics by 2016, which is excellent news if you live in the ocean or eat anything that comes from there, but not so much if you’re planning an exciting new business involving beads.

If, like Lindsay, you rely heavily on the presence of beads to maintain your rigorous beauty standards, you might want to try some of the fun and exciting tips below to wean yourself off beads and still keep your skin at its glowing best:

• Invest in a rock or, failing that, a chunk of cinder block. Rub vigorously over your face three times a day; four times a day when you start bleeding.

• While driving, open your car door and lower your face to the road until your cheek gently meets the tarmac. Hold in place for as long as necessary to achieve ultimate beauty.

• Consider purchasing a sandblaster or high-pressure water cannon to freshen you up in the morning. Remember, goggles are for quitters.

• Cut off a handsome person’s face and wear it as a mask. Your friends and coworkers will be amazed at the difference!

• Take a firm but delicate loofah, rinse it in cow’s milk and gently rub it in circular motions on the mysterious black stone in the yard. When the stone begins glowing, disrobe and ready the sacrifice. It is time.

• Move to your new life under the sea. No one will judge your beautiful face under the sea.

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Feature image via the New York Attorney-General.