Ranking 2023’s Celebrity Apologies From Bad To Ashton Kutcher
Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and bad celebrity apologies. Junkee writer Ky Stewart reflects on 2023’s worst offenders.
2023 has been a big year for celebrities being called out for doing dodgy shit and then apologising for it. Sometimes, the apology fits the bill and we all get to move on. But most of the time, it does absolutely nothing to address the (oftentimes serious) harm inflicted on others and just makes everything worse.
I know we aren’t even at the end of the year, but somehow it feels like we’ve had enough cringe-inducing celebrity apologies to last a lifetime. I’m not sure we’ve reached the level of Dramageddon 1.0 and 2.0 (which gave us an absolute feast of YouTuber apology videos, circa 2018 to 2019) but we must be close because I have a strong urge to rank these apologies from the routinely bad to the much, much worse.
The key takeaway? Never post a video apology. Just don’t do it.
— Content Warning: This article discusses sexual harassment, sexual assault, and workplace bullying. —
7. The Drew Barrymore Writers Strike Apology
Drew Barrymore angered fans, the internet, and close to the entire film industry after she announced her talk show would resume production on its fourth season without its striking writers, leading many to call her a “scab”. After a long week of online turmoil, Drew made a sit-down video apology, which I read as: ‘I’m sorry you’re upset, but I’m not changing what I’m doing’.
Drew Barrymore apologizes for bringing back her talk show during the writers’ strike and explains why she is doing it:
“We aren’t gonna break rules and we will be in compliance. I wanted to do this because, as I said, this is bigger than me and there are other people’s jobs on… pic.twitter.com/Mqb4chyKzp
— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) September 15, 2023
Drew clearly went to the school of YouTuber apologies with this one, reading from an off-camera script in a humble-looking room and almost crying at a few points. Then she basically compares striking for fair pay to the pandemic and suggests that she couldn’t let either stop her from bringing her show to the people. Doesn’t sound like much of an apology, Drew!
A day later, the apology video was deleted. Eep.
In Drew’s defence, she did end up pausing the show’s return (announced via an Instagram statement) — but that whole apology shitshow didn’t need to happen. See, once you make a video, it tarnishes everything.
6. The Qantas Apology For Ripping Off Customers And Illegally Firing Staff
Fine, Qantas is not a famous person, but let’s be real: Qantas is the mega celebrity of Australian air travel, and I couldn’t pass up throwing shade their way given their recent shenanigans. (Plus, it’s my list so I’ll put whatever I want on it. I make the rules, okay?) Yep, the airline made some truly terrible apologies after facing accusations of ripping off customers and getting rid of employees during COVID. Yeah, not good.
What did Qantas say in response to all of this? Basically a whole bunch of nothing that achieves very little. Classic!
In response to the High Court ruling over how it treated staff during the pandemic, Qantas said in a statement, “We deeply regret the personal impact the outsourcing decision had on all those affected and we sincerely apologise for that.” Although it did say that per the High Court ruling, they won’t be forced to reinstate the workers.
If Qantas deeply regretted it, then why’d they do it? Oh right, ’cause it would have saved the company an estimated $100 million a year in operating costs and $80 million of investment in equipment for five years. Oh, and it would have allowed Qantas to avoid any strikes by unionised workers. Profit is the name of the game, how silly of me to forget.
Well, with every apology comes accountability, so there are sure to be consequences for this kind of action, right? Wrong. Qantas made a record $2.47 billion profit because of surging prices for international travel.
5. The Amy Schumer Apology To Nicole Kidman
Now strap yourself in because this one is just plain messy.
Comedian Amy Schumer posted a now-deleted photo of Nicole Kidman watching the women’s US Open final with the comment “This how human sit”. She was making fun of how Nicole was sitting for some reason..? It was a weird joke and not necessarily hilarious but the internet took it as cyberbullying (which it isn’t; it’s just mean). The real issue, however, lies in Amy’s apology.
