Culture

Tony Abbott Ate ANOTHER Raw Onion, Officially Doesn’t Give A Damn Anymore

We're broken. All of us. The whole country. Broken.

We all remember where we were when he Did It.

He has done It again. He has eaten another goddamn raw onion. Just to put in context how absurd Australian politics is at the moment, when I saw the news on Twitter, the words “he’s eaten another onion” involuntarily left my mouth, and everyone around me knew exactly what I meant.

At least partly to blame for this sorry event is Onions Australia chief executive Lechelle Earl,who decided to thank the PM for drawing the world’s attention to the Tasmanian onion industry by making an onion care-package and delivering it to him in Canberra today. She included a few things made with onions, like a quiche, but instead of trying those the PM just hoed into another raw fucking onion because he’s just along for the ride at this point.

“He peeled a bit of the skin off this time but he took a few bites,” Ms Earl told News Corp. “It was a brown onion. He checked it out, remarked that it was similar to the one the other day and then took a few bites and said it was tasty.” Don’t act so surprised, Lechelle. You knew what you were doing. You knew the risks.

Elsewhere in today’s episode of “Australian Politics Is Literally A Massive Joke,” Glenn Lazarus’ wife Tess is refusing to hand back the keys to the Palmer United Party’s office in Canberra, because “nyeh”. Also, the House of Representatives just passed the government’s supremely dodgy data retention bill, confirming that the Labor Party has about as much fight in it as a sock full of wet dirt, and you should probably be paying much more attention to that than whatever new objects Tony Abbott decides to cram in his mouth like an unwatched toddler today.

Incidentally, I was remiss last week in not giving readers the option to watch the onion Vine with Darude’s ‘Sandstorm’ playing, so chuck it on now and scroll back to the top. It’s immensely rewarding.