Politics

“Don’t Fuck With Harold”: Healthy Harold Went On ‘The Feed’ With A Message For The Government

The beloved children's educator has finally spoken out. Kind of.

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It’s been a tumultuous few days in the life of Mr. H. Harold, beloved public health mascot and van-dwelling giraffe.

On Tuesday BuzzFeed News reported that the Department of Education was cutting funding to Life Education Australia, essentialy putting Healthy Harold and his harem of human servants out a job.

Naturally, the reaction to the news was swift and fearsome, as a generation of Australians came to the defence of the dead-eyed yellow puppet who taught them what not to put inside themselves when they were kids.

Unwilling to face the wrath of Harold’s fanatical disciples, Education Minister Simon Birmingham quickly walked the funding cuts back. Harold’s long neck was off the chopping block.

With his livelihood no longer under threat, Healthy Harold has finally fronted the media himself. In an interview on last night’s episode of The Feed, the children’s educator opened up about the ugly ordeal, including the moment when he nearly threw it all away.

“Listen, I’ve been clean and sober for over 30 years,” said Harold, looking suspiciously like Mark Humphries in a onesie. “But there were a couple of hours last night where I thought a line of coke and a shot of Jack wouldn’t be that bad.”

Thankfully, the talking giraffe resisted temptation — and came out the other side stronger than ever before.

“Ecstatic, yeah,” said Harold of his reaction to the news that his job had been saved. “And best of all it was a natural high, which is the only high I endorse.”

Ultimately, the message for the bigwigs in Canberra was clear:

“Don’t fuck with Harold.”