Culture

The Mysterious Case Of Tom Cruise’s Fine ‘Valkyrie’ Booty

Cruise himself has finally weighed in on the drama.

by Matilda Dixon-Smith  28 September 2017
Tom Cruise

Want more Junkee in your life? Sign up to our newsletter, and follow us on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook so you always know where to find us.

It’s mysterious, it’s tantalising, it’s… thicc. It’s the Strange Case of Tom Cruise and the Booty That Will Not Quit. And, thanks to a cheeky admission from Cruise himself, the greatest Twitter mystery has finally been solved.

Back in August, one dedicated viewer of the Tom Cruise WWII film Valkyrie pulled off one of the greatest stop, freeze and screenshots of all time. On noticing that Cruise’s booty was looking especially plump and lush, the viewer suggested that maybe, just maybe, the mega star might have donned a stunt booty for the scene. Look, see for yourself!

I mean that is a fine, round booty. That butt absolutely refuses to quit. So, what a dilemma! I mean, what is going on here?!

Is Cruise wearing a fake butt? Is he wearing some kind of butt-pad stunt aid? Is it, in fact, a completely different person’s juicy ass on display — i.e. is Cruise indulging in the rumoured Hollywood perk of a “butt double”?

Well, we have our answer, folks. Tom Cruise… did not wear a fake butt in that one Valkyrie scene. IT IS HIS VERY OWN JUICY BUTT ON DISPLAY. The mystery is solved, and we can all live out the rest of our lives free from the torment of wondering: Is Tom Cruise’s butt really that fine? Because the answer is, unequivocally, yes, it is that fine.

Tom Cruise got back, people. This is an indisputable fact now. Welcome to 2017.

Cruise is currently promoting his upcoming film, American Made, so Screen Rant boldly approached Cruise for comment on the Butt Scandal Of This Century, about which Cruise apparently had no idea. (I submit to you that this is a vicious falsehood. Cruise totally knew we were all scoping out his booty.) But Cruise did confirm: “There was no prosthetic in Valkyrie. No.”

In fact, Cruise was so adamant that the public should know he used his own butt in the film, he went on, “It’s me. It’s not CGI, it’s me. I do my own mooning in films. So let it be known: I do my own mooning.”

OMG.

Boy oh boy, what a scandal! In the aftermath of the Greatest Cinematic Reveal In History (Butt-Related), the Daily Dot reached out to the original eagle-eyed Twitter user, @iluvbutts247 (because ofc), for comment.

Well ok. Perhaps the mystery still lives on after all? Just let it be known that, on hearing the news of Cruise’s juicy booty, Junkee’s Managing Editor Rob Stott had this to say:

The truth is out there, friends.

—

Matilda Dixon-Smith is Junkee’s Staff Writer. She tweets @mdixonsmith.