Culture

Twitter Responds To Tony Abbott’s Cabinet Reshuffle

Merry Christmas, kids. Scott Morrsion is your new Minister for Social Services.

So the last day of Parliament has passed and we are all settling in with our friends and family for a lazy Christmas season. The time for political bickering is over. Our biggest problems for the next few weeks will be minor sunburn, meat sweats and sugar shakes. Right? WRONG. Today, out of nowhere, Tony Abbott has announced a reshuffle of his federal cabinet.

Like a kid desperately trying to mash the pieces of his favourite jigsaw puzzle together into a formation that looks right, the PM has swapped around several prominent members of his government in an attempt to start 2015 on fresh footing. All this in spite of the fact that all the major opinion polls are pointing to the fact that it is him who is the problem. Awks.

In case you were off enjoying your life like a normal human and missed the announcement, we’ve got the full rundown. Thankfully there were a few faithful Twitter warriors still around to give us some important background context and insightful commentary too.

Merry Christmas, kids.

Scott Morrison Is The New Minister For Social Services

It physically pains me to write this. The Minister for Immigration responsible for “Operation Sovereign Muders“, an asylum seeker policy that contravenes the UN torture convention, and this new travesty of a bill that gave him totally unchecked powers over the lives of refugees is now in charge of decisions about our nation’s children, elderly, disadvantaged and disabled.

Reaction: The world is now bleak and awful. Christmas is cancelled.

We Now Have A Minster For Science

Now for some better news. The position of Minister for Science has been reinstated and given to Ian MacFarlane. Though the PM claimed the industry wouldn’t suffer from not having a standalone title, this was a glaring and worrisome omission from his original cabinet announcement. Many are however still worried about MacFarlane himself. Though he’s been more accepting in recent years, in the past he’s displayed a troubling scepticism of climate change.

Reaction: Cautiously optimistic.

Peter Dutton Is Our New Minister for Immigration

Previously the Minister for Health and Sport, Dutton is now making the monumental jump over to Morrison’s old role. Sure, why not? Anyone’s got to be better than that dude, right?

Reaction: Nope.

Kevin Andrews Has Moved From Social Services To Defence

Because YOLO.

Reaction: Enough emotions to warrant a free counselling session.

Sussan Ley Has Just Doubled The Number Of Women In Abbott’s Cabinet

With Andrews in Defence and David Johnston being dumped completely, Sussan Ley has become the newest addition to the federal cock forest as Minister for Health. When the PM was questioned by a reporter whether he would like to see more women working in the Federal Government, he effectively shrugged and said it’s not his fault they’re all shit. For those still playing at home, his cabinet still has fewer women in it than a Zoo Weekly‘s staff meeting, the Afghan government cabinet, the Supreme Court, the Mad Men writers’ room and Muammar Gaddafi’s old personal guard.

Reaction: Well done, Tone. You’re mediocre at best.

All ministers will be officially sworn in to their new duties on Tuesday. Check out the full list below.

Or, if you prefer, hear it all in a much more stammering and suspenseful way by watching the full announcement.