For uni students, faculty balls are like a rite of passage: every student goes to at least one. And why wouldn’t you? Free drinks, canapes, the chance to wear a beautiful gown and feel like a princess? Sign me up!

But like all good things, there’s always a catch. Behind the glitz and glamour of the Law Balls and the Business Balls lurks an ugly truth.

Expectation: Going to a ball will be the classiest thing you’ll ever do in your life.

Reality: Uni balls usually have less class than a Crocs and socks combination.

You’ve envisioned the upcoming Engineering Ball to be as classy as an episode of Downton Abbey or with all the magic of Cinderella. It’ll be like stepping into a fairytale! But let’s face it, someone is going to pee in a pot plant or into a bin, and by the end of the night, most of the toilet seats will be crusty with dried vomit. Maybe it’s the free champagne, maybe it’s Maybelline.

Expectation: When going to a ball, you should always start the evening with some pre-drinks at a mate’s house.

Reality: You’re going to wake up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy…  

Pre-drinks are considered a great budget saver for any night out: you don’t have to drink as much when you get there! But here’s the sitch: while getting ready with your friend, she’ll reveal a brand new bottle of vodka and you’ll drink most of it before the rest of your friends arrive.

After vomiting in the Uber, you’ll arrive at the ball as drunk as a skunk. Someone’s going to have to carry you in, or the security guard will have to carry you out.

Expectation: You’ll meet the man of your dreams tonight!

Reality: You’ll get stuck talking to weirdos.

If you aren’t already going to the ball with some 10/10 arm candy, you’re confident that tonight is the night you will meet your Prince Charming. He’ll sweep you off your feet and you’ll tell your grandkids about this night.

In reality, you’re going to get chatted up at the bar by some weirdo called Gordon who reckons that people have really misjudged Tony Abbott. Gordon wears excessive amounts of LYNX Africa and also has questionable beliefs about climate change. He won’t offer to buy you a drink tonight, but he will ask you if you’re single at least 22 times.

Expectation: The canapes tonight are going to be exquisite.

Reality: You should have eaten beforehand. 

You’ve spent the past few weeks daydreaming about profiteroles, sliders and mini quiches.

But at uni balls, there’s never enough food to go around. You’ll end up watching round after round of empty plates circle the venue. There’s the occasional plate of cheese and crackers and cold sausage rolls, but it doesn’t stop the feelings of sadness from destroying your soul.

Expectation: The afterparty is going to be totally lit!

Reality: You want to crawl into bed and never get out again.

You’ve already been drinking and dancing the night away with your best friends at the ball, so there’s surely no real reason why the glamour should stop now?

Keep dreaming. It’s late. You want a kebab, some Panadol and a nap, but your friends are still trying to party the night away and the nearest kebab shop is closed. You’re sitting on a sticky couch watching everyone else get lucky, while a couple is pashing on the other sticky couch beside you. You have work at 9am tomorrow and Creepy Gordon has added you on Facebook.

Expectation: The photos are going to be #stunning

Reality: The photos are actually going to be #deletethis

You’ve been snapped by the photographers who assure you that all of the photos look great. You’re super excited, this’ll be your new Facebook profile picture tomorrow!

But it’s a truth universally acknowledged that the official photos won’t be released for over a month after the ball. And when they’re finally released, the results aren’t pretty. In one photo, you’ll look like a blurry potato. In another photo, Creepy Gordon has his arm around you. And there’s a photo of you with lipstick on your teeth. It’s a shame you don’t know how to use Photoshop to crop Creepy Gordon out of the photos. Maybe you’ll have to go on a date with him after all?

Vivienne Cowburn is an eclectic writer and ardent coffee snob. When she’s not studying Creative Writing at QUT, she’s dreaming of becoming a shark.

(Lead image: 10 Things I Hate About You/Touchstone)