How To Win Australian Survivor: A Strategy Guide Based On Survivor’s 31 Winners To Date

Spoilers to all 31 seasons of US Survivor. Sorry.

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Right around the turn of the century, a single show starting with the letter ‘S’ forever altered the course of television history. It’s not The Sopranos or Six Feet Under, and unlike both of them, it’s still actually running. Now for the first time ever — we won’t speak of that 2002 version that bombed on Channel Nine or Dicko’s Celebrity Survivor in 2006 — we can all be a part of it.

The ultimate test of endurance, strength and cunning.

AUSTRALIAN SURVIVOR is coming to TEN. #SurvivorAU #Ten2016 pic.twitter.com/OcSwIzGSGu

— Channel Ten (@channelten) November 19, 2015

Survivor, the Adam-and-Eve of all reality TV competitions is finally getting the proper Aussie treatment this year and rather than chastise network cronies for waiting 15 years to give us no-frills blokes and sheilas a fair shake of the coconut shell, let us instead look at it this way: we have 31 seasons of this ever-evolving, needle-spike of a show from which to learn.

Before we breach the beach, here’s how the Americans run the game. A motley group of US citizens are marooned in a remote location for 39 days. Divided into tribes, contestants must then work together with next to nothing in order to build a community. Each three days, tribes face off in a reward challenge to win survival aids and luxuries and an immunity challenge, where the losing tribe must go to tribal council and vote home one of their members.

Roughly halfway through the competition, remaining members of both tribes merge into one and challenges become individual. When the final two or three contestants reach the end, those eliminated previously get the chance to vote for who they think is most deserved winner.

Here’s how each contestant has won the title of Sole Survivor, as told by someone who’s devoted approximately 341 hours of their life to this beautiful, bizarre, incestuous world.

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Richard Hatch — Borneo

The “fat, naked, gay man” was the first to figure out that the key to winning the game was numbers. And so was born the Survivor alliance — an aspect of the game that results in genuine connection as much as it does deception and heartbreak. He was later sent to prison for tax evasion on his Survivor winnings, so maybe he’s not your best role model.

Lesson: IT’S A GAME!

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Tina Weeson — Australian Outback

Tina showed that challenge dominance doesn’t guarantee a win. Her younger and physically stronger competitor Colby Donaldson thought taking an affable, reliable tribe matriarch to the final two would ensure his success. He was wrong.

Lesson: Never underestimate the power of a mother.

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Ethan Zohn — Africa

The professional soccer player and his three-man alliance looked set to reach the end, until retired school teacher Kim Johnson came out of nowhere and won immunity, forcing the trio to disband. Ethan took the title five votes to two.

Lesson: Don’t count on a boys’ club to reach the end.

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Vecepia Towery — Marquesas

Vecepia’s final days were a series of smart plays. Eventually she eliminated her biggest threat Kathy after striking a deal with Neleh, the goat (someone who’s ridden the coattails of a strong player) to take her to final two.

Lesson: Ensure whoever’s riding your coattails never lets go.

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Brian Heidik — Thailand

Though largely credited with winning the game due to his experience as a used car salesman, this James Van Der Beek lookalike actually took the crown thanks to two jury members voting AGAINST his fellow finalist who people saw as lazy and bigoted, Clay.

Lesson: Never trust a used car salesman.

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Jenna Morasco — The Amazon

Jenna sat on her swimsuit-model backside ringing an invisible butler’s bell for 90 percent of the journey, then took a sharp U-turn and suddenly won challenges, developed strategies, and owned up to her shit.

Lesson: Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish and lazy.

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Sandra Diaz-Twine — Pearl Islands

Sandra kept out of everyone’s business without being passive, only talking shop when necessary. She didn’t care who was voted out, as long as it wasn’t her. Strong, patient, and charming, Diaz-Twine is the only two-time winner of Survivor.

Lesson: In the right hands, the ‘anybody but me’ strategy totally works.

