All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 15 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.

Hello my beautiful angels, the loves of my life, the wind beneath my wings, sweeping under my arms and lifting them up and onto the keyboard so I may type these recaps. How are we all feeling? We are almost at the end of this marathon! The finish line is within sight. Our friends and family are cheering us on from the sidelines.

We have all shit ourselves and can feel it running down our legs, but we won’t stop now! We will keep churning on until we collapse on the other side of this race, and people wonder why we put ourselves through this kind of thing.

We are just one episode away from finding out who our precious Mattchelor is going to choose and take on an uncomfortable media tour/live happily ever after with. But before that: Tonight’s episode. I am in a very strange mood due to real-life events, feeling a combination of grief, sadness, and despair, but maybe that will all combine to make me appreciate love and all that love brings with it even more?

Probably not, but it’s impossible to say, so just let’s get into it!

Unrelated Reality TV Show Lecture

While I have you, just a reality-tv show sidestep: If you watched Survivor and are mad at Pia Miranda may I invite you to get a grip? Don’t watch Survivor if you want the nicest person who needs the money most to win! That isn’t the game! She won fair and square and did it well. Also: she’s a national treasure, star of one of the most iconic Australian movies of all time so she should be able to murder people if she wants. So shut up.

Okay, back to love and romance I guess.

I loved the start of this episode because it had Mattchelor talking about how there are three beautiful incredible women left yada yada yada, but it was over footage of him that looked to me like he was about to 127 hours himself

Then we went into a very very deliberate and extended shirt take-off scene and camera lingering, and you simply have got to love when this happens to men. Or at least I do, not really because it’s hot, but just because it’s happening to men instead of women. Which is sort of hot? I am horny for equality I guess?  I don’t know, it’s confusing for me. Anyway here’s what it was like:

NOTE: I just gave my co-recapper and editor Patrick Lenton a folder full of screenshots that were labelled “Shirtless” and left it in his hands to decide which of said screenshots he wanted to use. The following can, therefore, be used as some sort of Rorschach test that can be used to analyse Patrick.

Anyway, let’s get into the rest of the episode and see who is most annoying (everyone?), who is going to make it to the finale (Abbie and Chelsie), and who is going to suffer heartbreak at the last minute (Helena). Just like when the year after I left primary school, my school got to go on the show A*mazing and I didn’t get to, even though I would always look in the right places for the big keys!!

It’s not really like that at all, but I’m still bitter about it and I get to vent about whatever I want because it’s MY recap. And stop serving burgers on brioche!

Least Annoying

Abbie

That’s right, it’s me again. The Abbie lover. I’ve been on Team Abbie since day dot, and nothing has changed. She’s hot, she thinks Matt is hot, he thinks she is hot, and they are both extremely horny people who are horny for each other. It’s nice! Look, am I also horny? Maybe! But I am not one to think it’s “cool” to see “men” and “women” make out, because it’s unnatural!

I truly think she has way more going for her than that, though. They laugh so much together, he is a less boring version of himself with her, and she is legit so funny. At one point we came in on a conversation where Matt was explaining rockets or some shit to her, and she was like “that is actually exciting, I was fully prepared to fake excitement” and I laughed! She has made me laugh from saying jokes several times this season.

Team Abbie!!

Also, her hair went from relatively curly to later looking like this — and so I also believe her to be magic.

They like went on a small boat to a private beach where they made out in various positions.

Until Abbie straight up was like “I want to fuck you” and I LOVE and appreciate that honesty.

The Mattchelor has only been matched in horniness by Abbie, and I personally love how upfront she is. Get it, girl. I don’t think Abbie is going to win, but damn if she hasn’t been great television. Imagine if this season didn’t have Abbie. No thank you very much.

They then went onto a big fancy yacht thing and it turned to nighttime and it was very beautiful and Abbie told Matt that she loves him! It was cute and she dressed like the Opera House that was behind them.

No matter what happens tomorrow, Abbie is the MVP this season, and I’m going to follow her on Instagram.

Most Annoying

The Maths Date

Look, Chelsie seems lovely. She is nice. I wish good things for her. When they met on their date they were obviously happy to see each other, and they had a cute exchange and he almost locked his keys in a Porsche.

But they then went on their date which involved driving in a fast car and flying in a plane, and Matt kept telling her to remember certain numbers, which later turned into an equation he had her do.

Which unlocked a safe.

Which then had a gift.

Which was a necklace with the Oxytocin code or whatever, a callback the temporary tattoo she put on him when they met.

This is all very cute, and fine. What I find annoying, or at least a bit weird, is first of all that maths is homophobic. This is just a fact, do not ask me to expand or explain. If you know you know.

Secondly, it’s been like this the entire time with them. All they talk about, or Matt talks about in regards to her, is how nerdy they are and how smart they both are and how they have so much in common (being smart). On this date, he said romantic things to her like “you know how much we have in common” and “if I made a checklist, you’d tick them all”. I mean, wow. Poetry.

It is important to have the same interests, but like fucken just let the woman enjoy hanging out on a beach with you or something. You can love that she’s smart because obviously it’s great, but it almost feels like he’s AMAZED that a woman on the show might be smart, and he keeps harping on about it with her, which sort of tacitly implies the other women aren’t as smart?

I don’t know, I’m possibly (definitely) being cynical, it just rubs me the wrong way.

Also, maths is homophobic.

Never To Annoy Or Not Annoy Again

Helena

Duh. Bye, beautiful Helena. I will miss how you dress like Grandma Yetta.

I will also miss her voice, which I love, and the fact that at one point during this episode Matt said something romantic and she said “that’s nice” and then there was a pause and she had to explain that she really did think it was nice. As someone with a very monotone Daria-esque voice, I know what it’s like to sound sarcastic even when being sincere.

Anyway, Helena was doomed since the hometown visits and how she acted, and she didn’t seem interested in really talking Matt around or expressing herself in the way Matt wanted.

At one point she said “I don’t feel comfortable spilling all my emotions” and “I’m not one to be overly gushy or romantic” which I mean, same love, but you are on the television show The Bachelor, maybe you should have given it a second thought.

Anyway, no matter, she is gone, and now we are down to the final two! Two women enter, one woman leaves! With a ring! Or maybe a promise for a ring! Or some sort of half commitment!

Patrick will be taking you through the finale, so this is my final moment with you. I hope you’ve enjoyed this season and my unhinged bitter recaps, thanks for joining me, and sound off in the comments if you would like this to happen again.

I love you, will you marry me?

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Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch