Every Great House In ‘Game Of Thrones’ Ranked By How Fancy They Are

Babies, we’re nearing the end of the grand and bloody saga that has been HBO’s Game of Thrones, and frankly, it’s exciting.

But, as the title of the show implies, at the end of the day, it’s  all about who gets to sit on that fabulous throne — as 90s Australian television host Mike Whitney might say, who dares wins.

We’ve all got our favourite potential ruler of Westeros, a horse in the old throne race.

Most of the contenders come from one of the nine great houses from the Seven Kingdoms — and friends, these houses are not equal.

Some of them are little more than bloodthirsty bandits, while others are cutthroats with airs of grandeur. None of them are particularly ethically pure.

But pretty much all of them are fancy bitches.

This has all gone on for so long that frankly, I don’t care anymore, I just want someone to take the throne and end it.

But, because I too am a fabulous bitch, I have decided to rank each of the Great Houses of Westeros by just how fancy they are, and therefore, arbitrarily deciding on whether they deserve to win based off of the important things like: nice clothes, cool castles, extra attitudes, shiny rings.

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# 9: House Greyjoy Of Pyke

There is no house less fabulous than the Greyjoys.

These dirty squid people live on a squalid island, and the only castle is defined by rickety bridges. Bridges are the least fabulous mode of egress, I’m sorry! Those bad boys like to fall down. It’s always cold and rainy, and you have to use bridges, which is not great for OH&S, as evidenced by the death of the old Greyjoy king, who I think might be called Mr Squid? Father Squid? (-50pts)

They worship the least flamboyant god — “The Drowned God”. There’s so many gods who haven’t been drowned, so it just seems silly, you could absolutely choose a less damp deity. (-55 pts)

They have a lot of boats, which COULD be fabulous if they were yachts, but they are not — they are used only for raping and pillaging,  rather than yacht parties, which is just not very chic anymore. (-1000 pts)

I’m probably going to get cancelled for classism, the Greyjoys are CLEARLY a product of unfair distribution of resources due to epic-fantasy capitalism. (-4000 pts)

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# 8: House Tully Of Riverrun

Ey, the fish boys!

There’s a stink of new money about this whole house — they’ve gone for a really huge castle by the river, but it just doesn’t have any class, you know? It’s probably shoddily built and filled with the wall-art you can buy from Ikea. (-20)

Plus, they’re famous for kicking their only gay son (Brynden Tully, the Blackfish) out of the house. (-800)

Not fabulous!

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# 7: House Stark Of Winterfell

We love the cold, sad children of Winterfell, but honey, they are not fashion.

You can do a lot with fur these days, and I guess they didn’t have PETA to worry about, but let’s move outside monochromatics in the wardrobe! (-10 pts)

Jon Snow is nominally a member of House Stark (bastard), and he’s such a sooky and fabulous diva! We’re keen! (+ 20 pts)

Winterfell has some rustic charm I guess, I can imagine eating some fresh bread after going skiing, maybe a hot tub in the Wyrdwood? (+10 pts)

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#6: House Arryn Of The Eyrie

OK, a lot of points for living in a fancy destination castle up the top of a mountain. Very yoga retreat meets health spa, and the mules you ride to get up their give it a really nice touch of authenticity. Lux! (+30 pts)

Unfortunately there’s a real stinky boho attitude going on once you’re up there, complete with weird breastfeeding habits and the Westeros version of an anti-vax child. (-100 pts)

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#5: House Baratheon Of Storm’s End

Baratheon has a very hunting-lodge vibe, and I guess that’s hot. Lots of dead animals on the walls, suckling pigs, big horns of wine. Kinda medieval faire meets frat party, but with leggings and gold crowns. We’re mildly into that, seems fun. (+10 pts)

However, it’s also DEFINED by drunken frat-boy raucousness (Robert Barratheon, killed while drunk by a pig), and that is not classy or flamboyant. In fact, being killed by a pig is FAMOUSLY déclassé. It’s the worst kind of animal to get killed by, imho. If I had the choice, I’d prefer to be beaten to death by a goat while the entire city watched silently. (-50 pts)

Plus, their youngest and gayest son, Renly, had to go off and become the big gay king of the Tyrells, which is such a wasted opportunity. (-50)

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#4: House Targaryen

These bitches understand drama and flair! White hair! Dragons! Burning their enemies alive! Always keep things interesting. (+ 100 pts)

Daenerys is honestly iconic — she loves a brooch, she’s basically the quintessential dog parent (but with dragons, who she calls her babies), she braids her hair, is massively into social justice issues. Big lesbian energy. (+ 200 pts)

These guys are hugely into incest! (- 200 pts)

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#3: House Martell Of Sunspear

Oh my god, everyone in House Martell is a bisexual, poison loving, fashion conscious, perfect angel. (+ 5000 pts)

Oberyn Martell, the Red Viper, could slowly step on my trachea until it cracks, and I’d thank him for it. (+ 3000 pts)

They’re all dead, though. Not great. (-2000 pts)

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#2: House Lannister Of Casterly Rock

OK, they love wine, they love wearing gold-embroided sparkly clothes, they’re heavily into wearing tasteful yet extravagant accessories, lions are flattering on anyone, and they are big divas. You cannot deny that they are fabulous. (+ 300)

Think of Cersei — when is she not looking perfect, drinking wine and plotting to destroy her enemies? Never. Fabulous. (+ 200)

They love burning their enemies, blowing up churches, and never forgiving anyone ever! That’s FABULOUS. (+300)

However, once again, these guys are hugely into incest! (- 2000 pts)

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 #1: House Tyrell Of Highgarden

I’m sorry, but there is no house more flamboyant than House Tyrell (which, unfortunately, may explain why it’s entirely destroyed).

Their sigil is a rose (gay!) (+1000 pts)

They live in a castle absolutely full of flowers and big open windows, it’s very open plan and delightful! If Martha Stewart cast spells, this is the kind of castle she would live in. (+ 100 pts)

A lot of their family (RIP) wears a bunch of flowing silks and linen, it’s very Instagram influencer. (+ 15 pts)

They have a sassy older woman in Olena Tyrell, who gives everyone withering insults, BASICALLY a slightly more vicious version of Maggie Smith in Downtown Abbey, and that’s the fanciest thing a family can have. She loves poison! (+ 400 pts)

And, then there’s the gayest character on Game Of Thrones — Loras Tyrell, the Knight of Flowers. Even the name itself screams homosexuality. Remember when he shaved Renly? Anyway, he’s fancy as shit. ( +1000 pts)

Unfortunately they are also all dead, and their wealth scattered! Not great! (- 1000 pts)

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Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor of Junkee, lol.