We Need To Talk About The Talking Dick Puppet In ‘Pam And Tommy’

The highly anticipated series Pam and Tommy has officially dropped on Disney+, marking the streaming service’s foray into NSFW content. And NSFW it is, my friends.

Pam and Tommy is a miniseries documenting the whirlwind marriage of Baywatch star Pamela Anderson (Lily James) and Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee (Sebastian Stan), and the release of their infamous unauthorised sex tape. If James and Stan aren’t enough to entice you, it also features a mullet-wearing Seth Rogen.

To put it simply, the three-part series answers the question nobody has ever asked: ‘what if Disney made a porno?’ As is to be expected, the show features an abundance of sex, drugs and rock & roll because, well, it’s the retelling of Pam and Tommy’s very chaotic IRL love story. I wasn’t shocked when every second scene featured somebody snorting a line of cocaine, or Tommy and Pam bumping uglies, but there’s one scene in particular that has been burned so deep into my brain that I do not think I’ll ever forget it.

We need to talk about the penis puppet.

After knowing Pam for just days, Tommy decides he wants to propose, asserting that she’s “the one”. Thankfully, there’s a voice of reason in the situation, his talking penis — voiced by none other than Jason Mantzoukas — who disagrees and thinks they should instead just enjoy an indefinite one-night-stand.

In a scene that I never thought would air on a Disney streaming service, Tommy is standing butt naked in front of a full-length mirror, having a conversation with his dick as if it were his best friend.

“I’m in love I think she’s the one,” Tommy says before looking down.

“Well we’ve been down this road before and it never ends well,” his penis replies, in a full-frontal camera shot.

“Well we’ve been down this road before and it never ends well,” his penis replies.

Tommy talks to his penis, and in what I can only describe as the most NSFW episode of The Muppets imaginable, his penis — a high-tech animatronic and not Stan’s own dick, FYI — moves around and talks back.

For those wondering, it took four puppeteers to control the monstrous penis, which makes the whole situation far less sexy. But if you ask Stan — who understandably had to get comfortable with having a giant prosthetic penis throughout filming — the whole situation just felt like he was having a conversation with a friend.

“By the end of it, I treated it like it was an intimate buddy conversation that one might have when they’re falling in love,” said Stan to Variety.

In actual reality, Lee and Anderson divorced three years after their nuptials — after having two children and a tumultuous and abusive relationship — so perhaps they could’ve benefited from a talking penis advising them that getting married after only knowing each other for a couple of days was a recipe for disaster.

You can stream all three episodes of Pam and Tommy exclusively on Disney+.