The Bachelorette Finale Recap: THE REVENGE CIRCLE IS COMPLETE

The fucking Daily Mail. They did it again.

If you’re a sucker like me, then you may have found out yesterday afternoon who won The Bachelorette. I mean, it’s pretty annoying. After spending months in hiding, Sam and Sash were caught on camera just two hours before the show. There were no spoiler warnings on the piece and the pictures — which may be in breach of Press Council privacy principles — were posted straight to Facebook. Though Channel Ten’s now won a court injunction against the publication and the article’s been deleted, it spoiled the final outcome for thousands of fans.

But hey, give The Daily Mail a break, okay? Without them, we would have never gotten this hard-hitting story:

Anyway, the finale!

Osher welcomes us to the majestic coast of Auckland, New Zealand — a tiny He-Man figurine perched on the enormous cliff of uncertainty — and his relentless adjectives wash over us like the spray from the crashing waves. I wonder how much Tourism New Zealand paid for this spot. I look at the leftovers I’m about to eat for dinner. I feel bad about my life choices.

Sam has decided that today is the day she’s putting her pain behind her, and we’re treated to more scenic shots of the North Island and some very suggestive spurting geysers. Ah, New Zealand. The birthplace of the one ring to rule them all!

The boys make their way to the airport, which is pretty uneventful except for the fact that Michael is wearing fingerless gloves inside and I don’t know, it’s like he got the idea from reading a manual called Mimicking Human Behaviour. Sasha nervously admits that he wants to “be the one standing at the end”. Not even the last man standing with Sam, but just the literal last person able to stand. Woah, this show has more dire consequences than I thought. No wonder Sam is in so much pain.

Sam’s family have come to New Zealand to vet her potential new squeeze and Sam decides that she’s not really happy with the way things are going. You see, both Sasha and Michael have said they’re falling in love with her, but neither have said that they are in love with her. This will not do. Sam cannot live out her revenge fantasy until every last person on this show has told her that they love her. Even Osher.

To help her along with this, Sam’s siblings are the most intentionally cold and intimidating people on the face of the Earth. Sam’s sister Chris isn’t just seeking to intimidate the contestants either; she pretty much tells Sam, “I’m sick of picking up the pieces, can you just pick a fucking guy already”. The siblings take turns in discussing how they were “fooled” last year and the various ways in which Sam was humiliated. It’s so nice to be reminded of these things, hey.

Michael is up first and is very keen to make a “three-way connection” with Sam’s family (i.e. pretend to be a living human for the duration of their lunch). Chris hates him immediately:

“You say all the right things,” she says, barely moving her facial muscles.

“Oh, yeah?” Michael says, hopefully.

“BLAKE SAID ALL THE RIGHT THINGS TOO.”

Everyone in this family is obsessed with Blake. Chris bangs on and on about how they all “had egg on [their] face” after Sam was dumped last year, as if the whole family had been collectively shamed by their twentysomething sister’s inability to hold down a reality TV fiancé. I’m not sure what Chris’ end game is, unless it’s to make everyone she encounters feel pretty upset — if that’s the case, well done Dementor Queen.

Big Sash rolls in and he is NERVOUS. You can tell that he wishes he hadn’t worn grey marle. Sash barely has time to sit down before Chris says accusingly, “DID YOU GO ON THE SHOW FOR LOVE OR A PROFILE??” What the fuck! Sasha is bewildered by the question. “I don’t even have a profile on Facebook!” he says. “I’m just a builder!” Oh, okay. Well if he doesn’t even have a profile on Facebook, he sounds like the kind of guy who can be trusted for everything (except remembering birthdays).

Chris fires off a few more questions while Sam looks on happily. “I just love the fact that he kept saying, ‘I don’t know’,” she says.

Chris takes Sasha to a velvet couch and tells him in no uncertain terms, that he needs to tell Sam he loves her, regardless of whether he actually loves her or not. You see, lying is the secret to all successful relationships. Then Sasha tells her he feels funny about “undermining” the word “love” because he says it to his mum. This confuses Chris long enough that she lets him leave. Later on she says to Sam, “Neither of these boys love you, like Blake. Like last year, when Blake didn’t love you. Remember that? That’s what’s happening. But with two Blakes. Remember Blake”.

