Throw Your Child In The Air And Deliver Me A Fine Golden Ball: ‘MasterChef’ Is Back!
Bone apple tea everybody, MasterChef is back!
Bone apple tea everybody, MasterChef is back!
Man, last night was good. For a show that last season felt like a never-ending torture that mocked the very concept of food, MasterChef‘s premiere episode was good as hell. I’M READY.
It’s all off to a very emotional start, with a man lightly touching plants, a lawyer looking wistfully to the sky (heaven?) and a woman slowly typing on a computer.
Man, what a rotten life.
“Wish I was making risotto!!!”
We have been warned that this year will be Very Hard and that the contestants have to cook a lit firecracker (??) so if you thought that MasterChef was getting in touch with the real world, don’t worry, that simply is not the case.
Delicious!!!
The victims, I mean contestants, arrive!!! I instantly love them all for their raw vulnerability and their prop bags of fresh produce. When George, Gary and Matt Preston walk into the warehouse, the wannabe contestants lose their goddamn minds. They’re so happy! They scream and they clap! They shake each other in disbelief! A wild-eyed man throws his child in the air with abandon!
The reaction is so enormous that Gary does a little dance in joy. Matt Preston looks deeply unimpressed by this.
“We are the most popular boys.”
“Today is about getting into the Top 24,” explains Matt Preston, unfurling an apron. “What a reveal!!!” says George. Everyone is already too excited.
“I feel like a waiter,” says Matt Preston, still holding the apron. He pretends to hand an Aperol spritz to George. Everyone laughs so much, because George was recently in hot water for underpaying his wait staff and other employees — oh wait, thery’re laughing because Matt Preston is much too rich to be a waiter.
That is funny.
“Hello monsieur could I take your order would you like the bill, ahahahahahaha.”
“HAHAHAHAHA.”
“haha.”
It’s going to be the hardest year of MasterChef ever, or whatever. “What is most important, is the food you’re going to cook,” says George. Everyone nods in solemn understanding. The cooking is very important. Today the contestants must cook their ‘signature dish’ and wow these pale-faced fancy men to be accepted into the competition.
A woman named Mish wants to open her own dessert bar like Reynold. Who doesn’t! She’s 19. She laughs at the end of every sentence, because there is so much joy in her heart, or she is shitting herself and doesn’t know what to do with her face.
She is making “a golden ball” something that she says as casually as if she was making an apple crumble. Michelle is already a chef and you will not convince me otherwise.
Real amateur shit.
Pia is a woman who is making gnocchi! She already has a lot of cuts on her hand, which either means that she is quite a clumsy cook or belongs to a secret fight club. Pia’s 80-something mum is also there, and she talks about how Pia used to eat gnocchi raw when she was little.
When I was a little kid, I used to eat crunchy peanut butter on a raw Weetbix, a snack that I invented. It was a very unpleasant eating experience. Australian culture is so beautiful.
Pia has been in a few scrapes, that’s for sure.
It is time for the judges to taste Mish’s golden ball. “Did you make that?” says George, suspiciously. “Yes,” says Mish.
“Are you sure.”
“Yes.”
“How old are you, though.”
“19.”
George cannot bloody believe it. He asks her if she likes uni, already trying to persuade her to abandon her education for the glitz and glamour of reality TV.
“Hey lil girl, want an apron.”
“SCHOOL SUX!!!”
The judges are almost annoyed by how good Michelle is. “I’m just a 19-year-old girl who loves cooking!” she says with a shrug. The men are totally flabbergasted. “Imagine what you can do when you’re 23!” says Gary, 23 being the natural career peak for women.
As they always do when they are tasting something they really like, the judges look like they are absolutelty disgusted when eating Michelle’s golden ball, like she has just said the most foul thing imaginable and they are trying to hold in projectile vomit — kinda of like me watching Q&A or Westworld.
“How dare you present us with this beautiful and accomplished dish, I am frankly embarassed.”
“I like this so much, thank you Michelle.”
They place the apron on Michelle and tell her to drop out of uni. Well done, Michelle!
It’s time for Pia’s gnocchi. Matt Preston warns her that the judges (or “boys”) debate gnocchi all the time. Rarely a day goes by when they are not debating gnocchi. They like the gnocchi! “Yum,” George says, as if he is pain.
“Oooh I do love my little potato boys.”
Pia leaves and the judges congratulate each other on accepting two contestants. They really liked those slimy potato boys. “MATT HAS SAUCE ON HIS CRAVAT!!!” says George, pointing at Matt Preston.
George is having the time of his life.
“Hahaha I love my job, please do not ask me about penalty rates, please.”
This woman is named Benita! She says that she is 37, when she is actually 57. Benita is so caught up in the excitement of being near Matt Preston that she starts forgetting basic facts about herself.
Benita is pure joy, therefore she gets in!
Benita getting rowdy in salmon.
A man named Ryan makes some sort of soil and sphere thing, which is very MasterChef-y. “You could eat that in front of the TV,” he lies. “But you’d get fat.” Some hard truths from Ryan over here.
The judges think this is the funniest thing they’ve ever heard!!! Eating can make you fat! You’re in, Ryan!
“My name is Ryan.”
“HAHAHA YOU’RE A CRACKER RYAN, YOU’RE IN RYAN!!!”
