Health

Who Pooped In Bill Gates’ Jar?

Bill Gates and his poop jar.

Oh sure, if Bill Gates brings a jar of poop to work everyone loves it, but if I bring a jar of poop to work I get pulled aside and lectured on proper office conduct.

Yesterday, Bill Gates, poop enthusiast and co-founder of Microsoft, took the stage in Beijing brandishing a jar of human faeces. The billionaire philanthropist was in Beijing for the Reinvented Toilet Expo, a veritable wonderland of toilet technology, and was making a point about the need for safe, affordable sanitation.

“You might guess what’s in this beaker – and you’d be right,” Gates said in his prepared speech, which was later posted to his blog. “Human feces.”

“In places without safe sanitation, there is much more than one small beaker’s worth [of human faeces] in the environment. These and other pathogens cause diseases like diarrhea, cholera and typhoid that kill nearly 500,000 children under the age of five every year.”

Gates is no stranger to faecal matter, making the news for drinking a glass of water made from poop in 2015. Since leaving the everyday operation of Microsoft over a decade ago, Gates has turned a significant portion of his attention to philanthropy and the problem of sanitation.

Particularly in less wealthy countries, many people do not have comprehensive sewer systems, waste treatment facilities, or even flushing toilets, putting them at high risk of disease and death. The Reinvented Toilet Expo puts technology designed to solve these problems on display.

“This expo showcases, for the first time, radically new and pilot-tested approaches to sanitation that will provide effective alternatives for collecting, managing, and treating human waste,” Gates said. “The technologies you’ll see here are the most significant advances in sanitation in nearly 200 years.”

Gates is undoubtedly working toward a noble goal, and I sincerely hope he manages to change the world.

But also, everyone knows what poop looks like. Nobody needed a visual aid.

This isn’t the first time Gates has brought a big jar of no thank you to a presentation. In 2009, he brought a jar of mosquitoes to his TED Talk about malaria. He then proceeded to unleash these worst of insects upon the unsuspecting crowd, operating under the deeply mistaken belief that this was fine because the mosquitoes weren’t infected.

Though Gates’ poop jar remained mercifully sealed, its mere presence unleashed instead an uncomfortable yet unavoidable question: Whose poop was it?

Bill Gates' jar of poop.

The disgusting butt monster appears to consist of at least two different textures, with sizeable dark brown logs atop a more liquid base of a lighter hue. It’s thus likely the poop was collected over at least two sessions, and possible it came from multiple donors.

I’m going to assume that it all came from one person defecating twice. The process by which two people’s poops would end up in one jar is too horrifying to contemplate, and the concept of one human holding all that faeces inside them at once isn’t much better.

I therefore personally believe the sample came from Mr William Henry Gates III himself. If you’re going to brandish a jar of human poo on stage in front of a crowd of people, it doesn’t make much sense that providing the droppings yourself is where you’d draw the line. It’s the simplest solution, and enables him to easily add to his collection whenever he wishes.

However, it must also be brought into consideration that Gates is a billionaire with a net worth of $USD96.2 billion. It’s reasonable to assume that billionaires don’t poop in jars, given the choice.

So is it possible that Gates commanded one of his underlings to defecate in the container? Or maybe even multiple underlings? Was there an office poop jar? Because let’s be real – if Bill Gates said he needed you to poop in a jar for the good of mankind, you’d have a hard time saying no.

In any case, I hope the owner of the liquidy defecation at the bottom of that jar gets better soon.