On ‘Married At First Sight’ Last Night, Nadia Literally Hid In A Cupboard

It has been two months since the irl version of How I Met Your Mother began, and we are no wiser. Some couples have split, some couples who should have split in week one have persevered, and the show at large has been accused of condoning toxic pack mentality behaviour. (Is that what How I Met Your Mother is about, I don’t know.)

Married at First Sight, you’ve really been something.

Last night was the last dinner party, and thus the last time that the group can scream at each other over Sauvignon Blanc and baked potatoes. “This will put them under more pressure than EVER!!” says Mel. Mel is thrilled. Mel is so overcome with joy that she goes missing for the rest of the episode.

Nadia is very aggressively brushing her hair, because she is mad that Anthony wants her to move interstate. That — out of all the strange things that Anthony has done over the last eight weeks — is the thing that has pushed Nadia over the edge.

On a previous date, Anthony told her that to continue being his wife, she must move. Nadia was furious. “What, I’m going to get a one-way plane ticket to Anthony’s arms?” she said. “I would like to say to you, Nadia, that life is a fairytale, but I think we’re both old enough and have been around long enough to know that it’s not,” says Anthony.

You see kids, when you are past the age of 30, you are required to settle for whoever will have you; even if that person appears to have slight control issues and maybe doesn’t even like you very much! Life isn’t a fairytale after all!!

Anthony is very confident that Nadia is absolutely, 100 percent certain about their union. He says that she just needs to “open up the shoulders, pin the ears back and just attack the line”. I have no idea what this means. I guess it’s a horse thing? Nadia continues to brush her hair.

“Tonight they’ll essentially be in damage control,” says Dr. Trisha. Oh, that sounds healthy. Is it unfashionable for me to mention how concerned I am for the contestants on this show? Yes? LET’S MOVE ON, THEN!

As far as the other couples go, Simon has finally said that he likes Alene. In fact, he more than likes her! That’s nice. Susan and Sean are “battling the burden of distance” because if she doesn’t move, it’s off. Sean can’t move because of the rigours of farming, etc. Just farm things.

Michelle and Jesse are on the rocks, even though they recently had fun wearing wacky hats. Basically she is not sure if she likes him. “I just want to enjoy each other’s company tonight,” says the woman who has definitely decided that she’s going to dump Jesse. “Jesse is in the friend zone,” says John Aiken. Might have to look up that psychological term in your textbooks, kids.

It’s time for the dinner party! “They’ll be highly anxious,” says Dr. Trisha, frothing at the prospect. Cut to Nadia straight ignoring Anthony in the car. “Look at that sunset Nadia. Isn’t it beautiful, Nadia? Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, hey Nadia?” says Anthony. Boy does this guy have trouble reading the room.

Nick and Sharon arrive! Nick has a red wine. Sharon is not pleased about this because the last time he drank red wine at the dinner party, he vomited three times in the apartment and not one of those times involved a toilet. The producers remind us by showing footage of three vomit-sodden hand towels. If this isn’t a metaphor for the entire show, I don’t know what is.

Sharon doesn’t have much time to stress about Nick though, because as soon as Anthony arrives to the party, he raises his arms and yells, “ACTUALLY, I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE TONIGHT” for no discernible reason. This distracts everyone from their own problems and instead gets them thinking about Nadia’s problem. John Aiken calls them a “glamour couple”.

“Nadia looks pensive,” says John Aiken, which is polite because really Nadia looks like she is holding in vomit. Suddenly Nadia leaves the room — everyone is shocked!! Nadia hides in a cupboard and tells the producers that she’s sorry, but she didn’t want to look “all irritated” because she was so “uncomfortable”. Um?

Nadia had to hide in a cupboard, but everything is fine.

Oh, wait — Nadia is explaining what the problem is! She just needed to leave the room because she didn’t want to seem inauthentic. “I’m not going to be like, ‘I’m great, I’m great’ and then on the inside I’m like, dying,” she says. Oh. Well, I guess, sometimes you’re in a situation where you can comfortably compare your marriage to “dying” and the crushing thought of your mortality means that you have to go hide in a cupboard. Life is not a fairytale, I guess!

The experts think that Nadia is just being “insecure”. Yeah, that sounds right.

(Seriously, how can we save Nadia.)

