5 Times Our Parents Ruined Our Romantic Prospects
Needless to say, these stories don’t end well.
Blockers is in cinemas now.
We all know those accidentally-interfering-in-all-our-affairs parents who probably mean well but ultimately blow it. Our mums and dads always want what’s best for us, and when it comes to romance, probably do know better than we do a lot of the time – they’ve seen it all before, after all.
But that doesn’t mean we agree with them when they make our dating lives a living hell, think it’s chill when they walk in on us during sex or see eye-to-eye when they give us love advice. Thanks, guys, but no thanks.
In the spirit of #cringe, here are five times millennials wished their parents could just NOT, for the benefit of their love lives. Needless to say, these stories don’t end well.
(FYI, names have been changed in an attempt to avoid embarrassment).
“I had just started dating this girl, sort of around the same time I was exploring Sydney a bit more, going to all age music gigs on school nights and generally being the least offensive or rebellious teenage boy in the history of teenage boys. Unbeknownst to me, I had broken some dumb curfew my Mum had decided to enforce without telling me about it – she grounded me, which sucked ‘cause I had this girlfriend who I wasn’t allowed to see. Thanks for ruining what little love life I had as an underwhelming teen, Mum.
Small disclaimer: Mum and Dad went out one night and I actually did do a sneaky (the only one I’ve ever done in my life) – I invited my girlfriend and some other friends over and yes, we did raid the liquor cabinet and throw all the outdoor furniture in the pool. After that, Mum decided this girl was bad news and tried to stop me from hanging out with her.
We broke up, like, five days later anyway for unrelated reasons, but these days we’re best friends. Mum came around eventually.”
“When I was younger and still living at home with my parents, I attempted to sneak my boyfriend at the time into my bedroom late at night. My Mum obviously caught me (I was 18, and probably the exact opposite of subtle) and immediately told him to GTFO because it was late and also her house wasn’t a weird midnight sex dungeon. Fair call, right?
I just remember screaming something awful at her, like ‘Would you rather we do it in a bloody park, or in the house?!’ I was the worst. Also, ew re: talking with my Mum about sex so openly. Never again.”
“The first time I met my then-boyfriend’s mother, she didn’t address me directly, or speak English in front of me. She told her son (my boyfriend) in Spanish that I had good birthing hips, and asked if I was pregnant yet. She said she wanted a white grandchild. If only her son had told her that I spoke enough Spanish to understand her. Wow.”
“My mum is the most proficient cockblocker I know!! Whenever I bring boys home she literally FLIRTS with them. I’m not sure if she’s doing it ‘cause she doesn’t want me dating anyone (my parents are quite conservative), or whether she actually has the hots for these guys like 35 years her junior (shudder), but it’s gotten seriously out of hand IMO.
When my current boyfriend came over for the first time a few months ago, she took him straight into the garden to look at her veggie patch – this is a classic Jacqui move – and she told me not to bother coming along because I’ve already seen them! Just this Easter, she took him into the study to see her ‘stamp collection’ and LOCKED THE DOOR so I couldn’t get in. My boyfriend swears she really was showing him her stamps, but it sounds like a weird euphemism and I hate it.”
“My boyfriend and I almost didn’t work out because of my dad’s dumb dad jokes. My boyfriend is on the shorter side, and when we first got together 5 years ago it was a bit of a sore spot for him. You know what doesn’t help a self-conscious guy? A loud-mouthed, blunt af, rural New South Welshman of a father who, coincidentally, is quite tall. When I introduced my boyfriend to him for the first time, my dad point-blank said, ‘What ‘dya do? Are you a jockey?’
My boyfriend took it well and made some snappy comeback, but it really affected him for a while. Also, the joke didn’t end there. For the next couple of years, (yes, years) my dad would whinny like a racehorse whenever my boyfriend would walk past. He deserves some kind of a medal for putting up with that.”
“My girlfriend and I were getting a bit hot and heavy for the very first time at my parents’ place recently. We were being as quiet as we possibly could, but my mum must have a weird sixth sense for this stuff. She walked up to the door and starting knocking and rattling the doorknob, asking if we needed anything? Anything at all?
It was like the cool mum scene in Mean Girls, except it wasn’t cool at all. I told her we were perfectly okay and that we didn’t need anything. She left, but continued to bang around the house, not letting us forget that she was home and that I’m a 22-year-old still living with his parents.
Mission accomplished, Mum. Boner destroyed.”
(Lead image: Blockers/Universal Studios)
Kay Cannon’s directorial debut, Blockers is a laugh-out-loud comedy featuring John Cena, Leslie Mann and Ike Barenholtz as parents who try to block their kids from having sex on prom night. Find out more here.