Instead of just saying sorry for appearing to “cyberbully” Nicole, Amy, for some God forsaken reason, made a mock apology joking about Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher supporting a convicted rapist (we will get into that later).
Amy said, “I want to apologise to all the people I hurt posting a photo of Nicole Kidman and alluding to her being an alien,” doubling down on making fun of Nicole. Then she added, “I will be asking the cast of That ‘70s Show to write letters advocating for my forgiveness #takingtimetoheal.”
Yucky! I think it’s gross to conflate the two situations, given that one involves actual victims of violence. But maybe Amy’s humour just isn’t for me.
4. The Jimmy Fallon Toxic Workplace Apology
Jimmy Fallon, host of The Tonight Show, apologised to his staff after a Rolling Stone investigation alleged he had created a “toxic workplace” for years and “berated” employees.
Following the report, Fallon held an all-hands Zoom to apologise for the behaviour, reportedly saying, “It’s embarrassing and I feel so bad. Sorry if I embarrassed you and your family and friends.” Then he apparently added, “I feel so bad I can’t even tell you,” which sounds like a school boy who has gotten in trouble. In my opinion, saying “I feel so bad” when apologising is a real no no. Even if you don’t mean to, it’s always going to feel like you’re trying to create sympathy for yourself and make the other person feel bad so they say “It’s okay”.
If you’re going to go down this route, you might as well deliver the full tantrum-style apology, like these TikTok guys crying and screaming after they got caught cheating on their partners.
3. The Lizzo And Her Dance Captain Backup Dancer Apology
When Lizzo and her dance captain Shirlene Quigley were hit with a lawsuit by three former back up dancers alleging sexual, religious, and racial harassment, disability discrimination, and false imprisonment, it rocked the world. After a few days of discourse, they responded. And, honestly, it might have been better if they hadn’t.
Opting for a classic Notes-app apology statement (no video here, thankfully) Lizzo said that she doesn’t want to be looked at “as a victim, but I also know I’m not the villain”. Ah yes, the old ‘I’m not the bad guy’ trick. Lizzo then passive aggressively scolded her former backup dancers, saying they “already publicly admitted that they were told their behaviour on tour was inappropriate and unprofessional”.
Not great. And yet, that still wasn’t the worst way to respond to allegations that you’ve been harassing your dancers. No, that award goes to Shirlene Quigley for posting a video about how God is good. Again with the bad video apology!
2. The Colleen Ballinger Child Grooming Allegations ‘Apology’
I’m not sure who told Colleen it was a good idea to respond to allegations of child grooming and inappropriate relationships with underage fans with a creepy, altogether bizarre video of her singing a song on the ukulele. Like babe, that doesn’t help your case at all.
To be fair, the video is not really an apology (again, this is MY list, not yours), though she does admit she “made mistakes”. Close enough. Still, if I was facing such serious allegations, the literal last thing I’d think is: ‘This situation calls for a 10-minute ukulele song about how the toxic gossip train is after me. That’ll get people on my side’. The whole thing is weird and I felt extremely icky watching it. YouTubers, they never learn.
1. The Mila Kunis And Ashton Kutcher Danny Masterson Support Letter Apology
In what is probably the most vile apology of the year, an inconvenienced-looking Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher posted a video on Instagram after their letters of support for convicted rapist and friend Danny Masterson were made public. In the video, the pair say they are sorry for the “pain they may have caused” with the letters.
View this post on Instagram
Ashton then said that the letters “were intended for the judge to read and not to undermine the testimony of the victims”. That kind of makes it sound like you’re just sorry that the letters were made public, not that you wrote them..?
This video has all the hallmarks of a classic YouTuber apology. Humble background? Tick. Messy hair and unkempt look? Tick. Red eyes to give the illusion of crying? Tick. Reading a script? Tick. It’s all there folks!
All that was missing was a ukulele.
Ky is a proud Kamilaroi and Dharug person and writer at Junkee. Follow them on Instagram or on X.
Image credit: Instagram / YouTube