TV

‘Game Of Thrones’ Power Ranking: Ice Ice Baby

GoT HQ: "Let's just put all of this plot into the episode now"

Game Of Thrones

Hollywood, 2011.

Game of Thrones Executive Producer David Benioff: “I just wish people recognised that we’re BUILDING SOMETHING. It takes a LONG TIME to build something. Not every episode is going to have a big emotional pay off!!”

Game of Thrones Executive Producer D.B. Weiss: “I know my dude, hey what do you think is happening with Charlie Sheen?”

Hollywood, now.

Benioff: “Fuck it, let’s just put all the plot into this episode now.”

Weiss: “I think this slavery show is a really good idea.”

LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!


Winners

Jon Snow (10 points)

The saddest boy in Westeros finally got what he wanted!

Haha, he’s ecstatic.

Now that he has taken some sort of express boat Uber to one of the only places in Westeros that is as visually depressing as his own home, Jon is making quick work with the ladies and has succeeded in “mining” their “glass”.  Oh wait, he really is doing that, right? I’ve been watching a lot of Outlander lately, my mistake.

It really is a wild show, I tell ya.

But really, Jon and Dany’s Big Meeting went pretty well! I mean, mostly!

“ew it’s so dark and chilly in here.”

“hot queen tho.”

Dany is like, “Soz that my dad killed your grandfather, exceptionally soz about that” and Jon almost cries because no one has ever said soz to him about anything? But then he also refuses to bend the knee, because there is NO TIME FOR ANYONE TO BEND KNEES. Man, running away from these White Walkers is gonna be tougher than we thought.

Jon also immediately tells Dany that she needs his help, which lol okay, and that she is a child for not immediately believing a stranger and handing over all her armies.

“You said he was cool.”

“I thought he was cool, I now see that he is not cool.”

“He’s in a leather dress talking about ice men.”

“He is Jon Snow, he is my king.”

Put your hands up if your enemy is The Dead! Oh, so everyone? We’re all on the same team if we’re on the side of ‘not being horribly murdered by The Dead’.

“Nice scars.”

Apart from succeeding in finding a way to save humanity or whatever, Jon also rekindled a nice ally in his sort of kind of acquaintance (I guess?) Tyrion. They talk in very short sentences and vividly recall quite a mundane conversation they had several years ago.

“Jon Snow, I must solemnly apologise, I swear to you I never had sex with your beautiful sister.”

“No no, we were all pretty certain about that.”

When Dany does not summon her army merely at the sight of Jon’s weepy eye holes, Tyrion comforts Jon and they brood together on a cliff about climate change, wow England sure seems boring.

By the way, I love how when one of Dany’s dragons flies over the Northern men, they’re like “HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HECK, IT’S DRAGONS????”

Like… yeah, dudes. What the fuck are we all doing here otherwise.

“WHAT ARE THESE SNAKES OF FLIGHT, SAVE ME SANSA”

Cersei (9 points)

You got your revenge! You seem to be ‘winning’?  Well done I guess, I don’t know.

(Side note: Do parents actually have favourites, don’t tell me.)

(Mum, is it me.)

Euron (8 points)

The commoners of King’s Landing are blowing kisses to Euron like he’s Ryan Phillippe at the Studio 54 premiere, except that he’s just a guy with a leather jumper and an erection who’s leading his niece on a leash.

If you could read my mind, oh!

All the tales my thoughts could tell!

Cersei is extremely thrilled with her present! Euron is extremely thrilled that she is thrilled! She promises he will soon receive a “reward”! Sexy, sexy times.

“I like rewards too.”

“Cheer up, hey by the way does your sister like a finger up the butt.”

“Because I’d like to put my finger up her butt.”

Dany (7 points)

I mean yeah, she seems to be losing the war but she did get to flex and embarrass the worst and most handsome Bright Eyes impersonator in Westeros this week. If I had to live in Dragonstone I would probably spend all my time staring into mirrors and memorising speeches too.

Maybe Dany does believe Jon, maybe she just wanted him to stop blocking the view on her favourite cliff, but whatever the reason she has given him the green light.

