Culture

Kim & Kanye’s Wedding Was Completely Ridiculous; Lena Dunham Wasn’t Invited, Live-Tweeted It Anyway

Lana Del Rey was paid $2.8 million to sing three songs at the rehearsal dinner.

by Steph Harmon  26 May 2014

Want more Junkee in your life? Sign up to our newsletter, and follow us on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook so you always know where to find us.

After some over-the-top pre-wedding celebrations in France on Friday — over brunch at designer Valentino Garavani’s 17th century Château de Wideville, followed by a rehearsal dinner at the Palace of Versailles — everyone’s favourite spectacle got married on Saturday at the Forte Di Belevedere in Florence.

And although it was one of the most publicised weddings in modern times, only one undisclosed outlet was given access to shoot the wedding, and the 200 guests (who were only given details two hours before the ceremony) were asked to keep their mobile phones at home — leading to a whole lot of excellent photos like this:

kanye

So let us piece together what we have, then: some unconfirmed rumours, wild speculation, and a couple of moments from Instagram.

–

Lana Del Rey Was Paid $2.8 Million To Sing Three Songs At The Rehearsal Dinner

Kim Kardashian is a huge fan of Lana Del Rey; so huge that, after Del Rey turned down Kanye’s request to have her sing at his surprise proposal last year, he got an orchestra in to play her songs instead.

But Kanye won the day in the end, luring the artist to perform the night before the wedding with a cheeky gift of close to three million dollars.

Here she is wearing a dress that is maybe made out of SOLID GOLD.

lana

–

And here is a photo of Kim and Kanye, looking lovingly at each other as they discuss all the money that could have been spent to improve America’s healthcare system instead:

kimye

–

Kanye’s Speech Was Insane

According to Us Magazine, who know someone who might have known someone who might have been there, Kanye West’s speech was just as romantic as you’d imagine. Referring to his beloved wife’s family as “an industry”, he touched on all the keystones of a newly-married man: “[The media] feel like it’s okay to put you on the tabloid covers to sell your image, to use you in an SNL spoof,” he lovingly ranted, as his friends and family wiped tears from their humbled eyes. “We don’t negotiate. We’re not like that. We’re not stupid.”

Reminding the room that everyone hated him and his wife and were forced to defend them frequently, he spoke of his betrothed in revered tones of awe and respect. “[Kim is the] ideal celebrity,” he cooed. And the room dissolved into tears.

–

Beliebers Flocked The Ceremony

Thanks to Justin Bieber alluding to an Italian trip in an interview a few weeks ago, the Forte Di Belevedere became the Forte Di Belieberdere, if you know what I’m saying (sorry.). Hordes of Bieber fans lined up to catch a glimpse of a manchild who may or may not have even been invited, with two ambulances on standby should it get out of hand.

believ

–

Jaden Smith Dressed As ‘Albino Batman’, Photobombed Everyone

No one’s sure why.

Here he is in Kimye’s photobooth, with Kris Jenner and hairstylist-to-the-stars Clyde Haygood:

–

And here he is with Kourtney Kardashian, and Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis.

–

The New York Post Didn’t Get An Invite

Last week, the New York Post published their “brutally honest toast to Kimye“: an 800-word piece of snark which satirised the celebrity culture the newspaper makes its money from. “Kim and Kanye, thank you so much for including me in your most special — and hopefully most highly Nielsen-rated — day,” it began. “You guys have everything a couple needs to keep a marriage strong. You have love and class and talent, and above all, high name recognition among the coveted 18-24 demographic.”

And apparently the expert shade-throwing didn’t end there. Here’s how they announced the wedding in their weekend edition.

nypost-480x640

Burn.

–

Jay-Z And Beyonce Weren’t There

They went to The Hamptons instead.

“Wishing you a lifetime of unconditional love,” purred Beyonce on Instagram, where she posted the following photo. “God bless your beautiful family.”

–

Lena Dunham Wasn’t There Either