Twitter’s Dad Culture Is Absolutely Glorious And You Need To Be A Part Of It
Dad culture is probably the greatest cultural phenomenon since the Renaissance, and even that comes off as a little overrated tbh. In my time on the Internet, I have stumbled on some truly wonderful examples of Dad culture, especially on Twitter. Parody accounts, real-life stories of Dadness, photos; all of them inspiring. All of them Dads.
I have wanted to write this article for a very long time. Even when I wasn’t thinking about it consciously, something deep inside me would whisper: “Do not keep these Dads to yourself. Share them with the world. Show the people these Dads.”
Here they are — Twitter’s best Dads. Use them well.
“Having a #coffee”: The dark side of Coffee Dad
At first glance, @coffee_dad is nothing more than the eagerly amateur efforts of a tech-blind Dad to document his love of coffee. Drinking coffee, buying coffee, waiting for coffee, brewing coffee, thinking about coffee, going out to get some coffee, morning coffee, lunch coffee, waking up with coffee; all are Tweet worthy in the world of Coffee Dad, alongside a fundamental misunderstanding of how to use hashtags.
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) December 27, 2014
having some # coffee# — coffee dad (@coffee_dad) December 24, 2014
#its time for coffee
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) November 23, 2014
got coffee# — coffee dad (@coffee_dad) November 5, 2014
pouring #a nice coffee
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) October 5, 2014
But if you scroll for long enough, Coffee Dad’s obsessively coffee-centric persona starts to show cracks, specifically about a tragic event in his past. The untimely death of Coffee Dad’s son, a haunting loss that torments him still, comes bursting through the deluge of #coffee content at random times, seemingly for no reason.
I am severely depressed and I don’t know what to do. Some days I can not even get out of bed. Some days I miss him so much I want to die. — coffee dad (@coffee_dad) July 16, 2014
why am I here?
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) April 12, 2014
Please leave me alone today. This is a very difficult day for our family. Thinking of you always my son. — coffee dad (@coffee_dad) December 25, 2013
Dig deep enough, and you can begin to piece together the circumstances of Coffee Son’s death: a motorcycle accident after an argument.
do you know what my son is being for halloween? a ghost, because he decided to drink and drive.
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) October 27, 2012
today would have been another birthday for my sweet angel please always watch for motorcycles — coffee dad (@coffee_dad) July 17, 2012
driving down the road where my son lost his life and i lost everything
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) May 26, 2012
Whether his obsession with coffee is a coping mechanism remains unclear, but Cofee Dad always pushes through the pain. Sooner or later, though, we come back to coffee. We must continue drinking coffee.
thinking# about coffee — coffee dad (@coffee_dad) December 31, 2013
putting coffee on
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) December 27, 2013
“My wife left me”: The sad, lonely tale of Single Dad
Unlike Coffee Dad, @Lonely_Dad is completely up-front about how miserable he is; the content oscillates between your standard dad on the Internet, bitter recriminations against his ex-wife Susan, and grappling with his own deep loneliness.
just a dad making tweets
— Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 31, 2014
number #1 dad — Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 31, 2014
bae: me: why don’t you exist? bae: me: my wife left me
— Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 28, 2014
I’m single yeah I’m single, I’m single yeah I’m single, I’m single yeah I’m single, pull up to the scene with my wife missing — Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 28, 2014
Single Dad is constantly on the precipice, obsessing over his ex-wife’s infidelity and his nonexistent sex life with a quiet, deranged fury.
all food is comfort food when you’re a sad dad
— Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 27, 2014
I hate the holidays. I have no one to love. I’m lonely. I want to die
— Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 25, 2014
sweet death — Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 27, 2014
Occasionally Single Dad tries to put himself back out there, but it doesn’t go so well. He misses Susan too much.
going to the bar… #ladies#? I’ll be the one in the corner drinking the pain away
— Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 22, 2014
my neighbors are pissed because they can see me walking around my house naked. fuck you, it’s my house, I’ll shit on the floor if I want to — Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 22, 2014
I was forced to trade in my porsche for a 2005 honda civic
— Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 20, 2014
Good luck, Single Dad.
crying hysterically — Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) December 22, 2014
Finding the Ur-Dad: The Toast, Dad Magazine and Mallory Ortberg
The Toast‘s Mallory Ortberg is arguably the greatest curator and promoter of Dad culture alive today; her work with Dad Magazine editors Jaya Saxena and Matthew Lubchansky is hugely important to the genre.
Back in October, Ortberg asked Twitter to bring her the most Dad instance of Dadness a Dad had ever Dadded.
Please tell me the most Dad thing your dad has ever done
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 8, 2014
It was a bold challenge, and one the Internet rose to.
@mallelis Told me that if I got my ears pierced before I turned sixteen, he’d get his belly button pierced and wear a crop top everywhere.
— Elissa (@ElissaSussman) October 8, 2014
The responses were overwhelming; Dad-dom tales of such diversity and verve that not even Ortberg herself could have anticipated the reaction.
@mallelis Fell in a pool with his flip phone in his pocket, put it in the toaster oven to dry it out and it worked.
— Katie Walsh (@katiewalshstx) October 8, 2014
@mallelis my dad carries wheelie suitcases instead of pulling them behind him because he “doesn’t want to wear the wheels out”
— bourgeois trash (@helenin) October 8, 2014
Even with such competiton, Ortberg’s pick of the best Dad story seems appropriate.
Read the thread in full here. It’s incredible.
Bonus Dad #content: Instagram’s “DILFs of Disneyland”
Surely I don’t need to explain this concept to you.
And because a post about Dads wouldn’t be complete without it, here is a photo of my Dad at the moment his Dad level transcended space and time.
My Dad has now evolved to MegaDad, must consume other, smaller Dads to survive. pic.twitter.com/6kRuPekLbp
— Alex McKinnon (@mckinnon_a) September 22, 2014