How To Deal With Your Anti-Vax Relative Over Christmas
What to say, how to act, and when to just walk away.
Christmas is just around the corner and while rising COVID case numbers are making this holiday season feel eerily similar to the last, there’s a new complication people are having to take into consideration when making plans with family: anti-vax relatives.
Since last Christmas, COVID vaccines have been approved and distributed across the country — and while this has meant most of our loved ones have now been jabbed with the good stuff, it also means some of us have been left shocked, surprised, and frustrated by people’s decisions not to protect themselves against the virus. And while it’s one thing to watch these people sound off on Facebook, it’s another to be expected to sit across from them at Christmas lunch, as if everything is fine and normal.
So, we spoke to Mary Spillane, Clinical Psychologist and Headspace App Mental Health Expert for Australia, about the best way to deal with an anti-vax relative this holiday season.
First, Make A Decision About Whether You Feel Safe Attending An Event With Unvaccinated People
COVID case numbers are rising and it’s absolutely fine if that concerns you a little or, you know, quite a lot. In some states, hospitals are being placed on ‘red alert’ thanks to the Omicron variant. So, if an unvaccinated relative is leaving you rethinking your Christmas plans, please know you’re not alone — and you’re not overreacting.
“If you feel like you don’t want to attend a family gathering because there will be people who aren’t vaccinated there, you can absolutely say you don’t want to go,” Spillane told Junkee. “That’s a very reasonable thing to say.”
If opting out of a Christmas gathering completely doesn’t feel right to you, consider other things that will make you feel more comfortable around an unvaccinated person. At this point in the pandemic, it’s fair to ask that everyone take an at-home rapid antigen test before arriving at a family event. Moving your Christmas gathering outdoors is another expert-recommended way to help lower the risk of transmission, as is limiting the number of people invited.
Set Boundaries And Remember That It’s OK If People Don’t Like Them
According to Spillane, it’s not uncommon for people to react badly to boundaries being set with them, which is generally why someone may feel they need to set them in the first place. If you only feel comfortable attending an event that’s held outdoors or only want to attend the event for a certain amount of time, prepare yourself for the fact that others in your family might not understand your decision, but know those reactions don’t make your choice any less valid.
“I see setting a boundary as the ultimate act of self-care.”
“I see setting a boundary as the ultimate act of self-care,” said Spillane. “Always keep in mind that when you do set a boundary, it’s about looking after your own wellbeing and health. It’s possible — and actually highly likely — that the person you’re setting the boundary with won’t like it, but that doesn’t mean you’ve done the wrong thing.”
As to the act of setting boundaries, Spillane suggests being open and honest when communicating your needs. “You might want to say something like, ‘I know Cousin John is going to be at lunch. I find it really hard to be around him at the moment and it’s making me feel stressed. So, I’m just going to pop in for a while, then I’m going to go’. If you’re kind and communicate in a gentle way — that’s the best approach.”
When Talking To An Anti-Vax Relative, Know That You’re (Probably) Not Going To Be Able To Change Their Mind
“If you decide to go to an event where there will be people who are vaccine-hesitant, you really only get two options,” said Spillane. “You can avoid the subject and focus on conversations that will help you actually feel connected to this person or you can absolutely go in and have the conversation, if you want to, but it’s important for people to realise they’re probably not going to change someone’s mind.”
“In terms of diffusing a situation, it’s best to validate your relative’s emotions, but not the facts they present.”
There are a whole host of different reasons people have chosen to go against the advice of global health experts and, if they’ve gone this long without rethinking their decision, it’s unlikely you’re going to be the thing that sways them. It’s also worth considering your relationship to this person before even trying to broach the subject. For example, trying to convince a parent or close relative who comes to you for advice in other situations is going to be very different to trying to convince an aunt you see every couple of years. Most of the time, these conversations won’t have the outcome you might hope for.
If your relative tries to bring up vaccines — and your choice to be vaccinated against COVID — Spillane suggests shutting it down firmly but politely. “In terms of diffusing a situation, it’s best to validate your relative’s emotions, but not the facts they present,” she said. “You could say something like ‘I understand that you’ve chosen not to have the vaccine and feel strongly about that. Likewise, I’ve chosen to have the vaccine for my own specific reasons. So, I don’t think it’s helpful to get into a conversation about it today.'”
Consider How You Can Mentally — And Physically — Prepare For The Event
Spending Christmas with family can be stressful for many reasons, even without an anti-vax relative thrown in the mix. So, it’s important to think about how you can get yourself in the right headspace before and during your event. Little things like getting enough sleep the night before and meditating can help you feel calm and present going into a potentially stressful conversation.
At lunch, you might want to limit alcohol if you’re worried about overreacting to something your anti-vax relative says or does and sit near someone you feel close to. And remember that sometimes, stepping away from a situation for a few minutes is the best thing you can do.
Gyan Yankovich is Managing Editor at Junkee Media. You can find her on Twitter and Instagram.