In the spirit of LOVE this week, it’s important to also talk about communication – and how that can go very, very wrong. Frequently.

In this day and age, most of our conversations occur over text or apps. We are all relying on words and emojis and punctuation, all of which are notoriously unreliable. Are they being sarcastic? What does the love-heart-eyes face really mean?

Well, let’s deconstruct the most common texts, and also the most common mistakes that you’re making.

“I’m Fine.”

I thought that I would start with an oldie, but a goodie. What does they really mean when they are fine? Like, completely, 100 per cent fine? That they are actually FINE?

No, we all know that that actually means the complete opposite. Anyone who uses the word “fine” to accurately describe themselves is a maniac and should be on a watch list. When you say that you’re fine, it really means that a) you can’t say what is actually bothering you because it is petty and ridiculous and you will look like an IDIOT, or b) they should KNOW that you’re not actually fine, and you are now seething with rage because they can’t pick up basic human signals.

“I’ll Be There In Half An Hour.”

They won’t! That’s what that text means. It’s a courtesy text to let you know that they intend to come over, yes, but they won’t be half an hour. They will be an hour and a half away and are probably still getting dressed. Don’t hold your breath.

“My Parents Are Lovely!!!”

Anyone who can imply three exclamation points with their voice alone is too enthusiastic, for starters. And who talks up their parents? Anyone who uses the word “lovely” to describe their own parents are very afraid of them, and are trying to get a jump on your impression of them by really building them up. Watch out.

*Eggplant Emoji*

This is either the visual equivalent of “u up?” or a very enthusiastic vegan.

“ILY.”

Have you ever dated someone who says “ILY” over text? If so, no. “ILY” is a scary abbreviation, and anyone who uses it over text is playing with fire. You’re in that weird phase where it’s too early to say, but they are testing the waters. Tell them to grow up, because you’re both adults. 

“I’m Too Busy.”

Everyone is “too busy,” but we prioritise the things and people that are important to us. If they can’t make a space for you in their busy life, it means that it’s time to let go. You deserve someone who is willing to put in the effort to keep you.

“I Don’t Like Dogs.” 

They are a psychopath. Boy, bye. No time for that.

“We Need To Catch Up Soon/Get Coffee!”

This means that you’ve fallen into the adult trap of not actually wanting to catch up but not being brave enough to say it. If they say this to you, they don’t want to hang out, so you shouldn’t either. When you’re two grown-ups, you can never actively fight with anyone anymore, so when the relationship has run it’s course, unfortunately you have to pretend that you want to still hang out. How fun is this? We are all having so much fun.

If any of your texts look like this, read between the lines. There are so many things that we can’t say with words or tiny pictures of fruit. Maybe sometimes its best to put down the screen and maintain your relationships IRL.

(Lead image: Insecure/HBO)