TV

Dear Netflix: We’d Better Be Able To Make Bear Grylls Drink Pee In His New Interactive Special

Do not disappoint me.

by Joseph Earp  19 March 2019
Bear Grylls has a new interactive special called 'You Vs. Wild'

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Dear Netflix: I want to be able to make Bear Grylls drink piss in his new interactive special.

Hey Netflix, you know how you’re financing a Bear Grylls interactive special called You Vs. Wild in which, Bandersnatch-style, the audience can choose different branching story paths? Well, I want one of those paths to involve Bear Grylls drinking a hot cup of his own salty piss.

After all Netflix, you know how adventurer Bear Grylls once tucked into a steaming mug of his own urine for pretty much no reason, even though he had some water right near him and could presumably have asked one of his camera operators to reach over and grab it? Well, when you drop your new interactive special, I want to be able to make Bear Grylls unzip his fly, fill up a cup with his own tinkle, and then tucker into it like it’s a fine wine.

I mean, Netflix, lemme just stress this as emphatically as I can — if you drop You Vs. Wild and it doesn’t involve a moment where the prompt ‘Make Bear Slurp A Piping Mug Of Wee-Wee’ appears onscreen, then you will have missed a trick, and I will be writing several strongly worded tweets about it.

Indeed, Netflix, You Vs. Wild is apparently made up of eight episodes, each of which sees Bear tackle a different jungle locale, aided by the knowhow of his involved audience, and so if it at no point in those four hours of content the adventurer is forced to micturate — into any intermediary receptacle of your own choosing, I’m not picky — then I plan to immediately delete my Netflix account.

You Vs. Wild drops in full on April 10, and if it doesn’t allow me to force Bear to suck down a pint of piddle, I burn this place to the fucking ground.