Budget 2017: The Official Junkee Drinking Game
"Every time Bill Shorten attempts to zing the government: Down your entire beer, but take 16 seconds to do it."
Tonight our insect overlords who work in that funny looking ant hill in Canberra will lay out their vision for a bright and prosperous Australia. Yes, dear readers, it is budget o’clock, tick tock on the clock, but the party don’t stop.
Treasurer Scott Morrison today promised that the budget will be “incredibly practical” and said that he was “reasonably optimistic there are better days ahead”. The words “reasonably optimistic” don’t inspire a great deal of confidence, although given the man’s track record I’m just glad he’s not suggesting we start hunting retail and hospitality workers for sport.
As always, there are plenty of intriguing questions surrounding this year’s budget. Will the government deliver a clear plan to tackle the housing affordability crisis? Will young people find themselves struggling to afford higher education? Will multinational corporations finally be asked to pay their fair share of tax? If we had to take a stab, we’d go with “who knows”, “probably” and “of course not, don’t be absurd”.
Still, no matter how much money they rip out of essential public services, there’s one thing ScoMo and co. can’t take away from us: the right of every Australian to get absolutely sloshed. Below, find the updated rules for Junkee’s annual budget drinking game. Good luck.
Budget 2017: A Drinking Game
Every time you hear the words “fairness”, “opportunity” or “security”: Take a shot.
Every time Scott Morrison says he’s been “listening” to “everyday Australians”: Take a shot.
Every time you hear the words “practical” or “responsible”: Take half a shot. It’s the responsible thing to do.
Every time you feel confused about the difference between “good debt” and “bad debt”: Maybe have a glass of water. That stuff barely makes sense when you’re sober.
Every time you hear the words “agile”, “innovative” or “energetic”: Do a jager bomb.
Every time someone talks about putting “Australian jobs first”: Smash a VB mate!
Every time Malcolm Turnbull sells out in a desperate attempt to placate his conservative colleagues: Have a cheeky red wine.
Every time a millionaire politician with a portfolio of investment properties talks about “making sacrifices” or “living within your means”: Knock back an entire bottle of champagne. Fuck it, what have you got to lose?
Every time Bill Shorten attempts to zing the government: Down your entire beer, but take 16 seconds to do it.
When Cory Bernardi weighs in: Throw your drink at the TV.
When Mark Latham weighs in: Throw your TV out the window.
When Tony Abbott weighs in: Eat an onion.
When miniscule concessions to first home buyers do nothing to get you out of the rental market: Eat an avocado.
When Barnaby Joyce reminds you that there are actually lots of nice houses going in Armidale, what’s so bad about Armidale anyway?: Eat a whole bag of avocados.
When the government fucks over uni students: Goon of fortune.
When the government goes after foreign workers: Try one of them fancy foreign drinks. Tequila? I hardly knew her!
When the government refuses to invest in renewable energy: Finish your six pack and then use the plastic rings to strangle a turtle. It’s more merciful this way.
When the government imposes harsh new measures designed to make life harder for welfare recipients: Yeah, you would be drinking, wouldn’t you? Why don’t you pull your head in and get a bloody job? People like you are the reason this country is going to the dogs.
When the government tries to sell corporate tax cuts as a positive: Their days are numbered, comrades. The revolution is coming. Seize the means of production.
The budget announcement will be broadcast from 7.30pm on ABC.
Tom Clift is Junkee’s weekend and morning editor. He also writes for Concrete Playground, is the co-founder of Movie Mezzanine, and tweets sporadically at @tom_clift.