How are you? Are you okay? I’m so glad. Me? Yeah, I’m fine.

Oh you know, there are a few things, I guess. The Prime Minister keeps saying weird shit, I have a bit of a sore knee and there are needles in the strawberries, but I’m mostly okay did you hear me I am mostly fine.

 

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was pretty boring, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!

Winners

Brooke (infinity points)

 I make the rules here, that’s why.

Cass (7 points)

I still have a sneaking suspicion that this whole thing will not end well for Cass, who is as vulnerable and hopeful as a baby bird, and as wanting and needing as a baby bird, and also as frail and beautiful as a baby bird.

Anyway, when it’s time for a single date, the expectations are low. “Cass and Em still HAVEN’T HAD ONE,” Britt says in a very pitying way, as if Cass and Em are Dickensian orphans who have wandered into the Bachelor mansion apartment looking for a vat of gruel in which to stick their wooden spoons.

Spoons down, ladies – it’s Cass! It’s almost too much for her.

Cass clenches her firsts and starts waving them in the air. Her hands start to shake and she is unable to speak properly. Everyone screams and smiles. Women crowd around Cass and hug her. It’s just like the end of The Mighty Ducks, except everyone is sort of losing.

Anyway, Cass is not insulted and is just excited. The Bachelor talks about Cass in a detached way that suggests he either doesn’t like her much or is giving some sort of statement in a court case, in which he is being sued by Cass. “I know Cass will be excited,” he says. “Cass and I have had numerous conversations.”

Ah, yeah, cool.

Honey Badger arrives to the house in a yellow party bus, the least sexual vehicle that has ever existed. I know this because, a) I felt as though all my eggs shriveled up just looking at this thing, and b) Honey Badger is aroused by large bodies of water, and this seems to be a land party bus.

Cass immediately comments on his body. Honey Badger suggests that on this date, they make it their priority to have “fun”. Cass agrees. “Sounds fun!” she says. They laugh madly.

Honey Badger reveals that they are going to, Wet’n’Wild. “Today’s date is about having fun,” he reminds her. The first ‘fun’ activity they do is being hoisted up on metal sticks. ‘Fun’ means something different at Wet’n’Wild.

Given this date is about ‘fun’ and saying, “No, I would rather not do that?” is the enemy of fun, Cass agrees to do it. Cass and Honey Badger are to be hoisted up on the metal stick and participate in a ride that is controlled by a single ripcord.

Immediately, from the moment they are hoisted into the air, everyone is upset and no one is pretending to have a good time. “Ah shit, you bastard!” Honey Badger says. “Ah, shit the bed!” Honey Badger says. “Ah, holy shit balls!” Honey Badger says. Honey Badger’s exclamations when scared are very revealing.

They both scream continuously and without pause. “You alright?” asks Honey Badger, between his relentless screams. “No!” says Cass. Neither am I!” he replies.

This is the worst thing I have ever seen on television and I sometimes watch Q&A.

It’s genuinely so awful – especially when Honey Badger tricks Cass into thinking that the ride is broken, a totally fine joke to make about Australian theme parks, don’t see any issues there. This date is like going out with a guy who makes you watch Donnie Darko and then wants to explain it to you.

Interestingly, when Honey Badger tricks Cass into thinking that the ride has malfunctioned, she becomes strangely zen. “If we die, at least we die together,” she says, soberly. Before Honey Badger can contemplate this ‘okay with tandem death’ attitude, his prank is revealed and they swing around the metal pole.

“Stick it up your arse, you asshole!” yells Honey Badger, in anus-related delight.

“I loved it!” lies Cass. As a reward for not succumbing to death, Cass and Honey Badger take their sculpted bodies to the water slides, where they flop on each other like two beautiful, sexless rag dolls.

They get in some suggestive poses, but it’s sort of accidental and innocent. It reminded me of this time when I was a kid and put on Grease for some family friends, and a girl my age was like, “They are having sex” when Rizzo and Kenickie were making out and rolling about in a car.

“They are fully clothed you imbecile,” I replied and felt very smug about how worldy I was and how easily scadalised she was – and then remembered that Rizzo does has a pregnancy scare later in the movie and it’s because she had unprotected sex in this same scene.

This is to say, maybe I don’t know anything.

They put their clothes back on and sit on a couch in the middle of a pool. It does not look warm. A cheese platter sits precariously on the edge of a coffee table, which has also been placed in a pool.

Cass said she had already developed strong feelings for Honey Badger. She says that he always avoids discussing how he feels about her. Honey Badger explains that he has difficulty “showing feelings and emotions” which, I don’t know, he seemed pretty okay with it when he said that he could see Brooke as his wife.

“You are a really nice girl,” says Honey Badger. It’s every girl’s nightmare.

Cass swallows her disappointment at the cop out, accepts her rose, kisses Honey Badger, everything is fine, please move along.

Losers

Shannon (5 points)

First of all, who are you. Second of all, if you think you can get away with saying, “Dasha is just some crazy Russian!” on television then I don’t know, good luck to you in the wars to come.

Dasha (4 points)

Dasha was triumphant in the group date, but it was the sort of triumph where you also end up losing in the end. Like maybe you were too good? Tbh I never win anything, I’m just trying to create pitfalls for success here.

Anyway, a woman named Emily set an obstacle course for the contestants, with the obstacles being their emotional weaknesses (and actual physical obstacles). Emily is a “transformation coach” who helps people break down their “barriers”.

Emily explains that the first and only way to break down your barriers is to carry a very heavy backpack, name the backpack after your ‘burden’ and then drag your burden backpack through mud, only then will you be Transformed and Good.

“Keep it relevant,” says Emily, in order to break down the barrier of her being bored.

Dasha’s burden is that she is a perfectionist, one of the more admirable burdens. The contestants must run across flat plains and walk through rivers. Emily tells them that this is what a relationship feels like. It makes me wonder things about Emily.

Emily praises Dasha throughout the group date. She congratulates her for not squealing when they had to walk in a river. She praises her for knowing why they had to carry weights in pairs across a field (barriers).

At the end of the task, the mud-covered women sit around the fire and talk about barriers some more. “I’m not a perfectionist now!” announces Dasha. Everyone looks at her, dead-eyed. It’s like the start of Saving Private Ryan, but no-one gets to lie down.

Honey Badger explains that he now knows that his barrier is “asking women for help” (welp) and Emily sends him on a single date with Dasha. It starts promisingly enough. “Cheers to getting wet!” he says. “And dirty!” says Dasha, joining in on the joke.

“BLOODY WHAT!!!!” says Honey Badger.

Honey Badger explains to Dasha that it was nice to see the women without pretty dresses and make-up which, hm okay. Dasha agrees. Neither of them can think of what to talk about after that.

Honey Badger goes to sip his drink and then Dasha makes a slurping noise as if imitating Honey Badger sipping a drink, except that he is sipping silently, so it just sounds like she is imitating a malfunctioning vacuum cleaner.

Seeya!

Jamie Lee. Sorry you broke your foot or something.

Until next week!