Beyoncé Just Won The NFL Super Bowl Halftime Show. Coldplay And Bruno Mars Were There Too.

Super nice of Beyoncé to invite Chris Martin and a bunch of football players to her party.

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Hey, the Super Bowl just happened! And as we all know, the best part of every Super Bowl is the clash between two of NFL football’s greatest teams for one of sport’s greatest prizes.

Just kidding, it’s the halftime show! It’s always the halftime show.

After last year’s Left Shark — remember how funny that was for two days? — and Katy “Brought to you by Pepsi” Perry extravaganza, what would 2016 entail? Chris Martin doing capoeira with a narwhal? Bruno Mars moonwalking with a dancing fedora? Beyoncé beating up Betty White?

More importantly, would it — could it — live up to New Kids on the Block in 1991?

“Who are Coldplay” and “That Famous Coldplay Song” were the most googled phrases in America last week (editor’s note – they were not), and having Chris Martin appear on James Corden’s please-let-this-go-viral Carpool Karaoke segment didn’t somehow magically turn him into Adele. So, y’know, Coldplay was a headscratching choice at best.

Still, at least they didn’t get the Black Eyed Peas again. Here’s what went down in Super Bowl 50’s Halftime Show, or ‘A Head Full of Dreams: A Heart Full of Unconscious Coupling.’

Coldplay Did Some Stuff And No One Cared

Janelle Monae did a pretty amazing genre-shifting intro for the halftime show, proving that Janelle Monae should be drafted for every Super Bowl halftime show. As one of America’s longest-standing national traditions is gambling on the Super Bowl, bets were placed on what songs Coldplay would play. ‘Clocks’, ‘The Scientist’, ‘Viva la Vida’, their own ‘Clocks’ cover ‘Speed of Sound’ and ‘Paradise’ were all short priced favourites. Chris Martin forgetting that he wrote ‘Yellow’ and singing Travis’ ‘Why Does It Always Rain On Me’ instead was also a solid bet.

And then we were off. Chris Martin crouched on the ground as a bunch of kids swarmed the stage, and he would not stand up normally again the rest of the show. Looking like someone crossed Christopher Ecclestone and Martin Freeman and then starved them for three months in a tanning bed, Martin led Coldplay in a brightly-coloured rendition of ‘Viva La Vida’ that looked like someone blew up a Duran Duran concert in 1987.

It became abundantly clear that the entire idea behind having a million kids on-stage with Coldplay was to ensure no one boos Coldplay. Straight out of the Kim Jong-Il playbook. Chris Martin whipped up a pretty sweet dive to the edge of the crowd, and it was nice to see all the ‘real fans’ (read: PR flacks who scored tickets) get some face time with Chris Martin, Chris Martin’s teeth, and Chris Martin’s tan.

Bruno, Beyoncé And The Dance-Off

Coldplay finished with a whimper and it was over to the Hawaiian Ellen (Bruno Mars) and Mark Ronson, who performed ‘Uptown Funk’ while the world waited impatiently for them to finish so Beyoncé could do her thing.

It was worth the wait.

You had to feel a little bit sorry for Bruno Mars, paired in a dance-off with the most iconic dancer alive. He’s also like a foot shorter than Beyoncé. Poor Bruno Mars.

Then came a strange, fade-in fade-out highlights reel of previous halftime shows to commemorate the Super Bowl’s 50th anniversary. Besides being a reminder that Bruce Springsteen is fucking incredible, it proved Beyoncé’s solo halftime show in 2013 was and remains the pinnacle of human achievement. Somehow, Janet Jackson’s ‘wardrobe malfunction’ didn’t make the cut for that one.

They brought it all together at the end with a big ‘We Are The World’-type moment, during which B and Bruno were cool enough to let Chris hang out with them. Bless.

Final Takeaways

The show wasn’t helped by having Bruno Mars stand next to average sized human beings. The crowd spelled out ‘Believe in Love’, which was kinda weird. Like, who doesn’t “believe in love”? Why do we need to be yelled at to “believe in love” by Chris Martin and a stadium full of finance executives? Also, good point Sarah Silverman.

Aaaaaaand that was it! Yikes. At least Taylor Swift liked it.

But still, this:

Jaymz Clements is a New York-based writer.