Please Enjoy All The Times The Pointy ARIA Award Nearly Impaled People
On the plus side, they've also been used to shuck oysters.
One of the prevailing images of Australia overseas is that we are a country of danger: one of ferocious fauna, fuck-off spiders and an unforgivable, harsh landscape.
And maybe they have a point: looking at our pointy ARIA Awards — essentially an impaling device — it’s clear that the Australian psyche is one which flirts with death. Which invites many, many questions, but the most pointed of them was posed by Zan Rowe on Twitter last night: has anyone ever injured themselves on their ARIA award?
Every time I see a musician holding an ARIA I think "HOW HAS NO ONE EVER INJURED THEMSELVES WITH AN ARIA?"
Related: has anyone ever injured themselves with an @ARIA_Official Award?
— Zan Rowe (@zanrowe) November 3, 2018
Think about it: those silver pyramids are scary pointy. Add into that a few celebratory champagnes at the awards, and you’ve got a recipe for one memorable piercing. And as the replies poured in from Australia’s music industry, it was clear that to win an ARIA can be a bit of a bloodbath.
Most famously, in 2016, one of Northlane’s ARIAs was behind their manager Julian Marshall’s trip to the hospital: while he was transporting their awards, one fell and pierced his foot.
He pierced a hole in his foot with one. It was gnarly.
— Michael Hartt 👐🏻 (@whatamindblast) November 3, 2018
Elsewhere, the award’s been at the centre of many near-disasters: unconfirmed rumours abound about several incidents with Tex Perkins back in the day, while Grinspoon’s Phil Jamieson confirms he’s come “very very very very close” to a Hot Fuzz-style death.
And, much like any instrument the camera focuses on in a Final Destination film, the ARIA award has proven to be a ominous potential source for destruction, waiting patiently on shelves and mantle pieces. Montaigne’s ARIA has almost destroyed her friends, including one of Junkee’s own writers. In defence, Montaigne pleads the fifth.
This is a very incriminating tweet and I have the right to remain silent
— Montaigne (@actualmontaigne) November 4, 2018
Perhaps the award’s chaotic energy can be harnessed for good. Then again, the temptation for evil is too strong. With great award-recognised power comes great responsibility.
It WILL one day be used as a murder weapon.
— Shaun Thomas Cowe (@shauncowe) November 3, 2018