There’s a reason Coachella is on so many people’s bucket list.

When you haven’t actually been to the festival, it’s easy to imagine that each celebrity Instagram post speaks the truth — that models are as commonplace as palm trees, every meal (most likely served on a stick or covered in rainbow sprinkles) will be as delicious as it is photogenic, and that every act you see will surprise you by bringing an even better act on stage with them. It’s easy to imagine the festival as a kind of Californian oasis that will most definitely change your life forever.

In reality, Coachella is a damn good time, sure, but if you place the festival under a microscope I assure you that you will see that Australians are blessed with an even better festival: Splendour in the Grass. If you’re lucky to enough to have been to both festivals, as I have, it’s not hard to see all the reasons why Splendour beats Coachella any day. And if you haven’t? Well, here’s a brief summary for you.

---

You Can Sink A Tinnie While You Watch Your Favourite Band

A question for you: Is a festival really a festival if you can’t carry a cold one in each hand while zig-zagging your way to the front of a crowd?

Can it really be considered a true music festival if you can’t elect one of your mates to head for the bar, so they can re-appear an hour later with as many drinks as they can carry? Consider your answer seriously, because neither of these things can happen at Coachella.

The space in front of every Coachella stage is a strictly water-only space. It’s shocking, I know. If you want a drink of the non-clear, non-flavourless variety, you need to get yourself to an ID-checking booth, and then to a line for bar, which is where you need to start and finish your drink.

Nobody Walks Away With CamelBak Tan Lines

For all the fashion round-ups and trend reports that are published the literal second the gates of Coachella Weekend 1 open, it’s wild that there’s no mention of the CamelBak, because those things are everywhere.

While the practicality of the water bottle backpack is obvious, the fact that the American species of festival dudebros generally opt for one instead of a shirt is still confusing as hell.

Mud Really Sucks, But Dust Honestly Feels Like It Could Kill You

If you can’t already tell, I am no stranger to voicing my complaints — and man have I complained about the mud at Splendour a lot. But the thing about mud is – and trust me on this one — it washes off. It’s just dirt mixed with water and once you put it on blast in the washing machine it’s pretty much gone from your life forever.

Desert dust however, is a very different ballgame. It comes in swirling storms, invading your nose and throat until it eventually settles in your chest, leaving you wheezing for days. Hell, maybe even weeks — I’ll keep you posted.

Nobody Goes To Splendour Just For The Instagram Shot

Coachella is a photogenic festival, I’ll give it that. Between the palm trees, epic art installations, and that iconic ferris wheel silhouette against the sunset, it would almost be impossible not to upload a photo or two.

However, like all things in life, there needs to be a line drawn somewhere. I personally sketch said line right before the people who lug their SLRs into the desert to have their own personal photo shoot in front of anything that says: “See, everyone? I’m at Coachella! Hate me ‘cos you ain’t me.” There are a lot of these people.

And the worst part? None of this particular crowd seem to make an appearance at the festival after the sun sets, when that sweet natural lighting is gone and the best acts start playing – you know, the music everyone is supposed to be there for.

Music Between Sets Keeps A Crowd Vibing

It is a truth universally acknowledged that you can judge how much a person truly loves a band by how early they’re willing to arrive at the stage where that band will be performing. If you really love an act, it’s totally reasonable that you’d even stand through whoever is on stage before them to secure your ideal space.

At a normal festival, what makes this waiting period generally tolerable is the filler music someone backstage kindly plugs in to keep the crowd bopping. At Coachella, however, this in-between music doesn’t exist, and there can be literal dead silence at a stage for almost an hour at a time between shows. It’s a total mood killer.

There Are No Natural Amphitheatres In The Middle Of The Goddamn Californian Desert

I solemnly swear never to take North Byron Parklands for granted ever again.

If you’ve ever been lucky enough to perch yourself on the outer edge of the Amphitheatre stage to watch a set you’ll never forget, you’ll appreciate how important it is to have a space where you can give your legs a rest while soaking up all that glittering festival magic from above.

Compare this feeling to sitting what feels like five kilometres from the stage, with no view anything but the pairs of dusty legs directly in front of you, and you’ll have yourself a good visual comparison.

The Two Crowds Are Simply Incomparable

You can’t truly appreciate how stoked everyone is to be at Splendour, until you go to Coachella.

When ScHoolboy Q took the stage on the Saturday night of Weekend 2 he straight out said he’d heard that Coachella had one of the worst crowds in the world. I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if most acts on the line-up had been warned of the exact same thing.

And sure, while not everyone wants to climb the inner structure of the Mix Up stage during a What So Not set or pull a gumboot bong at Violent Soho, at least the punters at Splendour are always truly living their best festival lives.

—

Gyan Yankovich is on Twitter.