Everything You Need To Know About Game Of Thrones Can Be Learned From This 14-Minute Video, Apparently?

As many of you may be aware, the third season of Game Of Thrones kicks off at the end of this month, which has thrust upon me the dilemma of any television addict: I’d like to be up to date on the series and the relevant online discussions, but I’m too busy watching cartoons.

To be fair, I’ve read much about the show: endless ruminations on the precarious balance of power in Westeros, the flawed nature of all the potential kings, and the boobs – oh, how I’ve read about the boobs. But without a visual reference, I have no idea what any of this means.

To the rescue comes this official HBO 14-minute recap, which tells you everything you need to know about the show to be prepared for the upcoming season. For the rest of you requiring a bit of a catch-up, let us proceed blindly on a vast (but mercifully quick) journey through the land of the Seven Kingdoms (or something).

00.09 – The great Peter Dinklage plays Tyrion. I once saw Peter Dinklage at Momofuku in New York; I stared at him for two hours between sips of ramen broth. He seemed like a lovable guy, hence Tyrion must be a lovable guy. “Power resides where men believe it resides,” says a gruff-voiced bald man to Tyrion at the beginning of this clip, which leads me to believe that there’ll be a battle for the throne, which I probably should’ve guessed after staring at the show’s title.

01.00 – Joffrey is a smug blonde kid with a crown, signifying that he must be the king even though he’s only 9-years-old. In one scene, the ‘Lady from 300’ slaps him across the face. Joffrey threatens to have her killed. She reveals that Joffrey is her son. The sexual tension is creepy and unbearable, a much-loved characteristic of this show.

01.35 – We are introduced to an icy fellow named ‘Robstart’. Later on, I realise he is actually ‘Robb Stark’ of the Winterfell Starks, a peasant family who spend their dirt-smeared days collecting water from creeks in wooden buckets. Other notable Starks include Rob’s sad-looking wife Catelyn and their adorable young daughter, Arya. Arya has a Joan of Arc haircut, so I predict she will be incredibly badass. Like a snail after the rain, details slowly reveal themselves.

02.46 – Daenerys (I looked up this spelling) is shown walking across a desert. She’s sent her dothraki off? They find a paradise filled with dragons. Sheesh, more characters? Some fellow named Jon Snow treads through his namesake. He reveals that Kraster is “quite a despicable character”. Jon’s cherubic friend Sam falls in love with one of Kraster’s wives. Sam is clearly going to die. The lady who plays Catelyn Stark mentions about 800 other names. I’m not rewinding the video.

04.30 – Melisandre is a pagan, and also quite erotic. I know this because her clothes blow seductively in the wind when she walks around her bedroom. Melisandre has an orgasm (about time!), which leads to Remly’s murder at the hands of an evil spirit. Catelyn is afeared that she will be blamed for thy murderous villainy, so she aflees.

05.43 – Sam wants to go on a “ranging mission to see what the Wildlings are doing”. The Wildlings look like eskimos. He kills one, but relents when confronted by a fiery redhead. They find “dragonglass”. “We’re not sure what the significance of dragonglass is,” says the beardy dude. Fuck you, man. Meanwhile, Theon completely betrays his family and decimates Winterfell. This brings up two points of confusion: a) I have no idea who Theon or his family are, and b) I can’t tell who I hate worse, Joffrey or Theon. Please leave advice in the comments underneath all of the hatemail.

06.38 – Daenerys, the blonde girl with an incredible tan, is referred to as “mother of dragons” by some creepy Carthines who have gold peacocks and look like performance artists (I don’t trust them). After a fun day out walking the desert, Danny returns to a bloody scene of bloody corpses. “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?!!” she yells. This lady’s all about her dragons.

07.11 – Turns out Theon’s an incredible asshole. He burnt the farmer’s boys and hung them up outside the castle gate. “Woldefray is a man you do not mess with,” says Catelyn. I have never heard of Woldefray. Theon’s friends get killed. Ingrid is wily. She’s a redhead. Jon becomes a captive of the Wildlings. Things are moving at a startling pace now; the season finale is a mere five minutes away!

10.15 – Danny must battle some tough magic to reclaim her dragons. Dragons, dragons, dragons; why don’t you just marry your dumb dragons!

11.00 – Joffrey is cool for a second: “They say Stanas never smiles… I’ll give him a red smile!” he smirks. “The threat from Stanas is the most terrifying for Joffrey,” says some talking head. WHO IS STANAS?? I HATE THIS SHOW, I HATE IT. Lots of talk about a “mudgate”. Peter Dinklage says “pyromancer”. This show is finally starting to remind me of the high-school kids no one ever sat with.

12.05 – Tyrion gets cut in the face. His pudgy squire Poddrick saves him with some cool lance action. “The deal was struck to marry Marjorie to Joffrey.” This seems important, but I have no idea who Marjorie is. I feel like a child, lost in the wilderness, walking in circles and snacking on poisonous flora and scattered pebbles. I want my Mummy.

12.40 – The dragon lady is stuck in a dungeon, but her dragons have learnt to breathe fire! They burn a dude. Her obsession with dragons has finally paid off.

13.01 – “Jon hasn’t returned to the ‘Fist of the First Men’ and Sam’s getting nervous,” says the bearded guy who plays Sam (or Jon, I don’t know, I don’t know!). We leave Sam and Rother and someone else in a perilous situation. They’re surrounded by snow zombies.

13.35 – You are now up to date with Game Of Thrones. Congratulations?