Woah Regina George, tells us how you really feel.

It’s time for Michael’s date!

“Today I’m planning on forcing Michael to tell me he loves me,” Sam says cheerfully. Because Sam likes her dates to come with a small threat of death, they are going rafting down a dangerous, rocky river. “Sam is in her element!” Michael says. They are thrown around like rag dolls in the disgusting, humid-looking water and for some inexplicable reason Sam stands up sand says, “BOOM CHAKA LAKA!” in celebration of their survival. “Risking our lives together has made us a lot closer,” Sam says as they kiss and cuddle.

Pretty easy when you’re king of the undead, hey Michael?

As they sit in a totally relaxing, definitely not sticky and gross thermal hot spring in the rain, Michael remembers that he has a deadline and says, “Sam Frost, I love you”, in a casual way.  She says “thanks!” Then she kisses him with her eyes open. Their wine glasses continue to sweat. Michael wonders how much a property out here could go for in the current market.

Hey, it’s Sasha’s turn!

Sash knows that not being loved is Sam’s greatest fear, but tbh his greatest fear is heights and she seems to push him out of planes every chance she gets. After another unnecessary trip in a tiny place, they go sailing and Sam says, “I’ve seen this on Dawson’s Creek!” — something that immediately endears her to me, you, and all of the world. Sash decides he just needs to let go a little bit, so then proceeds to tell Sam that he is kept up at night thinking about “what [their] kids would look like”. WOAHHHHHHHHH! This wasn’t on Dawson’s Creek!

Back on dry land, Sasha reminds Sam that she used to find him so attractive she couldn’t look him in the eye; something she has absolutely no problems doing now. Poor Sash :( Sensing that it’s now or never, Sasha tells her that he doesn’t care about undermining the word anymore: “Umm, I love you,” he says. “Really?” Sam says, mentally adding his name to the list. “Yep,” he says. She starts to Sailor Moon cry and they continue to whisper, “really?” and “yeah” to each other for a little while. This is like Dawson’s Creek — if everyone was Dawson.

In the morning, Sam either does tae bo on the beach, or is just a very elegant sleepwalker. Sasha decides that at the end of the day he loves Sam, but hey, Michael is a great guy too. Who knows what will happen by the end of tomorrow’s day? Michael levitates from his coffin and says that he’s finding the day confronting. “The stakes are high,” he says.

I cannot believe he is leaving us so many clues.

Sam puts on a wedding dress to save time, and waits next to a tree for her male suitors. She feels like she already has her happy ending: they’ve both fallen in love with her! THE REVENGE CIRCLE IS COMPLETE. The Bachelorette and The Ring have a lot in common that way.

Of course Michael is the loser, but he does seem genuinely shocked when he realises. Sam tells him he has a beautiful soul and then starts making a noise like she’s coughing up hairballs. Michael whispers condolences to her and says, “I’d rather see me hurt than you”. Well, at least they agree on something. Michael starts up the unnecessarily long and steep hill back to the car where he meets Gandalf the Grey, who presents his staff and bellows “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

You know who can fucking pass all he wants, all night long? Sasha, that’s who.

Sam feels sooooo relieved that she has found someone to love. URGH, what a relief! She’s met the deadline and thus won’t be boiled alive in New Zealand’s largest volcano: a fate exclusively reserved for single people who defy our traditional expectations of happiness and personal success. Sasha and Osher have a tense conversation and Sasha tells Osh that he loves Sam. Both men nod a knowing nod; the kind of nod that only two men who have been driven to the brink of insanity trying to find jackets that fit their shoulders can truly understand.

Sasha approaches Sam, who continues to make strange noises, but through the gulps he ascertains that he is the one true king. “I’ve been waiting for you my whole life,” Sam says. Since birth, she’s been waiting! Sash is like, “Yeah, same”. At the end of the day, love wins again.

So what does The Daily Mail have to say about all this? Well, they’re very keen on emphasising that Sam and Sasha have been having sex “up to six times a day” to make up for lost time.

–

–

–

Sinead Stubbins is a writer from Melbourne who has done stuff for Yen, frankie, Smith Journal and Elle. She tweets from @sineadstubbins.