A Practical Guide To Making Jealousy Your Friend, Not Foe

Friends close, enemies closer.

Have you ever been mindlessly scrolling through some social media network and felt that kinda angry, kinda depressing ache that you get when someone you know gets a great job, or pregnant, or married, or moves country or is somehow suddenly the most flawless human who ever walked?

Have you given yourself a Chinese burn then sulked about how much your life sucks? After literal years of that, I’ve cracked the code. Instead of wrestling with my jealously, now we just snuggle.

#1 Use It As Motivation

Are you the type of person who would run harder if your soccer coach berated you in front of all your friends? I wasn’t, and still cry if anyone says anything slightly negative about any aspect of my life. I also quit anything that I’m not immediately the best at without putting in any work. But that’s me, and this is you.

You are motivated by negative enforcement, and using your jell-jell as motivated is just an extension of that. Fuck those people who got amazing jobs in the last week of uni. You’re gonna get a better job and character from that hospo job you had to hold onto for an extra year. Bitch this is the Hunger Games and you’re gonna mow down every single person on your insta feed who’s life looks better than yours, powered by pure bitterness and jealousy.

You almost feel sorry for all the people you know buying houses right now, because you’re gonna work your goddam ass off and get a better house. In Spain.

#2 Surround Yourself With Successful People

My absurdly successful and confident sister told me this. When you feel jealous of someone, befriend them, rather than push them away because you’re so jelly you hate looking at their dumb, happy and figured-out face.

Pushing peeps that make you jealous into the naughty pile means you’ll eventually only associate with people who aren’t as driven or successful as you, which I can imagine would be pretty depressing, unless you’re a full blown sociopath who’s into that kind of thing.

If all your friends and colleagues are the 411 of whatever, you’ll lift each other up and forwards towards not depressing champagne clinking. I also love being part of my lawyer friend’s office gossip, so there’s that too.

#3 Use It To Figure Out What You Actually Want

I don’t fucking know what I want. I think I wanna be pregnant, but that interrupts my career plans which I’m like, kind of sure about but am also applying to every single position on the Arts, Advertising and Media section on Seek.

When someone from high school shares something on Facebook that makes me flex my big green scaly monster, I know for sure I want that, if not only vaguely. That extends to jobs, lifestyles, countries to live in, unhealthy beauty expectations, yada yada yada. I definitely want a house, but just not where Kayla From Year 8 bought hers.

#4 Use It To Remember You’re Only Human

Weirdly, you can totally use your jealousy as an act of self-care. It’s OK to feel envious – you’re not a robot. As long as you’re not enrolling in the Jelly School Of Aurora, you’re fine and you’re normal. I know this sounds a lot like someone who comes from Mullumbimby (2482 ‘till I die), but take it as an opportunity to reflect on the other emotions you hold that aren’t strictly positive.

You shouldn’t feel ashamed of anger or sadness either, and it’s part of the human experience to feel these things. Go watch some Queer Eye and we’ll regroup in a couple of hours. I love you.

(Lead image: Mean Girls / Paramount)