A woman named Neda makes a modern Persian dish and tells Matt Preston that he looks suave. She does not get through. Better luck next year, Neda!
By the way, tonight Matt looks as though he is an English nobleman and coal tycoon from the mid-18th century, who has recently taken in a raggedy orphan who has taught him how to love.
“You want, MOOORREEE?? Just kidding, please leave immediately Neda.”
A man named Pete is a crane driver who loves cooking. His friends think he’s mad to love cooking so much! Pete wants to prove that you can like both cranes and cooking, because Australia is not like those other rotten places where you can’t love both. WE LIVE IN A DEMOCRACY.
Pete uses lots of gadgets including a syringe of “chicken goodness”. “This is bangin’,” says George.
George.
Next they are served a “burning pirate ship” which is donuts and whiskey, AKA my ideal weekday lunch. The judges are blown away by the talent on offer and also deeply frightened.
“Oooh feeling a little threatened, hope this doesn’t mean the sack for old Georgie boy!!!”
“I can hear what you’re saying, I’m still here.”
Next the judges are served a dish that has them scratching their heads. “What is it?” says Gary. “Bacon and eggs?” says the bespectacled contestant, as if the judges are morons.
The dish contains “smoked potato foam”. He is, of course, in.
Looks obvious to me.
Love home cooking!
A man named Josh was in hospital for nine weeks last year, so he missed the auditions. He is very emotional about his cook as a result. “It’s called ‘duck in wetlands’,” he says, about his soupy dish. Josh gets in!
“Coming out of my cage and I’ve be doing just fine.”
The next woman is making a dish called “lychee on the floor”. It seems that everyone thinks that deconstructing traditional dishes is not enough, and now they have to actually deconstruct the names of things instead of just saying what they are. Thanks a lot, Heston.
Unfortunetly Emily’s dish is a “sugar overload” for two out of three of the boys. However, it “excites” Matt Preston! She is cooking tonight for a final chance at the game.
“Cook something else on the floor and bring it to me.”
A nurse named Jess — who loves to cook, simply loves it — is making a Japanese savoury-style dessert. She thinks it may be “too edgy”, but the judges think it is just edgy enough. They are also very impressed by the hand-written cookbook she has conveniently brought into the judging room with her.
Then they all write on her beautiful, hand-illustrated cookbook? Boys, what are you doing.
Look at this thing.
“We have all autographed it, you are so welcome Jess.”
“Why did you do that, The Design Files had not even photographed it yet.”
Another bloke is cooking saffron poached pears and smoked ice cream, which apparently he cooks for his son, the fanciest little gentleman in all of Australia. The judges bring the little prince in for funsies, also because he’s cute.
“We have to defer to our honorary fourth judge,” says Matt Preston, spooning pear into the kid’s mouth.
“… Really?” says MasterChef dad. He looks nervous. This kid must be a real savage judge at home.
“Lads lads lads.”
“Father, I often find your cooking wanting.”
“But today you have impressed me, keep up the good work.”
Benjamin is a lawyer who is not that passionate about being a lawyer. “Now is time to do something for me,” says Benjamin. Being a lawyer sounds terrible, poor Benjamin.
He’s making a “Sunday roast”. This is what Sunday roasts look like on MasterChef.
Basic.
When the judges proceed to eat Benjamin’s roast, Benjamin starts to cry. “WHY ARE YOU SO EMOTIONAL,” says Matt Preston in disapproval. “YOU’RE CHANGING MY LIFE, BOYS,” says Benjamin, crying more.
“Thank you so much boys, I am grateful.”
“Can you please stop crying Benjamin, but yes, you have correctly identified us as ‘The Boys’ go fetch us some more crackling please.”
Now. Here is a boy named Callum. He is 18. His face looks like it should be on an Anzac biscuit tin in the 1950s.
Callum.
Callum does theatre. He loves the “combination of theatre and food” like at super fancy gastronomy restaurants that you have to book a year in advance, or Dracula’s.
There couldn’t possibly be anything I do not like about this sweet —
“At a young age I was fascinated with molecular gastronomy,” Callum says. BooOooooooo!
Urgh, this bullshit again.
There are 1 million elements in Callum’s dish, which includes “wasabi caviar”. Everyone in the warehouse is like, “Who the fuck is this 18 year old, did he learn this at schoolies?”. The other contestants are also extremely stressed though, because they do not want to see Callum fail. No one does.
Callum plates up and brings his gastronomic artwork to the judges. “Was that more challenging than exams?” says Matt Preston. The judges are so good at relating to kids. “I love Heston!” Callum says, presenting a plate of pearls and foam. No one is surprised.
Yep, that checks out.
The judges are obsessed with this dish.
Like, George likes it so much that he gets furious about it.
Matt Preston seems unmoved by the dish, which means that he loves it.
They all look at him like they can’t believe they’re not being catfished. “Everyone is going to remember the name Callum Smith,” says Gary in crazed euphoria.
For years to come, in kitchens across the world, chefs will tell tales of Callum Smith. For eons we will wail the name “CALLUM SMITH!” to the moon and advise our kin likewise. On my death bed, I will whisper “… Callum Smith” and then take my final ragged breath.
(Callum Smith.)
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You can watch MasterChef tonight at 7.30pm on Channel Ten. It’s good!
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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s Entertainment Editor. She tweets at at @sineadstubbins.