Culture

Junk Explained: Why Has Australia Gone Nuts For Toilet Paper?

Like, literally just wash your ass if you have no toilet paper. It's really that simple.

by Michelle Rennex  6 March 2020
toilet paper shortage coronavirus

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Following the announcement of Australia’s first COVID-19 coronavirus-related death, the nation has gone into a state of mild panic.

Very quickly, major supermarket chains across the country were wiped clean of non-perishable and staple household items as people begun to prepare for the virus to seemingly take over. Despite there only being two recorded deaths so far from a total of 52 infected in Australia, the stockpiling of goods has truly shown the worst side of panicked Australians.

For some unknown reason, the most popular item to stockpile has been toilet paper.

The demand of which has been so strong that Woolworths has been forced to impose a four-pack limit. The frenzy over the bog roll even got so heated that police had to be called to Parramatta following reports of a woman allegedly threatening someone with a knife over toilet paper.

Now while the general concept of stockpiling goods in preparation for coronavirus is already bonkers, the fascination with toilet paper is even more daft. Long-life food items like canned goods and bags of rice, I can understand. Sure, even bottled water makes some kind of sense. But rolls upon rolls of toilet paper?

How much are you anticipating to shit through the COVID-19 coronavirus season?

Coronavirus Attacks The Respiratory System, Not Your Bowels

Unless you’re an animal, you’re unlikely to develop diarrhoea at the hands of of a coronavirus. In animals like cows and pigs, coronaviruses can cause uncontrolled bowel movements but in humans, COVID-19 attacks the respiratory system.

Similar to the common cold and flu, coronavirus can cause fever, coughing, and shortness of breath in humans. According to the World Health Organisation, this can lead to pneumonia, SARS, kidney failure or death — which isn’t great, but also isn’t you shitting yourself.

Simply put, diarrhoea is not a common symptom of coronavirus, so the desperation to purchase excessive amounts of toilet paper is just baffling.

We Won’t Go Into Lockdown With Only 52 Coronavirus Cases

Beyond shitting themselves to extinction, another theory is that Australians are stockpiling toilet paper in anticipation of a Wuhan-style lockdown. In Wuhan and the wider province of Hubei — the area in China where the COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak started — the city has been in lockdown for over a month.

Normally bustling with over 58 million residents, the streets around Hubei are now desolate and deserted as by government order. But what Australians fail to realise is that the lockdown in Wuhan is essential as the epicentre for the virus outbreak.

To put this into perspective, China currently has over 80,000 total cases of coronavirus and 3,000 deaths. When compared to Australia’s 52 cases and two deaths, you see that Aussies are highly unlikely to be forced into a lockdown. So the idea that you need to stockpile hundreds of bog rolls on the off-chance that the country goes into lockdown is a bit much.

Further, this idea that toilet paper will sell out and we’ll all be left with dirty asses for a long time is all wrong. Despite the popular Australian belief that everything is “made in China”, toilet paper is mostly manufactured in South Australia reports the ABC.

Companies like Kimberly Clarke have even announced that they’ve entered 24-hour production cycles to meet the new demands. So no, we’re not going to “run out” of toilet paper.

Remember That Coronavirus Has A 96.6 Percent Recovery Rate

This whole idea that coronavirus is some deadly disease that will sweep the nation is what has been peddled by media companies around the world. Describing coronavirus as “deadly” to the masses completely ignores the low average death rate of about 3.4 percent (and 96.6 percent recovery rate) — which is far from a death sentence for most healthy people. Obviously it is a concern for at-risk members of society.

Over 53,000 of the some 97,000 worldwide cases have successfully recovered from coronavirus, with just over 3,000 deaths being recorded. So far the common flu takes more lives each year than COVID-19 — approximately 290,000 to 650,000 deaths annually across the globe, according to the World Health Organisation. Even at its lowest figure, this means the flu kills at least 24,000 people each month while the monthly average for coronavirus is around 1,000.

Headlines from companies like The Daily Mail that reference “secret warehouses stockpiling $100 million worth of vital supplies” makes the average person feel pressured to prepare for the worst. Describing the disease as “deadly coronavirus [which] threatens to spark a pandemic” is likely what has caused the mad rush to stockpile goods across the nation. The Australian similarly promoted panic and instilled fear in Australians with their headline “The Age Of Pandemic Upon Us”.

It’s this focus on deaths over those recovered that causes widespread panic and makes people feel like they must be ready for our impending doom. But even if the death rate rose and we were forced into lockdown or quarantine, toilet paper should be the last thing you worry about.

Even If You Don’t Stock Up, There Are So Many Alternatives

Ok, let’s say you do get sick and have to self-quarantine: You’re stuck at home for 14 days with no outside contact. Are you really telling me that in two weeks, you’ll use 20 entire rolls of toilet paper to yourself?

Imagine if there was a Wuhan-style month-long lockdown — realistically, would you even use 20 toilet rolls then? And if you were to run out, do you really not have a tissue box handy or some paper towel? Even newspaper if it comes down to it, or, I don’t know, some water and soap?

If you did have coronavirus or were in lockdown, toilet paper would and should be at the very least of your list of worries. Wouldn’t you rather have an ample supply of nonperishable goods or your necessary medicines, and not be drowning in excessive amounts of toilet paper?

The perfect answer to all these questions? Honestly, just wash your ass. It isn’t that hard.

Countries throughout Asia and the Middle East have used anal cleansing techniques for decades. Many bathrooms throughout Asia are equipped with “bum guns” or bidet-style toilets to ensure your area back there is truly clean. In the Philippines, a bucket-system called the ‘tabo’ is left in the bathroom for post-defecation, and in Muslim culture a ‘lota’ is used in a very similar way.

Anyway, what this all means is that even if you were to run out of toilet paper, you have a brain. You will not die because you can’t wipe your asshole with some scrunched up, dry tissue. So can we all please just relax.