Culture

‘The Daily Tele’ Is Here To Guide Terrified Sydney Parents Through 2021’s Eshay Pandemic

First COVID, now eshays? When will the parents of the Northern Beaches get a break!

by Michelle Rennex  4 February 2021
Daily telegraph eshay guide

Want more Junkee in your life? Sign up to our newsletter, and follow us on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook so you always know where to find us.

If dealing with a Christmas-ruining COVID hotspot wasn’t enough, the Northern Beaches have now been plagued by a different, but equally terrifying, pandemic: A supposed sudden surge of eshays in their local area.

Yep, despite the area being arguably a whole lot wealthier than the majority of Western Sydney, the area that eshays usually originate from, residents of the Northern Beaches are apparently terrified of the “rising eshay culture” happening in the community.

The rise in eshays in the area has even gotten so bad that The Daily Telegraph via Manly Daily has felt the need to publish the most boomer-y guide for concerned Northern Sydney parents titled: ‘What Is An Eshay: Warning Signs Parents Should Look Out For‘.

Before we dissect the horror that is this “eshay guide”, we must first agree on what an eshay actually is.

The top Urban Dictionary definition for an eshay describes them as “usually white, skinny males who like to think they’re roadmen or gangsters”. If you want a more detailed look into eshays, I wrote this explainer back in 2019.

But honestly, the easiest way to spot an eshay, otherwise known as a lad or HK (hard kunt), is usually just by the clothes they wear — Nike TNs, bumbags, polos and Nautica, usually — and the chaotic energy they exude. Wherever eshays go, drama and violence usually seems to follow.

However, while eshays thrive off the public thinking they’re “gangster” thanks to their fondness for staunching, stealing and fighting, anyone who actually lives in areas populated by these kids know it’s usually all just an act. Seriously, if you grew up in Western Sydney like me, you barely bat an eye when you encounter a real eshay because acknowledging them is how they get their power.

So it really is hilarious to watch these Northern Beaches residents basically shit themselves in fear over these “wannabe child gangsters“, as News.com.au calls them.

Despite youth crime numbers literally decreasing in New South Wales, there has allegedly been a “rise of antisocial behaviour among youths and kids apparently dressed like eshays” in the local Northern Beaches area. So much so that Manly Daily senior reporter, Julie Cross, decided that she needed to make a guide to help parents stop their sons becoming eshays themselves — as if anyone from the Northern Beaches could ever be a true eshay, and not just a trust fund baby looking to rebel.

The bonkers article, which is somehow actually NOT a Betoota Advocate piss take, references a number of instances where Northern Beaches kids were apparently “being rolled for their clothes and trainers, but were too scared to report it” around the the Narrabeen and Newport areas.

“Parents fear an increasing number of teenagers in middle-class areas are dressing and acting like eshays, a term first coined in the 1980s to describe lower-class youths in public housing who intimidate, rob, and boast about drug use,” reports Cross, clearly never having encountered an actual eshay in her life.

“They sometimes carry weapons and use crime to fund their drug use, often videoing and posting their antics on TikTok or other social media channels.”

Credit: u/YummehBurek / Reddit

Offering a warning to concerned parents, the article suggests that parents should keep an eye out for their kids “developing a sudden fixation with wearing designer brands such as Ralph Lauren and Nautica”.

The guide also specifically points out any new interest for “sportswear labels like Nike, Adidas and Ellesse”, “Nike TN trainers… and baseball hats”, “the use of bum bags”, and, of course, warns parents to watch out for their children suddenly “using eshay language, a type of pig latin”.

“They scramble the letters of a world such as ‘lad’ and add ‘ay’ on the end to make adlay,” writes Cross. “Other words include ‘eetswa’, which means ‘sweet’ and ‘illchay’, which means ‘chill’.”

Ooooo such scary stuff! Parents watch out!

The best part of the article, however, was the overly dramatic commentary added by Dr Terry Goldsworthy, an Associate Professor of Criminology and former detective inspector of 28 years.

After sprinkling some gems throughout the piece about how eshays “tend to like dark clothing”, “travel in packs” and act in an “intimidating manner towards other youths and adults”, Dr Goldsworthy noted that social media is the cause for the sudden rise in eshays.

“A few years ago I’d never heard the term eshay, but I think social media has something to do with it,” Dr Goldsworthy said, as if eshays haven’t been kicking about since like 2005. “Eshays use it to highlight their robberies, assaults and drug use.”

But concerned Northern Beaches residents, fear not and breathe easy! It’s actually all ok, because Dr Goldsworthy reckons that just like punks, eshays will soon be replaced by the next thing.

“Like any subculture, today’s eshay will be tomorrow’s nerd,” the professor shared. Poetic, really.

Oh, Daily Telegraph you’ve well and truly done it again.