Nadia is able to compose herself enough that she can sit down with the others at the dinner table. Anthony decides that everyone should name their favourite moments from the last eight weeks. He turns out to be the only person who plays the game. His answer is: “The time that Nadia and I did Bikram yoga”.

Nadia is not impressed. Nadia even says, “Not believable”. Everything is fine.

“Jesse is drinking a lot!” says Dr. Trisha. Jesse does attempt to be slurping down his wine with all the desperation of a Year 10 kid on the way to the school social. “You’re hot,” he whispers/slurs to Michelle. Surprisingly, this does not win Michelle over. John Aiken explains that people drink when they’re upset or nervous. Thanks for the insight, John Aiken.

No one has gotten into any devastating arguments yet, so the experts decide that it’s time to intervene. Everyone is laughing, Nadia is looking for the exits, and then suddenly: John Aiken appears! The contestants are instantly anxious.

John Aiken is all: “this is getting a bit boring, I want to spice it up, answer these nightmare questions please”. The questions are called ‘Honesty Box Questions’ and must be answered in front of the group. They are specifically tailored to hit the sore points of each couple. It kind of reminds me of this time in high school when a group of my friends got together to do ‘Pandora’s Box’, which was something we saw on a reality TV show. It involved us all writing down questions anonymously and then reading them out to each other, which was basically a way to say mean things without being held accountable for them. Anyway.

“SIMON LOOKS NERVOUS, HE SHOULD GO FIRST,” says Anthony. Simon, who has problems with declaring his feelings in public, struggles with the questions. “DON’T HOLD BACK BIG FELLA,” says John Aiken. Simon does hold back. Simon fails the experiment.

Oh, wait! “How much do you want it to work?” says Alene. “I want it to work incredibly well,” says Simon. Simon will no longer be fed to the lions on set, well done Simon.

Susan and Sean are next. Anthony is excited because he can start talking about how Susan will never be a horsewoman. Jokes on him, because Susan says that she will move to the farm! Even the experts are like “u wot”.

Anthony is bothered by this “bombshell”. He thinks that Susan has made the wrong decision and even more than that, Sean has made the wrong decision for thinking that she has made the right decision. “Ultimately I don’t think they’ll work,” he says. “Sean has made it clear that his horses are his priority. He’s a horseman and I understand horsemen.”

We now know one of two things are true. Either Anthony wants to sleep with Sean and is deeply jealous of Susan, or, Anthony is trying to say that Sean does not have the room in his heart to love both Susan and horses, and that people who love horses are destined to be alone. Obviously he’s never heard of a little show called The Saddle Club. Those girls had crushes for days!

No one else fairs very well. Jesse tells Michelle/the table that he has seen a door, but he can’t walk through the door until Michelle finds the door. Michelle doesn’t get it. She tells him that she doesn’t feel married. Jesse drinks more wine. Keep chasing that door, man.

The experts say that Vanessa and Andy haven’t had a “real talk” and are in “deep trouble”. Andy explains to the table that that in five years time he and Vanessa will be together on a remote mountain. “Well done, Andy!” the experts say.

Nick promises Sharon that “Naughty Nick” won’t come back when they are apart, which is presumably the name of his alter-ego who goes to the strippers all the time and vomits in different corners of the house. “Trust needs to be earned,” she says. “I reckon that’s a fucking load of shit,” he says. Well, there you go.

Anthony, after telling the producers that “there isn’t much doubt” between he and Nadia, is shocked to his very core when she claims that she’s “absolutely had second thoughts”. When though? “At every stage of the experiment.” Oh, right.

“He’s trying to intimidate her not to answer!” says Dr. Trisha, laughing uproariously. That’s a strange stress reaction, but I’ll allow it. Anthony is deeply annoyed by Nadia’s hesitation and so decides to bring it back to a plane he understands: Nadia must be annoyed because he hasn’t told her he loves her yet. Of course!!

“EVERY GIRL IN THAT ROOM WANTS TO HEAR THOSE THREE WORDS,” he says. “NO ONE IN THIS EXPERIMENT HAS SAID IT YET, NO ONE!” Well I think at least two have, but okay Anthony.

The experts are shook. Nadia, after eight weeks and with only one episode to go, has the upper-hand! I guess… that’s a win? Hm.

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Read our last Married at First Sight recap here.