“… why does everyone keep talking about glass.”

[Dialogue]

“Ima pretend I understand.”

“Sounds good, do what you like, have they invented television yet.”

Dany “yada yadas” pretty much everything Jon says, which is obvious when she’s like, “Hey Tyrion, what did Davos mean when he said that Jon had survived a blade to the heart, yeah sounds like a pretty boring story I agree, better ignore it then!!!”

If Dany isn’t skinny dipping to get Jon’s attention in next week’s episode, I’m sorry but this show just isn’t realistic.

Sam (6 points)

Aw, shit look who found a cure for greyscale! A disease which is seemingly diagnosed by poking the sufferer with a metal stick and asking “does this hurt?”. I love having a double handshake with a man who only recently had a terrible, touch-spread disease.

Ah yes, really access as much flesh as you can there, Jorah.

Sam does have to go to the principal’s office, but he hasn’t been expelled!! His reward is make copies of rotten papers, while suffering bites from flesh-eating insects!! I tell ya, it’s times like these I really regret not doing Honours.


Losers

Davos (5 points)

Way to make small talk about palm trees with a former slave, my guy.

“You must miss that tropical climate, do you holiday there in the spring!!!!”

Jaime (4 points)

You know, you think you’re having a good week. You take off your golden hand after a long day, your sister-girlfriend gives you a blow job, you decide to make your incest relationship public – you could definitely be doing worse!

“You’re probably right, the nature of our love is common knowledge now, nothing to worry about.”

“OH MY GOD, SOMEONE SAW SERENA GET OFF THE TRAIN AT GRAND CENTRAL.”

Then you’re like, “Hey I know I have to kill this old lady, but I’m going to do it with honour and make it painless, even though she called my son a cunt and my sister girlfriend a monster and a disease”. Then you find out that the old lady killed your eldest son quite terribly, and you already gave her the nice poison. Which is the nicest gift you can receive in Westeros, basically!

“I ain’t sorry.”

“I can’t believe I just wasted my last nice poison, what will I do for KK.”

Littlefinger (3 points)

When Littlefinger fails to seduce Sansa, he attempts to confuse her into submitting to him.

“Fight every battle, always.”

“… Okay.”

“Everyone is your enemy, everyone is your friend.”

“Sure.”

“Every possible series of events is happening at once.”

Wtf, is he on peyote.

“I’m going to keep talking nonsense until she looks away.”

“Oh no she’s still looking.”

Varys (1 point)

“Haha, guess you’ll have to leave Westeros, haha.”

“Sweet, see you back here for our deaths I have foreseen, have a good winter break though.”


Death Count: A Few, Yeah

Lady Olenna: “Tell ya sister I say hello.” This legend died in the way I can only dream of dying – with revenge in my heart and a nice pinot in my hand.

That Sand Snake: Tough way to go, pal.

Ellaria (eventually): See above.

All those Lannister dudes/Unsullied dudes: War! What is it good for, etc.

WTF, Who Knows?

Sansa and Bran

I mean, it didn’t go well.

What a warm reunion.

We all think we want the Stark kids to reunite, but it turns out that it isn’t always that sweet! Like when your little brother transforms from a curious troublemaker into the surliest motherfucker this side of the Wall!

Even though Sansa is beside herself with joy to see Bran, he’s too busy remembering things to be excited, or even just to exhibit basic manners.

Bran: “Sansa, I am the Three-Eyed Raven.”

Sansa: “I don’t know what that means?”

Bran: “The Three-Eyed Raven told me about these things.”

Sansa: “But, I thought you were –“

Bran: “IT’S DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN SANSA!!”

Not All Ravens.

I mean is it that difficult to explain Bran – urgh, whatever. Having been to Burning Man once, Bran now thinks he has reached an elevated plane that permits him to be extremely rude to his long-suffering older sister. Just ‘cos you got a lot of feelings doesn’t mean you’re allowed to hurt other people’s, fam.

(Decides to burn every Dashboard Confessional record in the North)

Game of Thrones is streaming on Foxtel Now and airing on Showcase at 11am and 8.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.

Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.