‘Neighbours’ Recap: The Fantastic, Nonsensical Return Of Dee Bliss

If you have clicked on this recap, you don’t need an explanation as to why it matters that Dee Bliss reappeared (in a ludicrous fashion) on Neighbours last night, after a 14-year absence. I’m not going to justify this to you. Why does any pop culture thing resonate with anyone? We don’t have time for this.

The only thing we have time for is discussing the strangest 21 minutes of television I have seen since Jack said to Kate, “we have to go back!” when they had spent several seasons just trying to get off the damn island. Full disclosure: I haven’t watched Neighbours since the Howard years (I don’t think those two things are related though).

Dee is back, baby.

After weeks of being gaslighted (gaslit?) Toadie was finally vindicated last night when Dee arrived on his doorstep, after being presumed dead for more than a decade. For a while Toadie just stared at her with his mouth hanging open while Dee was being so casual that it was almost rude. “You know who I am, don’t you Toad?” Dee said while smiling, which is a very ghost thing to say.

Toadie is all, “I KNOW WHO YOU LOOK LIKE!” because the Toadfish ain’t buying it. Dee started making very exasperated faces, which wasn’t very fair. “It’s me,” she said softly, and then in a meaner, more impatient voice: “IT’S ME.”

“Dee?” Toadie said. “Yes, dumbass,” she said.

Dee invites herself in and compliments Toadie on his decision to make their former home open plan. “The house has changed so much,” she says, stroking an Ikea bookcase as if reminiscing on all the fun times she had with that particular bookcase. “Our car went off a cliff?” Toadie says. Toadie isn’t ready to reminisce about Dee’s favourite bookcase yet.

Dee gives him another withering look like Toadie is the most irritating moron she’s ever encountered. Dee should win a Logie for the variety of withering looks she delivers in the first three minutes of this episode.

She promptly explains that she could hear Toadie yelling for her when the car went down in ’03, but the waves kept pulling her down. Dee claims that the police helicopters circling the area couldn’t see her because her wedding dress kept pulling her down into the water. However, for her to have survived that, pulled herself free and still not be seen by the helicopters, means that the police must have only circled the area for a solid two or three minutes before giving up. If I was the local police, I would probably be annoyed every time I got a call from an Erinsborough area code too.

Dee smashed her head on rocks and woke up on the beach. “I WAS SO COLD TOADIE!!!” she says and Toadie gives her a sympathetic look because hey, no one likes being chilly.

Meanwhile Dr. Karl Kennedy — who is not dead and is still on the show — is on the street and he is bloody flabbergasted! “I thought I saw a woman who looks like Dee!” he says. Susan Kennedy ignores him and gets the mail because she obviously still hates him, good to know nothing has changed.

“It’s like she was a double!” says Karl.

“It’s not possible,” says Susan, planning her escape.

“It’s like seeing a ghost!” says Karl.

Man, have I missed these two.

Anyway, back at Toadie’s joint Dee is explaining that a woman called ‘Emily’ saved her. Emily sounds mad suss. Emily had an abusive husband who she was hiding from, and thus decided that she wasn’t going to contact the police or a hospital when she found Dee unconscious on the beach, which makes Emily seem a very strange and enigmatic character, who is also deeply irresponsible.

“You were clearly a missing person,” says Toadie, quite miffed at Emily’s whole deal. Fair enough too, because Emily somehow convinced Dee that Toadie had tried to murder her (which frankly, same, #ImWithEmily). “HOW DARE YOU!!” says Sonya.

Oh, by the way, Sonya has been here in floppy yoga pants the whole time.

“I had a BRAIN INJURY,” says Dee, defending my new favourite character Emily. Luckily Emily took Polaroids of Dee’s injuries at the time, which is very forward thinking for someone with a distrust of emergency services. “Is it really you?” says Toadie. “Urgh, I’ve told you, like — yes, it’s me,” says Dee.

Dee thought about contacting Toadie years ago, but he was at one of Steph Scully’s weddings and looked too happy, so she decided to chill with Emily in WA instead. There are definite sparks between Dee and the Toadfish. Dee wears the same perfume — Toadie’s favourite — which is remarkably consistent for a woman who was lost at sea, never went to a hospital and is under the control of some stranger named Emily. Toadie immediately forgives her for pretending to be dead for 14 years. “You were going through some issues,” he says. Dee nods. She definitely was going through some issues, that’s for sure.

Meanwhile, Sonya tells Steph Scully and her hot, dopey partner that Dee is back. “I don’t know her,” Sonya says, just to remind everyone that she automatically hates Dee. The dopey man reckons it’s a hoax! “I will SHUT HER DOWN if it’s not her,” says Steph Scully, which I think is the most violent threat you can make on Neighbours.

Much to Sonya’s disappointment, Steph Scully does not shut her down.

Meanwhile, the Kenndys have heard the news about Dee and figure that it’s just like when Harold had amnesia (note: Dee did not have amnesia) so just sort of accept it immediately. “Just because something is impossible, doesn’t mean it’s not possible,” says Dr. Karl. Wait, what.

One person who is not buying it is Steph Scully’s dopey partner named Mark. “Can we have a word, Dee?” he says. “Just have a couple of routine questions.” This is a very odd thing for someone in a social scenario to say, but then Steph Scully whispers: “Mark is a cop!”

Mark can’t understand why Dee hasn’t told the police she’s alive. Dee says “it’s on my list” which sounds very shady and is also what I say when people ask if I’ve seen House of Cards yet — so I know this actually means “No, I am not doing that ever, sorry”.

Mark wants to talk to Emily, and Dee freaks out and says “EMILY IS A REALLY GOOD PERSON” and everyone is like, “woah okay” and puts Dee up in a local motel to get this ‘fake death’ thing straightened out in the morning (has one whole day passed in this episode?). Steph Scully wants Mark to just chill out and stop embarrassing her in front of her not-dead friend Dee, but Mark is flipping out. “Steph, this is a police matter!!!” he says. Mark is refusing to catch Dee Fever.

In the hotel, Dee keeps staring at herself in the mirror and lightly touching her face. I don’t know what this means, but it’s highly suspicious and exciting. Can’t believe Neighbours is now the greatest Australian TV show of all time.