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Amber Brkisch — All Stars

Amber was one half of an inseparable two-person alliance (and romantic coupling that led to marriage, children, and two appearances on The Amazing Race) with ‘Boston’ Rob Mariano. This let her rise to the top and, while her powers of deception matched her future husband’s, he was ultimately the face of the alliance and took the brunt of the Jury’s anger letting her walk away with the title.

Lesson: Let someone else in your alliance cop the hate.

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Chris Daugherty — Vanuatu

The only male contestant left alongside five women, Chris lied and cheated his way to the final two, which suggested he’d lose in a landslide. Instead, Chris owned up to all his machinations, apologised, and even shed a tear or two.

Lesson: Say sorry. Tell everyone they are right and you are shit.

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Tom Westman — Palau

Tom lead his tribe to an undefeated run of challenge wins, completely eradicating the opposing side. A universally respected New York firefighter to whom you could set your compass, Westman’s physical and social games were so strong that he barely had to strategise on his way to the win.

Lesson: Become a perfect specimen of gentleman before applying for Survivor.

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Danni Boatwright — Guatemala

This was a ho-hum season of Survivor due to a lackluster cast. Danni took the title due to there being very little competition, apart from returning player and genuine Wonder Woman Stephanie LaGrossa, who arrived on the island with a significant target on her back.

Lesson: Hit the beach with little-to-no competition.

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Aras Baskauskas — Panama: Exile Island

Aras was reliable but relatively beige player whose physical prowess aided his journey to the final tribal council — ultimately he was deserving of the win, purely due to his de-throning of retired Navy pilot Terry Dietz. Panama is also revered for the inclusion of Shane Powers, Survivor’s most entertaining contestant.

Lesson: You only have to beat the biggest physical threat once. At the right time.

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Yul Kwon — Cook Islands

The first brainiac to take the crown, Yul took bits of previous winners’ strategies and devised a seamless, odds-based rationality to reaching the end. Coupled with competent physicality and genuine modesty, Yul took the title from arrogant on-island phenom, Ozzy.

Lesson: Brains are sexy.

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Earl Cole — Fiji

Earl was a bright advertising executive who knew nothing of the game upon the marooning. Once audience-favourite Yau-Man left the island, this charming and likeable underdog became a shoe-in for the title.

Lesson: Don’t watch Survivor. Ever. It worked for Earl.

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Todd Herzog — China

Though tiny in stature, Todd asserted his intelligence on the first day, and along with the underrated Amanda Kimmel, he systematically dismantled the group using both big and small moves.

Lesson: If you know the game, be confident about it.

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Parvati Shallow — Micronesia

In her second attempt after Survivor: Cook Islands, Parvati used her unique ability to annoy someone while simultaneously charming their pants off to form an all-female alliance that played shirtless men and doting women like freshly-oiled fiddles. Arguably deserving of winning season 20 a couple of years later, Parvati missed out on a second title to Sandra Diaz-Twine.

Lesson: Don’t mess with Parvati.

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Bob Crowley — Gabon

Unobjectionable and ingenious, physics teacher Bob Crowley not only built a furnished house for his tribe, but a fake immunity idol out of melted resin and scraps he’d found off the island. At 57, he is the oldest man to ever take the title.

Lesson: Before applying, take a course in prehistoric carpentry.

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James “J.T.” Thomas, Jr. — Tocatins

The prodigiously likeable southern boy never had a single vote cast against him after dominating challenges and aligning with strategic mastermind Stephen Fischback. J.T. returned in season 20 and made the most erroneous play in Survivor history giving a villainous member of the opposing tribe an immunity idol.

Lesson: Grow up milking cows and tipping your straw-hat to passing tractors.

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Natalie White — Samoa

Many argue Natalie only took the title due to the infamous Russel Hantz’s poor jury management. Russel played the game with a villainy nobody had before, but in the process moved too many contestants offside. Hantz’s ego is so huge he tried to convince Natalie to hand over the title.

Lesson: Align with an asshole, if they’re a good player.

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Sandra Diaz-Twine — Heroes vs Villains

The only two-time Sole Survivor took an arguably unexpected win from Parvati and the infamous Russel Hantz, both of whom played relentless, ingenious games. Survivor once again shows that no matter how well you play for 38 days, it’s how you’ve manage the jury on that last day that counts.

