If Your Hangover Were A Movie, This Would Be The Soundtrack

Ultimately, your hangover would be a pretty shitty movie. 2 stars at best.

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The morning after a big night out is generally pretty uneventful. Unless you have a Dude Where’s My Car moment or you went out with the wolfpack from The Hangover, you probably just spend the next day eating, sleeping and thinking very, very deeply.

It’s a foggy but predicable story where you re-examine your poor life decisions and say you’ll never drink again. Ultimately, your hangover would be a pretty shitty movie. 2 stars at best. But give it a banger soundtrack and it’s bound to be a little more exciting. Plus the audience gets an empathetic look into the existential crisis that is your morning after.

Here’s a mixtape for the relatable docudrama that is your hangover, starring you and your fragile ego.

Max Richter – ‘On the Nature of Daylight’ 

In a seven minute opening scene, an overhead shot captures you in bed, staring vacuously at the ceiling. Glassy eyed and dry. You’re thirsty.

Flashbacks from your night flash across the screen in a montage of regrets. Richter’s somber strings are beautifully foreboding. Definitely too beautiful for how useless you are.

Ryan Adams – ‘Shiver and Shake’ 

As you emerge from your room, you give knowing eyes of solidarity to the housemate you know is also disgustingly dusty. Adams’ murmuring breathes heartache into this wake up scene.

Snowballing thoughts paralyse you in the shower. Within minutes you’ve already thought about all the people you’ve ever fallen in love with, how homesick you are and whether you’ll ever truly amount to anything. These are the days you need double what it takes.

Antony and the Johnsons (Anohni) – ‘Hope There’s Someone’ 

You head to Woolies for supplies with a list scribbled on the back of your hand: Panadol, bacon, Gatorade. The aisles appear never ending. You move slowly and pensively through them to Anohni’s wallowing voice.

The song builds in urgency, slammed piano chords crescendo as people swarm around you. Runners, mums with prams, little old ladies. You notice you’re hideous as you catch your reflection in the doors of the frozen section. You need to get out. The list on your hand dissolves in sweat.

Suddenly you’re saying thank you to the self-serve check out and standing on the footpath with a ten pack of migoreng, WD40, two mini hotdogs and a plastic ladle.

Thurston Harris – ‘Little Bitty Pretty One’ 

Without this tune you’re just cleaning up four hundred beer bottles in your apartment. With it, you’re a domestic wizard being wonderfully productive despite your hangover.

The National – ‘This Is The Last Time’ 

You just depleted any energy you had. ‘I’m never drinking again’ you whisper to no one and then remind yourself to blink.

I wont be vacant anymore. You listen to The National through your headphones ‘cause you know those sad guys know your pain.

Kanye West – ‘Touch The Sky’ 

You just smashed a bacon and egg roll and Bloody Mary. Nuff said, do your happy dance. You feel on top of the world, baby.

Destiny’s Child – ‘Bills, Bills, Bills’ 

Sassy and buzzed, you check your bank balance. Cue Queen Bey.

You send out a litany of desperate texts to your siblings, your housemates and whichever parent likes you better: Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo’ bills?

Rob Thomas – ‘Little Wonders’ 

You’re sitting on the back porch watching the sun throw colours into the sky.

This corny anthem perfectly captures the achievement of making it through the day. You’ve reconciled that all of your regrets will wash away somehow and crack open a celebratory beer before bed.

The film ends as you raise your glass. The audience leaves

UB40 – ‘Red Red Wine’ 

Closing credits.

Zoe has almost finished her never ending uni degree. She travels and writes  and that’s about it.

(Lead image: Bad Teacher/Columbia Pictures)