Culture

18 Headlines About Likely Peter Dutton Mishaps That We Can Look Forward To In 2016

Watching a human being with immense power steadily implode under the weight of their own screw-ups has never been so enjoyable.

peter dutton

Immigration Minister Peter Dutton has made headlines for all the wrong reasons again today, after News Corp journalist Samantha Maiden revealed he’d mistakenly sent her a text message, intended for someone else, that described her as “a mad fucking witch”.

As has already been pointed out elsewhere, Dutton’s seeming inability to work a phone is much less concerning than his apparent attitude towards women. Former Speaker Peter Slipper resigned from his position in 2012 after sending misogynistic text messages to a friend; given the-then Liberal Opposition demanded Slipper be sacked, it’s difficult to see why the same standard shouldn’t apply here.

Nor is this the first time Dutton’s displayed some questionable attitudes towards women. He and Ray Hadley came under fire in June over a parody song lampooning Greens Senator Sarah Hanson-Young, who also took exception to being spied on by Immigration Department contractors during a visit to Nauru. Dutton called Hanson-Young’s claims “complete nonsense” only days before his own Department confirmed they were true. Not to mention the horrendous ongoing treatment pregnant asylum seeker Abyan has endured at the hands of Dutton’s Immigration Department as she was repeatedly denied access to an abortion.

All that said, watching Peter Dutton fail miserably at basic functions of modern existence is rapidly becoming a treasured national pastime.

In that spirit, we’ve cobbled together some likely headlines involving Peter Dutton that we can presumably look forward to this year. Watching a human being with immense power steadily implode under the weight of their own screw-ups has never been so enjoyable.

Peter Dutton Narrowly Avoids Injury After Crashing Hot Air Balloon Into Local Red Rooster

Peter Dutton Misses Question Time; Found In Office Tangled In Headphones For iPod Mini

Taxpayer Fury As Peter Dutton Spends $48,000 On “Really Neat” Magic Beans

Peter Dutton Calls In Sick For Work After Cutting Corners Of Mouth On “Especially Difficult” Zooper Dooper

Peter Dutton Makes Formal Complaint After Stubbing Toe In McDonald’s Carpark And Dropping Happy Meal

Peter Dutton Left In Amusement Park Overnight After Seatbelt Malfunction On Dodgem Cars

Peter Dutton Owns Up To The Piles Of Cheese Stringer Wrappers Found In Parliament House Bathrooms

Peter Dutton Excused From Work After Getting His Thumb Caught In Coke Can

New Laws Target “Anti-Social Behaviour” As Gang Of Rowdy Teens Flick Peter Dutton With Their School Ties

Peter Dutton Harms Eyesight After Taking Dozens Of “Selfies” With Office Photocopier

Peter Dutton Rushed To Emergency Room After Eating Paste

Embarrassment For Government As Peter Dutton Reveals Confidential Cabinet Discussions While Talking On Phone In Movie Theatre

Peter Dutton Found Eating Frozen Meatballs Straight From The Bag After Being Lost All Day In Ikea

Popular Star Wars Action Figure Recalled From Shelves As Miniature Lightsaber Found Lodged In Peter Dutton’s Windpipe

“We’re Doing Everything We Can”: Rescue Operation Underway As Peter Dutton Falls Down Well

Christmas Eve Hospital Records Find Peter Dutton Admitted To Emergency After Eating Too Much Fruit Cake

Disaster Narrowly Averted As Peter Dutton Floats Down River In Bassinet

BREAKING: Peter Dutton Caught In Shrub

Peter Dutton Offers “Unreserved Apology” To Asylum Seekers; Orders Detention Centres Shut Down

Just kidding! That last one will never happen.