Lesson: Never underestimate the underdog.

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Jud “Fabio” Birza — Nicaragua

A sub-par season if there ever was one, though it was always going to be tough coming off the back of such an all-star run with Heroes vs Villains. Not many remember much about him other than his golden locks and Keanu Reeves-esque demeanor.

Lesson: Do nothing. Win immunity at the last minute.

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Rob Mariano — Redemption Island

Boston Rob needed four attempts to win a season of Survivor, and as the season seemed designed for his strengths, it was a cakewalk. His fellow tribemates were all newbies, and so in awe of the reality TV personality that they willingly joined in his self-serving cult, thus essentially handing over the cheque.

Lesson: SO MANY. See: The Boston Rob Rulebook.

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Sophie Clarke — South Pacific

This was an atypical season of Survivor where the winner was merely the least offensive pick of an undeserving group. A abnormally religious and downright fanatical season, led by three-time player Benjamin “Coach” Wade, this played more like a ‘70s horror film than a season of reality TV.

Lesson: Be sane.

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Kim Spradlin — One World

Credited with not only playing the perfect game of Survivor, but being the most perfect woman on the face of the Earth, Kim was a friend, shoulder and leader to her fellow contestants, while dominating in challenges and making moves at exactly the right times.

Lesson: Be Kim Spradlin.

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Denise Stapley — Philippines

The sprightly sex-therapist aligned with the most physically dominating contestant, Malcolm, then blindsided the wonder boy right before final three. Though her rabid empathy was cited as disingenuous, she was the first to survive every single tribal council and go on to become Sole Survivor.

Lesson: Form a tight bond with an equally strong player then 86 them at the 11th hour.

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John Cochran — Caramoan

Returning for a second chance after his neurotic ramblings and bared insecurities led to an early departure in Survivor: South Pacific, the self-professed “Survivor nerd” had come to self-acceptance. He played an intelligent, confident game and rightfully swept all the final votes. He went on to write for that terrible Will Arnett sitcom The Millers and is now working on his own pilot for CBS.

Lesson: Self-deprecate to camera while others dig their own graves.

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Tyson Apostol — Blood vs Water

The Survivor smartarse returns for a third time, but drops the larrikinism once his girlfriend is voted off first, vowing revenge. Anytime he seemed to be in trouble, he’d pull out an immunity win, and his hardline approach against anyone who turned against his alliance proved to be a powerful line in the sand.

Lesson: Never underestimate the jester.

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Tony Vlachos — Cagayan

Tony was the police officer that never stood still. Instead, he combed every inch of the island for immunity idols, built a “spy shack” in order to eavesdrop on fellow contestants, and acted on a series of frantic impulses on his way to a million dollars.

Lesson: Run around the island like a tweaking grizzly bear, acting purely on impulse.

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Natalie Anderson — San Juan Del Sur

A former contestant of The Amazing Race, Natalie was a savvy, no-bullshit player who kept her foot in the circle without hogging the spotlight. Like Tyson in the previous season of Blood vs Water, Natalie’s loved one was voted off first.

Lesson: Develop skills relevant to Survivor by first appearing on another reality show.

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Mike Holloway — Worlds Apart

The most hardworking member of the Blue Collar tribe whose folksy ways initially won over fellow survivors, eventually got on everyone’s bad side. His only path to the title was to grab every later-stage immunity win, which he did.

Lesson: Nobody puts Mike in the corner.

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Jeremy Collins — Second Chance

Three tribes of returning one-time players proved the most exciting season of Survivor in recent memory. Jeremy was always in with a huge chance, but it was his emotional revelation of his wife’s pregnancy at final tribal council that lead to a clean sweep of jury votes.

Lesson: Impregnate someone before the show.

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Overall lesson: There is no one way to play Survivor. Apologies if you expected anything more specific.

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Applications for Australian Survivor close February 10. The show will premiere on Channel Ten later this year.

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Jeremy Cassar is a screenwriter from Sydney.