What Does James Franco Think Of Man Of Steel?

It's the question on everybody's lips.

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James Franco’s really turning this Vice reviewing racket into a time-consuming side career. Not too long ago, he offered some opinions on the Legend Of Zelda series and other video games from his youth. More recently, he told the world to shut their dumb mouths about Gatsby because “Luhrmann made it work, and that’s all that matters.”

Yesterday, Franco The Cultural Critic, once again removed his mighty pen from behind his mighty ear, and scribbled down his thoughts on Zack Snyder’s upcoming Man Of Steel. Oh, let us count the learnings…

1. It takes a while to get going (the review, not the movie)

“Last week I was asked to attend the London premiere of Man of Steel, so after working on my forthcoming little thriller at Pinewood studios, I went over to Leicester Square to see the latest filmic take on the superhero.”

You were “asked to attend”? What are you, in superhero prison, Franco? “After working on my forthcoming little thriller at Pinewood Studios…”? Oh what, because you make movies, your opinion is more worthy or somethin’? Geez, shut the f**k up, Franco, nobody asked you how your day went, anyway.

2. Me, me, me, my, my, my

“Many things went through my head, both subjective and objective, or rather as a person on the inside of the film business and as an indiscriminate viewer of the film. I too have been in comic-book films…”

You think you’re better than me, Franco? “I too have been in comic-book films…” Man, you are ridiculous.

3. My, my, my, me, me, me 

“I was also at Leicester Square earlier this year for the premiere of my film Oz, when the red carpet was a yellow brick road, but the night I saw the new Superman, I arrived incognito: 1) because it wasn’t my film, and 2) because I don’t think Henry Cavill would have wanted to see me there. Not that we’re enemies. Years ago we worked on a film together called Tristan and Isolde. I played Tristan and he played my backstabbing sidekick. My hunch is that he didn’t like me very much. I don’t know this for certain, but I know that I wouldn’t have liked myself back then because I was a difficult young actor who took himself too seriously.”

Yo Franco, what the f**k is the matter with you? Are you reviewing the new Superman movie for Vice or are you writing in your teenage diary? Nobody cares about your boyfriend-guilt. Tell me about Superman, for chris’sakes!

4. Henry Cavill (the actor who plays Superman) is a loser

“What Henry took seriously back then was Superman. He wanted to be Superman more than anything in the world. Personally, I’m not sure why. I missed the whole Superman-film phenomenon. I was more a fan of director Richard Donner’s Goonies and Lethal Weapon. I can understand the appeal the original Superman comics had for the WWII generation and its need for a hero to rid the world of evil, but in my days as a young man, this appeal was long outstripped by the cheesiness of the character’s suit and his douchey invincibility.”

Oooh, you were such a smart child, Franco, you hated Superman but loved The Goonies, that racist pile of kid’s underpants. “Douchey invincibility” is pretty funny, though; good call!


5. More condescension 

“The night of the premiere I saw Henry from afar on the red carpet and knew this was the moment his whole life had been building toward. His dream had come true, and I was happy for him. It was the role he would have killed to do…”

Hey Franco, you are being a real asshole, you know? Leave Henry alone.

6. Something that means absolutely nothing

“So, what did we watch? A great film. But what makes me say this? Is it the nerd revolution that has brought our public taste to the point where comic-book characters and video games are now cool? Are these huge comic-book films the way for the world at large to embrace the subjects of these forms that are traditionally relegated to the nerd niche? Yes, in a way.”

Franco, this is the worst review I have ever read.

7. Obvious metaphors 

“In this way Superman is presented as a kind of Christ figure, given to Earth to save humanity. (A parallel that has been made many times before, I’m sure. Jesus Christ Superstar, anyone?) But sadly this Christ doesn’t teach any fishermen how to fish.”

Pfft, imagine Superman teaching people how to fish! Whatta waste of time! He could give you a fish today that he caught tomorrow! Quit wasting our time, Franco.

8. The laziest conclusion ever

“We love these movies because they’re so big, and damn, they’re all that we have. They aren’t going away, so we just have to keep hoping that they are, at the very least, well made.”

So, in conclusion, we learnt absolutely nothing. I’m starting to think Franco doesn’t actually write these; once the credits roll, he sits in the cinema foyer for a minute or two, rants some unrealised nonsense into his mobile phone, and some monkey on the other end of the line types it up. Keep ’em coming though, they’re pretty entertaining.