Culture

Scientists Have Cursed Us All By Recreating An Egyptian Mummy’s Extremely Stupid Voice

We're screwed.

by Joseph Earp  24 January 2020
Egyptian mummy

Want more Junkee in your life? Sign up to our newsletter, and follow us on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook so you always know where to find us.

Listen, if many decades of movies and TV have taught us anything, it’s that you should never fool around with an Ancient Egyptian mummy, mostly on account of Ancient Egyptian curses, which are famously disruptive and annoying.

One minute you’re poking at a dead guy covered in bandages, the next you’re pissing locusts, or watching in horror as your cat turns to sand, or fleeing from a blackened sky filled with Eldritch horrors. It never works out, and the people who do it are jerks.

But try telling that to the scientists who have decided to revive the voice of a centuries dead Egyptian priest named Nesyamun, clearly one of the worst possible voices to revive. Yep, instead of just reanimating the vocal chords of a 16th-century cheesemaker, or a Renaissance-era accountant — famously non-cursed people — researchers have instead decided to make a dead warlock speak.

And worst of all, they’ve made him sound dumb as hell.

I mean, seriously, just listen to this:

Not only is this whole situation incredibly cursed, it’s not even very cool. Imagine spending thousands of dollars animating a voice that will definitely be sending strange psychic shockwaves through the planet right now, only to make it dribble out noises like some lobotomised sheep.


Anyway, there’s absolutely no way any of this works out for the human race. Guess we should all just sit around and twiddle our thumbs until they turn into a pile of heaving scarab beetles, or our eyes pop out of our head, or Justin Bieber releases his next record, or whatever fucked-up curse awaits us all.